After doing complete and thorough research on the subject matter of this week’s column, I forgot what I was going to write about today.

That tends to happen after you reach a certain age. The brain cells that you have remaining have certainly taken a beating over the years. And the rest of them that deserted you during the 1970s don’t even send you postcards anymore.

Memory lapses are one of the reasons the aging person has begun to embrace technology. Many of us recently invested in one of those new day planners that we heard so much about so we can keep all of our dates and affairs in order. If only we can remember where we left it.

You see, as we get older our daily schedule just seems to increase. At least the part of that schedule which is filled with different doctor appointments. You always need to coordinate the preferred dates in your day planner with all of your favorite ear, nose, and wallet men that your favorite HMO provider will allow.

The answering machine on your cell or house phone is a great aid in remembering these things. You will likely have an appointment confirmation recorded on your tape, as long as it has space available.

I have a friend, Greg, who has enough free time to conduct the serious scientific experiment of just how much rambling it will take to fill an answering machine tape. The answering machine appeared to be on the verge of exploding at that point. On one occasion his work was successful, and he proceeded to call again to leave a message congratulating himself for filling the tape.

We need to realize that memory lapses are not limited to those of us who happen to be aging. Forgetting things seems to occur on a regular basis for those of us with children. Of course, in these cases, most children use “selective” memory.

YOU: Now remember Billy, Don’t hang out at the mall, don’t pick on the neighbor’s boy, and be home by 5:00 so you can finish your homework.

( It’s 7:30, and Billy is being escorted home by mall security. )

BILLY: The police dog ate my homework, but I brought you a Cinnabon.

Being a glutton, of course you take the Cinnabon and forgive him.

Children will always have other assorted memory issues. Junior will always remember to tell you about that oh-so-important science project he has due on Friday at about 11:59 on Thursday.

Many times that project winds up being about the miracle of carbonation in beers.

In fighting with such memory issues, you may have a list of important phone numbers that you need to remember:

WORK: 888-123-4567

CHILDREN’S HIGH SCHOOL: 888-234-5678

PHIL: 888-555-5555

DON: 888-888-8888

BILL: 888-777-6666

BOOKIE: 888-777-1111

YOUR WIFE: 888-000-4321/2

YOUR BARTENDER: 888-151-7151

YOUR GIRL FRIEND: 888-352-435!

A CHEAP LAWYER: 888-999-$$$$

MOVING COMPANY: 888-987-6543

And thanks to the wonders of modern technology, you can store these numbers in your cell phone or day planner. If only you could remember how to turn on these machines.

So these numbers are lost. Thankfully bartenders are a dime a dozen considering all of the joints you visit. But later you walk into your living room to retrieve the directions for operating your day planner, but naturally you forget why you entered the living room when you get there.

But you are not alone in suffering from this problem. Your average politician is a prime example of memory loss.

Conversations and memos were not of much use to Attorney General Alberto Gonzales. New Jersey’s politicians always remember to get the name, rank, and license number of those people who write them the appropriate check. Granted, when it comes to lowering the rates of auto insurance or property taxes, that memory tends to become selective.

Later you may reach a critical stage. At this point will come the time when you will forget a person’s name.

You will run into this person one night when you’re in the mall looking for your son Billy. You know you’ve seen the guy somewhere. It might have been at an old job, or he might even date back to your years in high school. But he always remembers you. And he keeps talking to you like you’ve been best friends since 1910.

There are only so many times you can say “Hey there” or “Hi, you!” before you give yourself away. And during your daily life you don’t need some virtual stranger coming from out of nowhere to make you feel ignorant. That’s what your job is for.

So you do the only thing you can possibly do in this situation to save face. You fake a heart attack and fall to the floor. When what’s-his-name runs to get help, then you get up and run out the other way.

At the same time you can’t remember things like the names of the people in the President’s cabinet, you will find that you can always recite that old McDonald’s jingle ( Two all beef patties special sauce lettuce cheese pickles onions on a sesame seed bun ). And you can remember the words to the song, “Muskrat Love” by The Captain and Tennille.

Meanwhile, you realize that Billy is too young to witness the concept of muskrats mating, and he’s never even heard of 8-tracks.

Anyway, what is our best possible solution when we are confronted with loss of memory? I don’t remember. I had the answer figured out a few hours ago, but I left it on my day planner. If I can only remember where I left the damn thing…

Bob H

It COULD be true these days.

