THE EARTH EXPERIENCES 50,000 EARTHQUAKES A YEAR

RHODE ISLAND WAS THE LAST OF THE ORIGINAL THIRTEEN COLONIES TO BECOME A STATE

THE MONA LISA HAS NO EYEBROWS – SHAVED EYEBROWS WERE A FAD AT THE TIME

DUE TO A CALENDAR MIX-UP, THERE WERE TWO YEARS IN A ROW IDENTIFIED AS “1973”

20% OF PEOPLE WHO HAVE THEIR APPENDIX REMOVED LATER DECIDE TO HAVE IT REINSTALLED

CLOSE EXAMINATION OF THE DIME REVEALS THAT ROOSEVELT IS SWEATY

ARCHAEOLOGISTS BELIEVE THE GREAT WALL OF CHINA WAS BUILT TO KEEP OUT MEXICANS

SINCE 1917, THE PULITZER PRIZE COMMITTEE HAS GIVEN AWAY NEARLY 2,000 MEDALS, MORE THAN $20 MILLION AND DOZENS OF JET SKIS

WHEN YOU’RE OUT OF SCHLITZ, YOU’RE OUT OF BEER

ABRAHAM LINCOLN WAS WEARING HIS STOVEPIPE HAT WHEN HE LOST HIS VIRGINITY

MORE THAN 30% OF THE WORLD’S SALT IS USED TO GARNISH MARGARITAS

APPROXIMATELY 200,000 DRIVERS A YEAR ARE SERIOUSLY BURNED BY EZ-PASS SENSORS

THE UNITED STATES POSTMASTER GENERAL MUST BE ABLE TO LICK AT LEAST 40 STAMPS PER MINUTE

EVERY TUESDAY IS SLOPPY JOE NIGHT AT THE WHITE HOUSE

IT IS BELIEVED THAT, BY 2028, A CUP OF STARBUCKS COFFEE WILL COST 19 DOLLARS

WOLF BLITZER GOT HIS START AS AN MTV VEEJAY

ORVILLE WRIGHT WAS THE FIRST MEMBER OF THE MILE-HIGH CLUB

AS A SMALL BOY, TIGER WOODS WAS BITTEN BY A RADIOACTIVE TIGER

CRIMINALS CAN ELUDE LAW-ENFORCEMENT JURISDICTION BY FLEEING TO THE INTERNATIONAL HOUSE OF PANCAKES
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-THE AVERAGE AMERICAN EATS 35,000 COOKIES IN HIS OR HER LIFETIME

-THE 1980 ERUPTION OF MT. ST. HELENS WAS THE RESULT OF LOCAL PUNKS PLAYING WITH FIRECRACKERS

-THANKS TO A PROMOTIONAL DEAL, STARTING NEXT YEAR MOUNTAIN TIME WILL BE RENAMED "MOUNTAIN DEW TIME"

-ACCORDING TO SOUP ENTHUSIASTS, CAMPBELL'S ALPHABET SOUP WAS NEVER AS GOOD AFTER THE 1974 CHANGEOVER FROM LOWERCASE TO UPPERCASE

LARRY THE CABLE GUY HAS AN ILLEGAL CABLE HOOK-UP

-LOSE WEIGHT NOW - ASK ME HOW

-WHILE TOURING JAPAN WITH HIS ENVIRONMENTAL PRESENTATION, AL GORE ALSO DID SOME SUMO WRESTLING

-IF YOU MAKE A COW LAUGH HARD ENOUGH, MILK WILL COME OUT OF ITS NOSE

-TRUTH OR CONSEQUENCES, NEW MEXICO IS ONE OF TWO UNITED STATES TOWNS NAMED AFTER A GAME SHOW. THE OTHER IS PASSWORD, NEVADA

-SHAKESPEARE COINED DOZENS OF WORDS, INCLUDING "SHOPASAURUS" AND "BRIDEZILLA"

