Income tax time comes at a particularly tough time for the economy this year. Normally, tax time provides a stimulus to the economy, mostly in one way plane trips to Switzerland. Instead, we are about a month away from receiving our economic stimulus checks from President Bush.

There is usually a large growth in the number of jobs in April every year. Most of them come as prison guards because of an sudden coincidental increase in membership. But unless you have chosen this or an airline as your profession, you will likely need a sharp stimulus in your paycheck.

According to our research department’s highly scribbled out calculations, the cost of living rose approximately 289 % last year. Meanwhile, our current employer’s cost of living raise added up to three percent.

Tax breaks would help to boost the economy. Here in New Jersey, you can get ideas by studying your tax booklet. It contains a message from Governor Jon Corzine, which reads “One of my goals as governor has been to help make New Jersey a more affordable place to live.”

Most state residents will be reading this message during their drive to Florida in a U-Haul with all of their belongings. If they are lucky, they avoid hitting a bridge abutment after reading that. So the first thing we learn in New Jersey is that we are encouraged to put a few jokes in our tax return.

Because if you can use your creativity to get a bigger tax refund on your own, you will be creating your own stimulus to the economy. Don’t even look at it as cheating. And thereby saving President Bush and our poor overworked government the extra effort.

Do-it-yourself tax forms would be of much greater benefit to the economy than a mere $600 stimulus check. Taxpayers will use that check to buy a day or two’s worth of groceries, or to buy one textbook for Junior’s upcoming college semester.

New Jersey’s income tax form contains a large number of charitable funds for which taxpayers may receive deductions. They include Endangered Wildlife, Breast Cancer, Drug Abuse Education, Literary and World Trade Center Scholarship Funds among many others.

Fortunately there is no mention of a New Jersey favorite: Politicians Pocket Expansion Funds.

The tax book also contains a card a taxpayer can use if they want to become an organ or tissue donor. Organ donation is a very valuable service, because of the large numbers of people waiting for life-saving organ transplants.

The IRS always seems to forget that these donations only take effect upon the donor’s death. The arm and the leg the IRS requests by April 15th just tends to hurry that moment along.

If you cannot find the answer to these questions in the tax booklet’s instructions or online, you should call the IRS for assistance. You will not be charged for the call unless it requires more than three numbers to complete. Normal IRS hours of operation are Monday from 7:00 AM to 7:02 AM, local time.

If you owe the IRS money, please press one. If you are expecting a refund, please hang up and call again. Then please press 666. Your operator will be the person with the Darth Vader voice. And remember, at the IRS, customers are our number one asset.

Whether you realize it or not, the taxpayers do have a Bill of Rights. The IRS must respond to taxpayers’ questions within a reasonable time period. That time period is generally the twenty year prison sentence you are serving while you are on hold.

Also, notices of taxes and penalties due must clearly identify the purpose of the notice and must contain information about appeal procedures. And the IRS is required to immunize the pack of wild dogs they unleash upon you to collect said penalties.

These taxpayers can stimulate the economy on their own. Most taxpayers have the creativity to elaborate on their tax returns and submit them to a publishing company. Your local bookstore contains extensive mystery and fantasy sections. The wildest ideas which are submitted to receive a large tax refund will make any new James Frey release pale in comparison.

I would like to have a stimulus rebate check in the form of the millions of dollars spent to send a notice to taxpayers that they are getting a stimulus rebate check. Most citizens who happen to own a television are aware that they are getting this money. And they just spent it on last month’s rent check.

The real way to stimulate the economy is to have the “factors involved” benefit the common workers.

The majority of taxpayers don’t find their incomes stimulated because they are in the wrong line of work. Their hardship cases are not as important as those posed by the oil companies. They say the profit margins they have seen do not account for the other “factors involved” in the oil business.

The real factors involved include your take home pay divided by the cost of living. And the fractions keep coming up negative.

I knew there was a reason I never liked math. Or the IRS, for that matter.

Bob H