NORTH POLE - Capping an elaborate sting operation, FBI officials yesterday announced that they will be charging 12 of Santa's elves with operating a recalled-toy scam that netted at least $20 million and could have put the lives of millions of children in danger this Christmas season.

"The allegations in this case reveal an extraordinary breadth of criminal activity by at least a dozen elves in the employ of Santa Claus," said US Attorney Michael J Sullivan. "This has been a painstaking investigation over more than six months, but is finally coming to a close thanks to the help of Mr Claus himself."

The scheme involved phony invoices and other fraudulent methods used by the elves to obtain hundreds of thousands of toys that had been recalled by their manufacturers, with the intent of repackaging them and passing them off as having been built by the elves themselves - and therefore safe for children to use.

"The callous disregard with which these elves operated under the guise of being Santa's helpers has devastated both Mr and Mrs Claus as well as the rest of the elf community," said Santa Claus spoksman Ted Brucker in a prepared statement.

Defense attorneys said at least some defendants had agreed to plead guilty and cooperate with the investigation. All are expected to face numerous charges, including racketeering, money laundering and extortion. Each of the 12 has already been fired from Santa's Workshop and added to his naughty list.

The economic impact of the sting operation this close to the holiday season remains to be fully realized. Some economists speculate that with Santa's knowledge of the investigation, he should have had time to cover for the lost workmanship. However, others like CAP News economic analyst Luke Isley say it may be too late to make up lost ground.

"My sources at the North Pole say the rest of the elves are being asked to work ridiculously long hours to mitigate any potential impact on the overall quantity of gifts this Christmas," said Isley. "However, there are increasing concerns over the quality of this year's presents, but one thing's clear - no one's gonna die from them, thanks to the FBI."

Isley said the hiring freeze instituted by Santa back in the spring remains in effect and negotiations between the Elves Local 105 and the North Pole Hiring Group have been at an impasse since Labor Day. No word whether talks will resume in light of the recent events.

Bob H

Once again we’ve reached the scariest part of every year. Communities across the US will see little people in costumes knocking on doors soliciting favors for their own enjoyment. I can’t wait until Halloween is over so we can fully experience the sheer terror of another year of elections.

On Election Day your visitors are not such little people, with the exception of Dennis Kucinich. But they always come with their bottomless goodie bags and will usually trick you, no matter what kind of treat you give to them.

Halloween is nowhere near as frightening as Election Day. At least the children who dress in costumes will actually take off their masks the day after Halloween.

But politicians don’t normally care for the standard fare of candy in their Trick or Treat bag. They really enjoy lots of pork, preferably in barrels.

Most children will knock on your door and then accept some Halloween candy after you see their costumes. Politicians seem to stick around forever, and Wes Craven couldn’t have written some of the lines they will hand you. But they are just as horrifying as Wes’s.

They give you much of this material during their campaign commercials, which are truly frightening. I mean, did you realize that the Republican candidate in your area once went to Promises Rehab Center for a severe sugar addiction after one Halloween candy eating rampage as a child?

Then later you find out that the Democrat once worked as the press secretary for Mahmoud Ahmadinejad.

A popular tradition around Halloween used to be sitting around the fire and telling scary stories. Today you might hear the legend of your latest home oil-heating bill. That one leaves you shivering under the blankets for more reasons than one.

Then there was the gruesome tale about the HMO doctor who botched a man’s kidney operation by going in through his wallet. Don’t forget the numerous tales of dead Halloween spirits and zombies who still maintain the right to vote.

At one time Halloween was considered the scariest holiday, but then it was solely devoted to the children’s enjoyment. They would dress in witch and troll costumes, and they would look the part of evil.

Kids would never ring your doorbell wearing business suits and power ties. But if they did, they could scare you more than Michael Meyers. I know the real ones in those costumes do.

Politicians come at you from every angle. The kids only knock on the door once a year. Politicians haunt you all year round from every available media outlet.

If your local candidates aren’t scary enough, then you have the national elections. Presidential debates have been going on since early in the year. Most of us have been severely frightened by former Alaska Senator Mike Gravel, and won’t look at him anymore until he removes his mask. Unfortunately, the last time I checked, it is not an election year until 2008.

But they’re not about to let that stop them. Ten to fifteen candidates from all parties, including Homer Simpson, Hulk Hogan, and perhaps Pee Wee Herman will spout off their propaganda until we finally whittle the candidates down to two major ones.

Watching these debates at this point is like slowing down to stare at an automobile accident. The three people nationwide who are actually watching the debates according to the Nielsen ratings (reportedly Marge and Lisa Simpson and Macho Man Randy Savage) look at them with their eyes glazed over.