-IT TAKES THE AVERAGE GIRAFFE TWO YEARS TO FULLY RECOVER FROM A SORE THROAT

-TO ENSURE PROMPT DELIVERY OF E-MAIL, THE POST OFFICE RECOMMENDS AFFIXING A 32-CENT STAMP TO YOUR COMPUTER

-CONTRARY TO THE PHRASE "YOU CAN'T TAKE IT WITH YOU," MANY THEOLOGIANS BELIEVE THE AFTERLIFE HONORS 401-K ACCOUNTS

-BY 2012, PIZZA HUT HOPES TO FOCUS LESS ON PIZZA SALES AND MORE ON ITS HUT BUSINESS

-THE AVERAGE VENDING MACHINE CANDY BAR IS FOUR-AND-A-HALF YEARS OLD

-OSCAR MAYER'S WIFE DIVORCED HIM BECAUSE HE ALWAYS CAME HOME SMELLING LIKE BOLOGNA

-YOU'RE NOT FULLY CLEAN UNLESS YOU'RE ZESTFULLY CLEAN

-CHINA'S REVERED GENERAL TSO WAS KNOWN TO BATTER-FRY HIS ENEMIES IN TANGY ORANGE SAUCE

-THREE OUT OF TEN DOCTORS ADMIT TO LICKING THE TONGUE DEPRESSORS BEFORE USING THEM

Bob H

The year 2007 became the year of many choices for the American public. We could have chosen to overlook Paris, Britney, Lindsay, and Rosie O’Donnell, but we did not.

But in something even worse than that, politics, Americans were given the opportunity to determine its choice for President in 2008, a mere nineteen months away at the time of the first Presidential debate.

The first Presidential debate was held in April. And the American public, always up for such an important challenge, responded firmly and positively to the candidates by tuning their television sets in every night to vote in American Idol.

Meanwhile, Florida, eager to make amends for past voting mistakes, had its 2008 primary election shifted to February 2005, where Al Gore was defeated again.

Also, Senator Larry Craig allegedly exercised his constitutional right to become gay for a day (Article XXV11), and then he resigned from the Senate, clarifying his point by rescinding his resignation.

In my home state, New Jersey, always conscious of making a difference shifted its Presidential primary to March 2009.

Elsewhere, steroids and scandals became an issue of the day, depending on whom you choose to believe. And good old OJ Simpson began his not so long awaited comeback.

The year 2007 got off to a fast start when the Democrats seized control of both houses of Congress, and Rosie O’Donnell became the first female speaker of the US House of Representatives. The American public quickly realized that it was able to get beyond petty party differences and unite behind an issue we all can support: an intense hatred for all politicians.

Microsoft releases Windows Vista and Office 2007.

Actress Lindsay Lohan tries the latest hot trend in Hollywood: drive through rehab.

Microsoft releases Windows Buena Vista and Office February 1, 2007, causing Windows Vista and Office 2007 to become immediately obsolete.

New Jersey, remaining conscious of making a difference, moves its Presidential primary to August 5, 1941.

Moving on to February, Microsoft recalls one million copies of Office 2007 and releases Windows Chalet Vista March 2007.

Florida, being ever wary to get this election right, moved its February 2005 primary to April 2010.

Home sales continue to decline as empty cardboard refrigerator cartons in dark alleys are now retailing for $549,000.

Allegedly crazy astronaut Lisa Nowak is allegedly charged with the attempted murder of a romantic rival for the affections of alien being Dennis Kucinich, whom she met on a space flight. This crime was allegedly committed with the use of a wig, diapers, pepper spray, Cheetos, Hamburger Helper, and Head-On, Apply Directly to the Forehead. Ms. Nowak allegedly drove non-stop from Houston to an Orlando airport, where she immediately crashed into a stranded Jet Blue airliner that was stranded on the runway.

Anna Nicole Smith dies, and receives no media attention whatsoever. Her infant son becomes the focus of a paternity suit, where a weird, sobbing judge finally awards custody of the child to the Elian Gonzales family.

The 79th Academy Awards are held in Hollywood. The Departed, a futuristic movie about upcoming award shows featuring celebrities speaking without writers, wins Best Comedy.

March 2007 was not a laughing matter. The MegaMillions lottery sets a world record for highest lottery jackpot in the US, $370 million. It is won by Bill Gates. Scattered New Jersey residents receive one dollar for having the Powerball number.

Microsoft releases Hasta La Vista April 2007, closes up its office and moves to Switzerland.

Attorney General Alberto Gonzales receives criticism from Democrats for allegedly forging a MegaMillions winning lottery ticket.

Scooter Libby is convicted on five counts of federal charges for having a stupid nickname.

Daylight Savings Time is moved to March in a law passed by Congress. Americans are now legally required to set their clocks ahead to January 20, 2009.

To raise badly needed state funding, New Jersey Governor Jon Corzine considers selling New Jersey Turnpike toll roads to Alberto Gonzales.

We were totally offended by April, as was the FCC when radio shock jock Don Imus calls Bill Gates a nappy headed ho for winning the MegaMillions lottery.

