“It’s just not cost effective to keep as many numbers on staff during this kind of business downturn. So the restructuring phase of our new marketing campaign will now unfortunately focus on downsizing of our current forces.”

What is your company actually saying there? Either some of us won’t have to do another tour of Iraq during an election year or else we’re being laid off from work.

In this age of incredible forms of technology, we have more ways than ever to communicate ideas with others. But no one wants to get to the point. What am I talking about? I have no idea.

But allow me to explain. You see, while this column demonstrates a vast richness in pedestrian quality, it still is found wanting in the context of substance.

I’ve never been insulted more politely in my entire life.

And the workplace is the most popular place to find the flowering of language.

Perhaps you’ve just received word that your office has been transferred to that area just outside the loading dock.

The good news: You have a lot more space to work. Your new office is roomier and much larger. The bad news: It’s out in the parking lot.

It is never good when this latest office transfer means that the list of different jobs you’ve held there is longer than the company manual. But management will soften the blow by telling you that it’s all part of “corporate realignment“.

Things are even worse when they move your storage locker right next to the trash compactor. You need that locker because that’s where you keep your safety equipment for your job.

Then the company informs you that due to “budget restraints” the safety harness they supply you to use on your reach fork is now being made out of silly string.

You always know that business is bad and layoffs will be coming in increasing numbers when you see your supervisor reading your farewell speech to you from cue cards.

That lack of communication at work becomes evident when they hold the infamous “shift meeting”. These are often held when you’re working in the back of your department.

There have been reports of forgotten employees being locked in the back of the plant for entire weekends. Holiday weekends are even worse.

One time I came back from a scheduled vacation to return to the midnight shift only to find the plant locked up until morning. Communication issues were abounding here.

There once was a time when your level of experience at a job generated much respect. It’s not in your favor nowadays when management asks you whether you were part of the construction crew that poured the concrete into the foundation of the company building.

After that, the company quietly brings in the new kids who will soon take over your position. And the company gives you the responsibility to communicate to the new people what your duties actually are. Without telling you. Even if you never knew what your duties were.

Communication becomes a lot more difficult when you learn that the new kid was born five years after your starting date of working there.

But you realize that management actually does appreciate you. That’s because they tell you there’s no need to hurry back from your scheduled vacation this time.

What they mean is; Feel free to take a little longer. Like a few extra months. Are you compensated for these months? Well, we’ll hold a shift meeting and take that under advisement.

If your job turns out to be that stressful, you will always need an adequate medical plan. There won’t be any need for surgery for the heart attack you have while waiting six months for that meeting. You’ll merely be having “necessary routine treatments” or a “procedure.”

When business is going that poorly, you may find yourself unemployed. During that period you will find that you can’t even watch your favorite television shows. But that’s not because they were canceled.

A given program will instead be placed “on hiatus”, be “pulled indefinitely”, “not renewed”, or find itself merely “off the schedule”.

But don’t worry. Tivo knew all about this already.

So instead of television, you turn to your new high definition radio. And your favorite artist is featured on the “soft rock” station, which is now heard prominently in elevators. You’ve already been bitter about this for years because you know there is no such thing as “soft rock”.

But you are told by your wife that your favorite now appeals to an “older demographic”. No one wants to hear nice words for “over the hill”, so you respond to her that he still kicks ass.

Now be quiet or I’ll hit you with my walker.

If you should happen to work for a restaurant, you may be told that your services are no longer required because the store is “undergoing renovations.”

Translation: They’re looking for a new gimmick which will fool the most people.

Anyway, the paucity of relevant occurrences calling for media intervention has created the circumstances which allowed this dissertation to be expressed.

Yeah, it’s been another slow news day.

Bob H

Income tax time comes at a particularly tough time for the economy this year. Normally, tax time provides a stimulus to the economy, mostly in one way plane trips to Switzerland. Instead, we are about a month away from receiving our economic stimulus checks from President Bush.

There is usually a large growth in the number of jobs in April every year. Most of them come as prison guards because of an sudden coincidental increase in membership. But unless you have chosen this or an airline as your profession, you will likely need a sharp stimulus in your paycheck.

According to our research department’s highly scribbled out calculations, the cost of living rose approximately 289 % last year. Meanwhile, our current employer’s cost of living raise added up to three percent.

