“It’s just not cost effective to keep as many numbers on staff during this kind of business downturn. So the restructuring phase of our new marketing campaign will now unfortunately focus on downsizing of our current forces.”

What is your company actually saying there? Either some of us won’t have to do another tour of Iraq during an election year or else we’re being laid off from work.

In this age of incredible forms of technology, we have more ways than ever to communicate ideas with others. But no one wants to get to the point. What am I talking about? I have no idea.

But allow me to explain. You see, while this column demonstrates a vast richness in pedestrian quality, it still is found wanting in the context of substance.

I’ve never been insulted more politely in my entire life.

And the workplace is the most popular place to find the flowering of language.

Perhaps you’ve just received word that your office has been transferred to that area just outside the loading dock.

The good news: You have a lot more space to work. Your new office is roomier and much larger. The bad news: It’s out in the parking lot.

It is never good when this latest office transfer means that the list of different jobs you’ve held there is longer than the company manual. But management will soften the blow by telling you that it’s all part of “corporate realignment“.

Things are even worse when they move your storage locker right next to the trash compactor. You need that locker because that’s where you keep your safety equipment for your job.

Then the company informs you that due to “budget restraints” the safety harness they supply you to use on your reach fork is now being made out of silly string.

You always know that business is bad and layoffs will be coming in increasing numbers when you see your supervisor reading your farewell speech to you from cue cards.

That lack of communication at work becomes evident when they hold the infamous “shift meeting”. These are often held when you’re working in the back of your department.

There have been reports of forgotten employees being locked in the back of the plant for entire weekends. Holiday weekends are even worse.

One time I came back from a scheduled vacation to return to the midnight shift only to find the plant locked up until morning. Communication issues were abounding here.

There once was a time when your level of experience at a job generated much respect. It’s not in your favor nowadays when management asks you whether you were part of the construction crew that poured the concrete into the foundation of the company building.

After that, the company quietly brings in the new kids who will soon take over your position. And the company gives you the responsibility to communicate to the new people what your duties actually are. Without telling you. Even if you never knew what your duties were.

Communication becomes a lot more difficult when you learn that the new kid was born five years after your starting date of working there.

But you realize that management actually does appreciate you. That’s because they tell you there’s no need to hurry back from your scheduled vacation this time.

What they mean is; Feel free to take a little longer. Like a few extra months. Are you compensated for these months? Well, we’ll hold a shift meeting and take that under advisement.

If your job turns out to be that stressful, you will always need an adequate medical plan. There won’t be any need for surgery for the heart attack you have while waiting six months for that meeting. You’ll merely be having “necessary routine treatments” or a “procedure.”

When business is going that poorly, you may find yourself unemployed. During that period you will find that you can’t even watch your favorite television shows. But that’s not because they were canceled.

A given program will instead be placed “on hiatus”, be “pulled indefinitely”, “not renewed”, or find itself merely “off the schedule”.

But don’t worry. Tivo knew all about this already.

So instead of television, you turn to your new high definition radio. And your favorite artist is featured on the “soft rock” station, which is now heard prominently in elevators. You’ve already been bitter about this for years because you know there is no such thing as “soft rock”.

But you are told by your wife that your favorite now appeals to an “older demographic”. No one wants to hear nice words for “over the hill”, so you respond to her that he still kicks ass.

Now be quiet or I’ll hit you with my walker.

If you should happen to work for a restaurant, you may be told that your services are no longer required because the store is “undergoing renovations.”

Translation: They’re looking for a new gimmick which will fool the most people.

Anyway, the paucity of relevant occurrences calling for media intervention has created the circumstances which allowed this dissertation to be expressed.

Yeah, it’s been another slow news day.

Bob H