The first of approximately 2,367 Presidential debates of the 2008 election is held in South Carolina. Observers from all over agree that this debate was won decisively by Sanjaya Malakar.

The Dow Jones Industrial average closes above 13,000 points for the first time in its history. And we all know what that means.

I don’t either.

Ohio space alien Dennis Kucinich introduces articles to impeach Vice President Darth Cheney.

New Jersey Governor Jon Corzine is nearly killed in an auto accident when he wasn’t wearing a seat belt.

Driving swiftly into May, we saw Lindsay Lohan win the 2007 Indianapolis 500.

The April Presidential debate whittled the number of potential Presidential candidates down to 35,296. The latest candidate persuaded to drop out of the race was John Kerry, with his memorable concession speech, “Don’t tase me, bro.”

Lindsay Lohan, upon crashing her car after winning the Indy 500, immediately checks into Promises One-Stop Drive-Thru Rehab Wine and Spirits Center in Malibu.

Upon hearing this report, the Dow Jones Industrial Average closed below 7,000.

New Jersey Governor Jon Corzine, complete with his broken bones and broken budget, wishes state citizens a happy Memorial Day in a public service commercial by reminding them that he should be dead for riding without a seat belt. Have a nice day.

On a lighter note, Corzine graciously offered to donate the respirator he used during his recovery to the Philadelphia Phillies.

But the nation’s hopes turned to grief in June as Paris Hilton is sentenced to life imprisonment for first degree pretentiousness and excessive cruelty to PSAT exams. 24 hour Drive Thru Three Lanes No Waiting Paris coverage by the media gave a hopeful and waiting nation the option to change the channel at any time during the day.

A totally rehabilitated and reborn Paris Hilton is released from prison, and vows to use her celebrity to visit Rwanda for the good of mankind.

Bob Barker hosts his final “The Price is Right” show, and vows to have Paris Hilton spayed and neutered for the good of mankind.

The Apple iPhone is released quietly with no media fanfare whatsoever to the 10,000 people lined up outside your local store to buy one since February 2001. The iPhone has the ability to take pictures, text message, perform unnecessary surgery, tune up your car, have an affair with your wife, and make the occasional phone call.

Speaking of surgery, in July President Bush underwent a colonoscopy procedure, leaving Vice President Dick Cheney in charge of things for two and one half hours. Everything remains business as usual, except for all the locks being changed in the White House, and a preemptive strike being called on Keith Olbermann.

Cheney also issues himself a full Presidential pardon, “Just in case.”

The returning President Bush decides to excuse Scooter Libby from any prison time, and sends him on a hunting trip with Dick Cheney.

Live Earth concerts are held throughout the world to help save the environment and to fight global warming. The clean up work from these shows is still taking place today as we speak.

The Dow Jones Industrial Average closes above 14,000 points for the first time.

The final book in the epic Harry Potter series is released: “Harry Potter Prepares For Puberty and Retirement By Learning About Different Forms of Capital Gains From Suze Orman.” The book sells 11.5 million copies in the US in its first ten days on sale.

Upon investors learning that this is the final Harry Potter book, the Dow Jones Industrial Average lost 12,500 points.

In New Jersey news, Miss New Jersey is being blackmailed by her new iPhone when it threatens to make provocative pictures it took of her public unless she gives up her crown.

Moving on to August, we saw Marion Jones hit her 756th career home run, breaking Hank Aaron’s major league baseball record.

Michael Vick pleads guilty to dogfighting charges. Bob Barker immediately vows to have Vick spayed and neutered.

Troubled attorney General Alberto Gonzales finally resigns, due to alleged steroid use.

Troubled actress Nicole Richie serves 82 seconds in solitary confinement for driving under the influence of drugs.

Mattel recalls millions of toys made in China for the second time in two weeks. The recall also included shrimp, dog food, toothpaste, and Head On, Apply Directly to the Forehead.

Senator Larry Craig uses a Minneapolis airport rest room and learns the true value of “holding it in.” Craig is charged with using a wide stance in a restricted area. Craig tries to bring the lid down on this story and flush it away by pleading guilty and not guilty, then resigning and not resigning.

Long time political advisor Karl (MC) Rove resigns from the White House.

The last remaining staff member, long time Presidential dog Barney, resigns from the White House.

Troubled actress Lindsay Lohan, after crashing her car into Barry Bonds’ head, returns to rehab for the good of mankind.