As Halloween arrives and Election Day gets closer the media blitz gets worse. Environmentalist candidates who want to save the trees drop leaflets and newsletters at your doorstep and in your mailbox.

Some candidates even resort to leaving recorded phone messages. Bill Clinton turned to this method a few years ago. Reportedly the police never received so many reports of obscene phone calls from females at any other time before.

Politicians often call during the dinner hour. Thank goodness Americans have nothing else to worry about, like paying that aforementioned heating bill, and are perfectly happy to listen to the candidate’s call. They are nearly as welcome as telemarketers. Politicians are a do not call list waiting to happen.

At least the obese Americans who ate too much Halloween candy are a good bet to lose that weight if they watch enough campaign commercials during dinner.

The children today don’t leave phone messages on your answering machine promising cheaper baby-sitting rates, or a rebate on snow shoveling chores in the future. Actually, early reports say that your neighbor’s kid has outsourced his snow-shoveling job to the new kid from India in the next town.

Anyway, after Halloween curfew arrives on October 31st, be sure to lock your windows and doors. Because the real horror show is about to begin.

Politicians. Just remember, you can vote for ghouls and goblins, or you can give them candy. Myself, I prefer the children.

Bob H

Uhhh, just noticing that Christmas ornaments have been available in the malls for weeks, I guess it's never too early for this:

To: All Staff
Date: December 1
Subject: New "Twelve Days of Christmas" Policy

The recent announcement that Donner and Blitzen have elected to take the early reindeer retirement package has triggered a good deal of concern about whether they will be replaced, and about other restructuring decisions at the North Pole.

Streamlining is due to the North Pole's loss of dominance in the season's gift distribution business. Home Shopping TV channels and mail order catalogues have diminished Santa's market share. He and the Board could not sit idly by and permit further erosion of the profit picture.

The reindeer downsizing was made possible through purchase of a late model Japanese sled for the CEO's annual trip. Improved productivity from Dasher and Dancer, who summered at the Harvard Business School, is anticipated. Reduction in the reindeer will also lessen airborne environmental emissions for which the North Pole has received unfavorable press (gas and solid waste).

We're pleased to inform you that Rudolph's role will not be disturbed. Tradition still counts for something at the North Pole!

Management denies, in the strongest possible language, the earlier leak that Rudolph's nose get red, not from the cold, but from substance abuse. Calling Rudolph "a lush who was into the sauce and never did pull his share of the load" was an unfortunate comment, made by one of Santa's helpers and taken out of context at a time of the year when they are known to be under 'executive stress'.

As for further restructuring, today's global challenges require the North Pole to continue to look for better, more competitive steps. Effective immediately, the following economy measures are to take place in the "Twelve Days of Christmas" music subsidiary:

1) The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree, which never produced the cash crop forecasted, will be replaced by a plastic hanging plant, providing considerable savings in maintenance;

2) Two turtle doves represent a redundancy that is simply not cost effective. In addition, their romance during working hours could not be condoned. The positions are, therefore, eliminated;

3) The three French hens will remain intact. After all, everyone loves the French;

4) The four calling birds will be replaced by an automated voice mail system, with a call waiting option. An analysis is underway to determine who the birds have been calling, how often and how long they talked;

5) The five golden rings have been put on hold by the Board of Directors. Maintaining a portfolio based on one commodity could have negative implications for institutional investors. Diversification into other precious metals, as well as a mix of T-Bills and high technology stocks, appear to be in order;

6) The six geese-a-laying constitutes a luxury which can no longer be afforded. It has long been felt that the production rate of one egg per goose per day was an example of the general decline in productivity. Three geese will be let go, and an upgrading in the selection procedure by personnel will assure management that, from now on, every goose it gets will be a good one;

7) The seven swans-a-swimming is obviously a number chosen in better times. The function is primarily decorative. Mechanical swans are on order. The current swans will be retrained to learn some new strokes, thereby enhancing their outplacement;

8) As you know, the eight maids-a-milking concept has been under heavy scrutiny by the EEOC. A male/female balance in the workforce is being sought. The more militant maids consider this a dead-end job with no upward mobility. Automation of the process may permit the maids to try a-mending, a-mentoring or a-mulching;

9) Nine ladies dancing has always been an odd number. This function will be phased out as these individuals grow older and can no longer do the steps;

10) Ten Lords-a-leaping is overkill. The high cost of Lords, plus the expense of international air travel, prompted the Compensation Committee to suggest replacing this group with ten out-of-work congressmen. While leaping ability may be somewhat sacrificed, the savings are significant as we expect an oversupply of unemployed congressmen this year;

11) Eleven pipers piping and twelve drummers drumming is a simple case of the band getting too big. A substitution with a string quartet, a cutback on new music, and no uniforms, will produce savings which will drop right to the bottom line;

Overall we can expect a substantial reduction in assorted people, fowl, animals and related expenses. Though incomplete, studies indicate that stretching deliveries over twelve days is inefficient. If we can drop ship in one day, service levels will be improved.