Tax breaks would help to boost the economy. Here in New Jersey, you can get ideas by studying your tax booklet. It contains a message from Governor Jon Corzine, which reads “One of my goals as governor has been to help make New Jersey a more affordable place to live.”

Most state residents will be reading this message during their drive to Florida in a U-Haul with all of their belongings. If they are lucky, they avoid hitting a bridge abutment after reading that. So the first thing we learn in New Jersey is that we are encouraged to put a few jokes in our tax return.

Because if you can use your creativity to get a bigger tax refund on your own, you will be creating your own stimulus to the economy. Don’t even look at it as cheating. And thereby saving President Bush and our poor overworked government the extra effort.

Do-it-yourself tax forms would be of much greater benefit to the economy than a mere $600 stimulus check. Taxpayers will use that check to buy a day or two’s worth of groceries, or to buy one textbook for Junior’s upcoming college semester.

New Jersey’s income tax form contains a large number of charitable funds for which taxpayers may receive deductions. They include Endangered Wildlife, Breast Cancer, Drug Abuse Education, Literary and World Trade Center Scholarship Funds among many others.

Fortunately there is no mention of a New Jersey favorite: Politicians Pocket Expansion Funds.

The tax book also contains a card a taxpayer can use if they want to become an organ or tissue donor. Organ donation is a very valuable service, because of the large numbers of people waiting for life-saving organ transplants.

The IRS always seems to forget that these donations only take effect upon the donor’s death. The arm and the leg the IRS requests by April 15th just tends to hurry that moment along.

If you cannot find the answer to these questions in the tax booklet’s instructions or online, you should call the IRS for assistance. You will not be charged for the call unless it requires more than three numbers to complete. Normal IRS hours of operation are Monday from 7:00 AM to 7:02 AM, local time.

If you owe the IRS money, please press one. If you are expecting a refund, please hang up and call again. Then please press 666. Your operator will be the person with the Darth Vader voice. And remember, at the IRS, customers are our number one asset.

Whether you realize it or not, the taxpayers do have a Bill of Rights. The IRS must respond to taxpayers’ questions within a reasonable time period. That time period is generally the twenty year prison sentence you are serving while you are on hold.

Also, notices of taxes and penalties due must clearly identify the purpose of the notice and must contain information about appeal procedures. And the IRS is required to immunize the pack of wild dogs they unleash upon you to collect said penalties.

These taxpayers can stimulate the economy on their own. Most taxpayers have the creativity to elaborate on their tax returns and submit them to a publishing company. Your local bookstore contains extensive mystery and fantasy sections. The wildest ideas which are submitted to receive a large tax refund will make any new James Frey release pale in comparison.

I would like to have a stimulus rebate check in the form of the millions of dollars spent to send a notice to taxpayers that they are getting a stimulus rebate check. Most citizens who happen to own a television are aware that they are getting this money. And they just spent it on last month’s rent check.

The real way to stimulate the economy is to have the “factors involved” benefit the common workers.

The majority of taxpayers don’t find their incomes stimulated because they are in the wrong line of work. Their hardship cases are not as important as those posed by the oil companies. They say the profit margins they have seen do not account for the other “factors involved” in the oil business.

The real factors involved include your take home pay divided by the cost of living. And the fractions keep coming up negative.

I knew there was a reason I never liked math. Or the IRS, for that matter.

Bob H

Woman crashes into water, saves coffee

OAKLAND, Calif. - A woman is safe after losing control of her car and accidently driving into the waters of the Oakland Estuary. But on the upside, she saved her morning coffee.

Authorities say the car went into the water a little after 6 a.m. Thursday after its 22-year-old driver apparently lost control of her car while reaching for a cell phone.

After the car became lodged in stilts under a home on the water, the driver was able to get out of the car and make it back to shore.

Onlookers say she came ashore still cradling her coffee cup.

Bob H

40 Years in the Future

By James R. Berry

IT’S 8 a.m., Tuesday, Nov. 18, 2008, and you are headed for a business appointment 300 mi. away. You slide into your sleek, two-passenger air-cushion car, press a sequence of buttons and the national traffic computer notes your destination, figures out the current traffic situation and signals your car to slide out of the garage. Hands free, you sit back and begin to read the morning paper—which is flashed on a flat TV screen over the car’s dashboard. Tapping a button changes the page.