In September, for the good of mankind Paris Hilton forgets to go to Rwanda. Celebrations continue in Rwanda today as we speak.

Upon hearing this news, the Dow Jones Industrial Average rose 25,000 points.

Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad denies there are any gays in Iran, while speaking with a wide stance at Columbia University.

A speaking engagement by John Kerry is interrupted by a student who screams, “Don’t tase me, bro” at astronaut Lisa Nowak, who subdues him and tasers him.

Model citizen OJ Simpson is somehow accused of running afoul of the law when he decides to retrieve some sports memorabilia, which allegedly belong to him. Unfortunately OJ is charged with robbery and kidnapping as opposed to murder, and may actually have to serve as much prison time as Paris Hilton.

Troubled celebrity Britney Spears opens the MTV Video Music Awards, causing many troubled viewers to enter rehab.

Locally, the Philadelphia Phillies receive an early Christmas gift from the New York Mets, a division title, causing joy and excitement for fans all over the South Jersey area for at least three minutes.

Staggering drunkenly into October, we saw Al Gore win the 2007 Nobel Peace Prize for his work to raise awareness of global warming. Gore had previously won two Oscars for his documentary film, “Superbad.”

Sanjaya Malakar debuts as the new host of “The Price is Right.”

Marion Jones surrenders her five Olympic medals she won in the 2000 games at Sydney to Barry Bonds.

The Airbus 380, the world’s largest passenger plane, made its first commercial flight from Singapore to Sydney. Still no one on board was able to open the complimentary bag of peanuts.

New Jersey adds a question to its November ballot: “Should the polling places for the upcoming 2008 Presidential primary be moved to the New Jersey Turnpike to raise needed state revenue?”

Things grew darker in November, because there was a thirty percent increase in foreclosure filings during the third quarter of 2007, according to an online market report. The market’s office is now located in a local hot dog vendor cart.

Troubled actress Lindsay Lohan spends 84 minutes being waterboarded due to a drunken driving charge.

Americans spend the Thanksgiving Day holiday in the traditional manner: hitting fellow consumers over the head with turkey legs while lined up in front of Best Buy at 2 AM.

Barry Bonds is indicted by the federal government for hitting his 756th home run while using the stance of Idaho Senator Larry Craig.

New Jersey rejects ballot questions for the first time in seventeen years, involving money for property tax relief and stem cell research. They also voted down question four about whether New Jersey should build a casino on the New Jersey Turnpike between Exits 4 and 8 to raise badly needed state revenue.

Finally closing out the year in December, we saw the Presidential race really begin to thin out as only 1,940 candidates remained in the contest. The front running candidate, due to her incredible fund raising ability, remains Hannah Montana.

An utterly repentant Don Imus returns to the airwaves. Unfortunately, Reverend Al Sharpton has not stopped speaking since Imus’ dismissal in April.

As Christmas approaches, Santa Claus continues to be vilified in the nation’s press for being massively obese. An outraged Santa orders an extra shipment of GI Joe dolls from China, which quickly explode upon delivery.

Locally, New Jersey becomes the first state to repeal the death penalty. They later proposed another ballot question for 2008: “Should New Jersey build additional prisons on the New Jersey Turnpike between Exits 9 and 12 to raise badly needed state revenue?”

The Philadelphia Eagles rally to finish a disappointing season at 8-8, and out of the NFL playoffs. An utterly repentant quarterback Donovan McNabb reminds fans, “It doesn’t matter what you do in October, it only matters what you do in December when nothing whatsoever is on the line.”

As 2007 ended, we saw the Writers Guild of America go on strike. Picketers saved considerable money on signs because nothing was written on them.

And as the year came to a close, Santa Claus was defending himself in a lawsuit claiming he was offering leaded candy canes. A spokesman for the team of elves Santa outsourced to China offered no comment.

So amid the scandals and steroid controversies of 2007, our last remaining choice is to end the year heavily sedated. And as we wake and look toward 2008, remember that some of us still live in New Jersey. We plan to wake up and make a difference around August 2009, which is the latest date for our Presidential primary.

Thank you and Happy New Year.

Bob H

Advice from a University of Minnesota Expert

A guest column by Davis Logsdon, Chairman of the University of Minnesota's Dept. of Psychology:

As a prominent child psychologist and the father of two tween girls, I have grappled with the same problem that many parents are facing today: how to talk to your child about Jamie Lynn Spears. While this is an issue that every parent must navigate for him or herself, here are some questions that your child is likely to ask, followed by the correct answers.