Regarding the lawsuit filed by the attorney's association seeking expansion to include the legal profession ("thirteen lawyers-a-suing"), a decision is pending.

Deeper cuts may be necessary in the future to remain competitive. Should that happen, the Board will request management to scrutinize the Snow White Division to see if seven dwarfs is the right number.

Happy Holidays all!!

Bob H

Considering today's programming, this is an award show which really needs to be televised.

Pioneering research into a "gay bomb" that makes enemy troops "sexually irresistible" to each other has scooped one of this year's Ig Nobel Prizes.

Other winners included work on treating hamster jetlag with impotency drugs, extracting vanilla from cow dung, and the side-effects of sword swallowing.

The awards, founded in 1991, mark achievements that "first make people laugh, and then make them think".

The prize ceremony took place at Harvard University.

Genuine Nobel Laureates handed out the much-coveted awards to the winners, who took away no cash, but instead received a hand-made prize, a certificate, and, of course, the glory of such an illustrious win.

Dan Meyer, executive director of Sword Swallowing Association International and an author of the British Medical Journal paper Sword Swallowing and its Side-Effects, said: "I was surprised and extremely honoured when I found out I was not only nominated for an Ig Nobel prize but that I had won it. I couldn't believe it."

He told the BBC News website that the study revealed that when professional sword swallowers ingested a single sword very carefully, it did not do much harm, but swallowing many swords, strangely shaped blades, or being distracted when swallowing, could cause injury.

The findings also suggested that sword swallowers should not swallow swords if they already had a sore throat, he said.

Unfortunately, said the organisers, nobody from the US military who carried out the research on chemicals that could prompt homosexual dalliances amongst rival troops (a research project called Harassing, Annoying and "Bad Guy" Identifying Chemicals) attended the ceremony because the study's authors could not be tracked down.

The Ig Nobel Prizes were created by the Annals of Improbable Research (AIR), a science magazine.

The awards, now in their 17th year, are intended to "celebrate the unusual, honour the imaginative - and spur people's interest in science, medicine and technology".

Marc Abrahams, the editor of AIR, told the BBC News website: "When I became the editor of a science magazine, suddenly I was meeting all kinds of people who had done things that were hard to describe, and for the most part, nobody had ever heard of.

"For some of them, it seemed a great shame that nobody would give them any kind of recognition, and that was what really led to the birth of the Ig Nobels."

Like their more sober counterpart, the Nobel Prizes, the Ig Nobels are split into several categories and all research is real and published.

2007 Ig Nobel Winners

Medicine - Brian Witcombe, of Gloucestershire Royal NHS Foundation Trust, UK, and Dan Meyer for their probing work on the health consequences of swallowing a sword.

Physics - A US-Chile team who ironed out the problem of how sheets become wrinkled.

Biology - Dr Johanna van Bronswijk of the Netherlands for carrying out a creepy crawly census of all of the mites, insects, spiders, ferns and fungi that share our beds.

Chemistry - Mayu Yamamoto, from Japan, for developing a method to extract vanilla fragrance and flavouring from cow dung.

Linguistics - A University of Barcelona team for showing that rats are unable to tell the difference between a person speaking Japanese backwards and somebody speaking Dutch backwards.

Literature - Glenda Browne of Blue Mountains, Australia, for her study of the word "the", and how it can flummox those trying to put things into alphabetical order.

Peace - The US Air Force Wright Laboratory for instigating research and development on a chemical weapon that would provoke widespread homosexual behaviour among enemy troops.

Nutrition - Brian Wansink of Cornell University for investigating the limits of human appetite by feeding volunteers a self-refilling, "bottomless" bowl of soup.

Economics - Kuo Cheng Hsieh of Taiwan for patenting a device that can catch bank robbers by dropping a net over them.

Aviation - A National University of Quilmes, Argentina, team for discovering that impotency drugs can help hamsters to recover from jet lag.

Bob H