Another problem the baby boomer is going to have to deal with as he grows older is that of sex. The kind involving partners.

Many people in this age group are finding themselves divorced these days and they want to know how to begin a new relationship, and where to find one.

Others have never been married such as yours truly, and have issues about establishing a lasting, long term relationship with a woman, where forever lasts longer than two months.

So exactly which part of that do you find amusing? I find that it takes a lot of the pressure off when you’ve basically been obnoxious from the very beginning.

And what lady wouldn’t appreciate that? Guys are told early in life that all any woman is interested in would be a nice guy who has a good sense of humor. The male experience that this theory has been overruled by another one which applies more accurately in this case: “Don’t believe everything you hear.”

That’s because girls like nice guys with a sense of humor as long as they have twenty-two inch arms and are jerks. Pretty guys with huge physiques can generally be as dumb as a brick and treat women like cattle and they’ll still get any one they want. Standing over by the twenty pound weights, you won’t have a chance because even cattle can be artificially inseminated before they will stand with the likes of you. Not that I am bitter.

But it’s been a long time since you’ve seen twenty-two inch arms either. It was in the July 1988 issue of Muscle and Fitness, if I’m not mistaken. You’ll need to get yourself back into a gym to see that kind of size again, because many of your finer, modern day gyms contain photos.

And they also have mirrors. You may not like what you see when you encounter one of these. At your age you have the experience to deal with this kind of problem. You remove all of the mirrors from your home.

But while effective, this is only a temporary solution. You need to get some of that weight off your midsection and redistribute it into your chest and arms.

Of course, this plan never works. It should, because the redistribution of the hair from your head never fails to land in your nose and ears.

There’s no use worrying about that now because we have much work to do on your road to physical perfection. We’ll start by purchasing official workout gear, which we know will be official because it comes with a famous person’s name on it, like Nike, Adidas, or Perry Ellis, whoever the hell he is.

After we buy our outfit, the first thing we will do is immediately return it for a full refund, because we have no intention of actually sweating all over our new name brand clothes which we’ve paid actual name brand large government dollars with actual name brand presidents on them to wear.

Then we return to the gym to find that it has closed for the day. So we put our membership on freeze and go out for a double cheeseburger at the new Perry Ellis steakhouse that just opened in town.

Going to gyms used to be a lot easier than this when you were younger. You were able to lift more weight then, and your injuries came from actually straining a muscle, as opposed to breaking your foot when you tripped over someone’s cell phone or water bottle.

Women often face similar issues when they’re trying to work out. They generally appear at the gym in three classifications: 1) the young and attractive female who has to fend off advances from some future governors of US states while trying to complete a repetition, 2) the miniature Hulk She-Ra sized lady who is more compact and much more muscular than you, or 3) the woman of baby boomer age, who will sic those future governors on you if she catches you looking at that young and attractive female one more time.

Such frustration is often the reason that you’re fatter than you used to be. You’re so upset that you’re beside yourself, and together you both weigh more than four hundred pounds. At your age frustration has become more than an acceptable excuse for not being able to stay in shape anymore. And no wonder.

I mean, look at what you’re facing when you turn on the television. Ask your doctor about Cialis, Viagra, Paxil, Levoxyl, Epoxy, Riboflavin, and about three hundred other name brands. You’re feeling bad enough about your pathetic life, and now your doctor has more bad news. You feel yourself getting a headache, but then that damn Head-On commercial comes on the air.

It works out no better for the ladies. Even if your doctor okays those supplements you see on television, chances are the women aren’t looking for any four hour Viagra ride on Space Mountain anymore in their sexual notebooks.

So that often leaves boomers with only one alternative. Charge cards and hookers. Ha ha! Only kidding. You’re not down to that yet.

Your friends are not likely to set you up with a potential mate, because they know what kind of a person you really are. So a lot more boomers are turning to dating services.

In a perfect world, dating services would provide relationships which turn out like the ones do in the movies. Actors like Bruce Willis make movies with twenty-one year old actresses like Scarlett Johannsen, and Clint Eastwood’s leading ladies are usually around the age of Suri Cruise.

But this isn’t Hollywood. This is the real world. The Jessica Simpsons of the world wouldn’t give your kind a second look, unless you use the one surefire method on your application which is guaranteed to make younger members of the opposite sex notice you. Stretch the truth a little bit, until it is more out of shape than you.

For the guys, you are obviously at least six foot eight inches tall and a lean and mean two hundred and forty pounds. You enjoy moonlight walks in the rain, usually outside bars in a drunken stupor where you are trying to find where you dropped your car keys.

You like down to earth women( they don’t mind that you currently live in a hollow tree). You believe in in equal pay rates for women( because your unemployment insurance ran out three weeks ago). You also do a lot of volunteer work in your spare time( the police threatened to run you in for vagrancy if you didn’t get off the street).

Your hobby is studying US history( you collected all fifty US state quarters after using the money you received from the deposits from empty bottles you returned ). And your goal in life is to create a nice home atmosphere and to be surrounded by friends( you want to live in the Playboy mansion and be surrounded by strippers ).

Well, you didn’t lie, did you? Baby boomer George Costanza always said, “It’s not a lie if YOU believe it.”

On their dating service profile, ladies will always admit to being a size two, since they’ve been putting on a little weight lately. That’s because their television appearances have kept them from going to the gym regularly, and the last time they went they broke their foot from tripping over someone’s cell phone.

Ladies like a kind, thoughtful, and creative guy( the kind who can think of sexual positions never before attempted on a Craftmatic adjustable bed ). You are optimistic about your future( as soon as George Clooney comes around to your way of thinking ). As a hobby you enjoy trying many different varieties of international cooking ( usually all at the same time).

You take extreme pride in your appearance( you receive Botox treatment discounts from being a regular customer ). You love animals( you were married to a snake for thirteen years). Your goal in life is to create a nice home atmosphere and be surrounded by friends( you get your high school graduating class to help you to break into Clooney’s house ).

If you both can just be honest and fill out your profiles in this manner, you should turn out to be completely compatible. As long as you never meet.

You will never be able to meet. You will continue to correspond through e-mails or regular letters until one of you dies of old age. Remember, this is not the movies.

If you’re lucky, you will both be level headed, reasonable looking people in their fifties, with a few minor character flaws. Kind of like OJ Simpson is “overly aggressive.” You wouldn’t be human without a few flaws. Besides, hygiene can still be taught at your age.

Actually, members of dating services are getting smarter the more they sample the many online sites which are available. If you’ve tried a number of these places in the past, chances are posting a photo of Jessica Simpson or Johnny Depp under your name doesn’t work anymore. When someone contacted you after viewing that photo of you in the old days, at least you knew the relationship had a good chance to work because the other person was just as stupid as you were.

Once you get past that , you’re still young enough that you can enjoy a successful relationship. Through the miracle of honesty, forthrightness, Viagra, botox, and TV movies, even a nice guy with a good sense of humor can even have a chance at happiness. But don’t believe everything you read.

Bob H