The car accelerates to 150 mph in the city’s suburbs, then hits 250 mph in less built-up areas, gliding over the smooth plastic road. You whizz past a string of cities, many of them covered by the new domes that keep them evenly climatized year round. Traffic is heavy, typically, but there’s no need to worry. The traffic computer, which feeds and receives signals to and from all cars in transit between cities, keeps vehicles at least 50 yds. apart. There hasn’t been an accident since the system was inaugurated. Suddenly your TV phone buzzes. A business associate wants a sketch of a new kind of impeller your firm is putting out for sports boats. You reach for your attache case and draw the diagram with a pencil-thin infrared flashlight on what looks like a TV screen lining the back of the case. The diagram is relayed to a similar screen in your associate’s office, 200 mi. away. He jabs a button and a fixed copy of the sketch rolls out of the device. He wishes you good luck at the coming meeting and signs off.

Ninety minutes after leaving your home, you slide beneath the dome of your destination city. Your car decelerates and heads for an outer-core office building where you’ll meet your colleagues. After you get out, the vehicle parks itself in a convenient municipal garage to await your return. Private cars are banned inside most city cores. Moving sidewalks and electrams carry the public from one location to another.

With the U.S. population having soared to 350 million, 2008 transportation is among the most important factors keeping the economy running smoothly. Giant transportation hubs called modemixers are located anywhere from 15 to 50 mi. outside all major urban centers. Tube trains, pushed through bores by compressed air, make the trip between modemixer and central city in 10 to 15 minutes.

A major feature of most modemixers is the launching pad from which 200-passenger rockets blast off for other continents. For less well-heeled travelers there are SST and hypersonic planes that carry 200 to 300 passengers at speeds up to 4,000 mph. Short trips— between cities less than 1,000 mi. apart—are handled by slower jumbo jets.

Homes in Mi’s 80th year are practically self-maintaining. Electrostatic precipitators clean the air and climatizers maintain the temperature and humidity at optimum levels. Robots are available to do housework and other simple chores. New materials for siding and interiors are self-cleaning and never peel, chip or crack.

Dwellings for the most part are assembled from prefabricated modules, which can be attached speedily in the configuration that best suits the homeowner. Once the foundation is laid, attaching the modules to make up a two- or three-bedroom house is a job that doesn’t take more than a day. Such modular homes easily can be expanded to accommodate a growing family. A typical wedding present for the 21st century newlyweds is a fully equipped bedroom, kitchen or living room module.

Other conveniences ease kitchenwork. The housewife simply determines in advance her menus for the week, then slips prepackaged meals into the freezer and lets the automatic food utility do the rest. At preset times, each meal slides into the microwave oven and is cooked or thawed. The meal then is served on disposable plastic plates. These plates, as well as knives, forks and spoons of the same material, are so inexpensive they can be discarded after use.

The single most important item in 2008 households is the computer. These electronic brains govern everything from meal preparation and waking up the household to assembling shopping lists and keeping track of the bank balance. Sensors in kitchen appliances, climatizing units, communicators, power supply and other household utilities warn the computer when the item is likely to fail. A repairman will show up even before any obvious breakdown occurs.

Computers also handle travel reservations, relay telephone messages, keep track of birthdays and anniversaries, compute taxes and even figure the monthly bills for electricity, water, telephone and other utilities. Not every family has its private computer. Many families reserve time on a city or regional computer to serve their needs. The machine tallies up its own services and submits a bill, just as it does with other utilities.

Money has all but disappeared. Employers deposit salary checks directly into their employees’ accounts. Credit cards are used for paying all bills. Each time you buy something, the card’s number is fed into the store’s computer station. A master computer then deducts the charge from your bank balance.

Computers not only keep track of money, they make spending it easier. TV-telephone shopping is common. To shop, you simply press the numbered code of a giant shopping center. You press another combination to zero in on the department and the merchandise in which you are interested. When you see what you want, you press a number that signifies “buy,” and the household computer takes over, places the order, notifies the store of the home address and subtracts the purchase price from your bank balance. Much of the family shopping is done this way. Instead of being jostled by crowds, shoppers electronically browse through the merchandise of any number of stores.

People have more time for leisure activities in the year 2008. The average work day is about four hours. But the extra time isn’t totally free. The pace of technological advance is such that a certain amount of a jobholder’s spare time is used in keeping up with the new developments—on the average, about two hours of home study a day.

Most of this study is in the form of programmed TV courses, which can be rented or borrowed from tape _ * libraries. In fact most schooling—from first grade through college—consists of programmed TV courses or lectures via closed circuit. Students visit a campus once or twice a week for personal consultations or for lab work that has to be done on site. Progress of each student is followed by computer, which assigns end term marks on the basis of tests given throughout the term.

Besides school lessons, other educational material is available for TV viewing. You simply press a combination of buttons and the pages flash on your home screen. The world’s information is available to you almost instantaneously.

TV screens cover an entire wall in most homes and show most subjects other than straight text matter in color and three dimensions. In addition to programmed TV and the multiplicity of commercial fare, you can see top Broadway shows, hit movies and current nightclub acts for a nominal charge. Best-selling books are on TV tape and can be borrowed or rented from tape libraries.

A typical vacation in 2008 is to spend a week at an undersea resort, where your hotel room window looks out on a tropical underwater reef, a sunken ship or an ancient, excavated city. Available to guests are two- and three-person submarines in which you can cruise well-marked underwater trails.

Another vacation is a stay < on a hotel satellite. The rocket ride to the satellite and back, plus the vistas of earth and moon, make a memorable vacation jaunt.

While city life in 2008 has changed greatly, the farm has altered even more. Farmers are business executives running operations as automated as factories. TV scanners monitor tractors and other equipment computer programmed to plow, harrow and harvest. Wires imbedded in the ground send control signals to the machines. Computers also keep track of yields-, fertilization, soil composition and other factors influencing crops. At the beginning of each year, a print-out tells the farmer what to plant where, how much to fertilize and how much yield he can expect.

Farming isn't confined to land. Mariculturists have turned areas of the sea into beds of protein-rich seaweed and algae. This raw material is processed into food that looks and tastes like steak and other meats. It also is cheap; families can have steak-like meals twice a day without feeling a budget pinch. Areas in bays or close to shore have been turned into shrimp, lobster, clam and other shellfish ranches, like the cattle spreads of yesteryear.

Medical research has guaranteed that most babies born in the 21st century will live long and healthy lives. Heart disease has virtually been eliminated by drugs and diet. If hearts or other major organs do give trouble, they can be replaced with artificial organs.

Medical examinations are a matter of sitting in a diagnostic chair for a minute or two, then receiving a full health report. Ultrasensitive microphones and electronic sensors in the chair's headrest, back and armrests pick up heartbeat, pulse, breathing rate, galvanic skin response, blood pressure, nerve reflexes and other medical signs. A computer attached to the chair digests these responses, compares them to the normal standard and prints out a full medical report.

No need to worry about failing memory or intelligence either. The intelligence pill is another 21st century commodity. Slow learners or people struck with forgetful-ness are given pills which increase the production of enzymes controlling production of the chemicals known to control learning and memory. Everyone is able to use his full mental potential.

Despite the fact that the year 2008 is only 40 years away—as far ahead as 1928 is in the past—it will be a world as strange to us as our time (1968) would be to the pilgrims. •

The strange part is accurate. We reprint, you decide.

Bob H

I realize that many people have issues with drivers abusing cell phones, but try this one.

Driver Blames Speeding On Poorly Dunked Oreo

SALISBURY, Conn. (AP) ― Police say a man's excuse for speeding through a small Connecticut town takes the cake—or, at least, the cookie.

A state trooper who stopped the 1993 BMW says its driver, 28-year-old Justin Vonkummer of Millerton, N.Y., blamed the driving problems on an errant Oreo.

Police say Vonkummer told the trooper that an Oreo had just slipped from his fingers as he dunked it in a cup of milk, and that he was trying to fish it out when he lost control of his car.

The alleged incident occurred last fall in Salisbury, but came to light in Bantam Superior Court this week.

That's when prosecutors learned Vonkummer had been charged with speeding and driving under a suspended license—not driving under the influence, as a clerk had mistakenly noted in the court records.

Vonkummer's attorney would not comment. The case is pending.

Bob H