How did Jamie Lynn Spears get pregnant?
According to her mom, Jamie Lynn was a good girl who always respected her curfew and girls like that usually don’t get pregnant. So the answer is, no one knows.

Could Kevin Federline have made Jamie Lynn Spears pregnant?
No. This is one of those rare instances when someone got pregnant and Kevin Federline was not involved.

Now that Jamie Lynn is pregnant, will Zoey, the character she plays on Nickelodeon, get pregnant, too?
No. Remember, Jamie Lynn is a real person and Zoey is just a made-up character. Plus, Nickelodeon is owned by an angry old man named Sumner Redstone who doesn’t let people get pregnant. So there is absolutely no way Zoey will get pregnant. Instead, Zoey will get cancelled.

Could Hannah Montana get pregnant?
I thought we already went through this. Hannah Montana isn’t a real person. She’s a character played by Miley Cyrus.

Okay, then could Miley Cyrus get pregnant?
No, because her dad’s always around and he creeps boys out.

Are the girls on Disney’s “High School Musical” pregnant?
No, the girls on Disney’s “High School Musical” are not pregnant. They have been too busy posing for naked pictures on the Internet to get pregnant.

If I pose for naked pictures on the Internet, will that keep me from getting pregnant?
It couldn’t hurt.

Bob H

It seems that Christmas traditions are not what they used to be in this different day and age. In recent years we’ve come to see many new ones added.

Like your friendly neighborhood fist fight outside the Walmart Holiday Blowout Sale at 2 AM on Black Friday. And, due to the numerous budget cuts at your workplace, the traditional Christmas turkey that they give you has been replaced by a two and one-half pound Butterball canary.

Even Christmas veteran Santa Claus has not been immune to budget cuts. In Santa’s latest round of layoffs, Donder and Rudolph were the only reindeer to be retained, and the other jobs have been outsourced overseas. Santa’s sleigh will now be pulled by three donkeys, a gnu, a burro, and an aardvark.

Contrary to tradition, the big guy’s image has taken a beating these days. In recent years, Santa recruitment agency the Ministry of Fun has established strict beard, girth, and conduct guidelines for Santa Claus, a lawyer from Cincinnati has sued Christmas, and the Center for Consumer Freedom has recommended the use of a Christmas Cookie Liability and Indemnification agreement.

Actually, this year Santa has to change the way he conducts his business.

For almost one hundred years, the Post Office employees have sorted through letters to Santa and passed them along to volunteers who were willing to help answer them.

But before those volunteers can answer the letters this year, they need to provide photo identification, and sign a waiver releasing the Postal Service from liability for any possible impropriety.

A team of extremely short lawyers and one dentist is currently looking into the matter.

Elves moonlighting in business suits is one thing, but most people prefer Santa Claus in his traditional red garb. The Steiner School in Brighton had a different opinion. The felt that his red suit was another symbol of “modern commercialism.”

The parents’ committee at Brighton believes that the red suit would remind children of Coca-Cola advertisements. So instead the children will be visited by Santa Claus decked out in green.

Santa Claus’ press agent denies the allegations of any association with Coke, and insists that Claus has been around longer than the soft drink has.

He goes on to say that Mr. Claus freely admits to being two thousand years old, despite his recent youthful appearance on MTV’s Total Request Live, which is credited to many Botox treatments.

Commercialism of Claus remains strictly tied to electric razor endorsements, which brings Mr. Claus a lucrative cash flow during the slower summertime period when he is clean shaven.

The Santa who was presented by the Staten Island Mall was anything but clean shaven. The mall wanted to present an average, every day, at home version of Santa. So customers found Saint Nick dressed in a lumberjack shirt, red suspenders and red pants, and without his red hat and coat. Or paper towel endorsements.

The idea was to make it Casual Monday through Thursday for Santa to show off his look at the workshop. As it turns out, he also wore green and red striped knee socks, and a pair of Crocs at the workshop.

All that was missing for the children to see was a six pack and a large pizza. The new look casual Claus only lasted one day in Staten Island.

Along with that, we’ve now learned that Santa Claus’ choice of words is also a problem. His traditional phrase, “Ho ho ho”is not to be used by Santa Claus in Sydney, Australia because it may be offensive to women.

Another Santa recruitment firm has told its Santas not to use “ho ho ho” because it could frighten little children and it was too close to the term “ho,” which has another meaning.

A US based Westaff recruitment spokesman says that the use of hos was left to the discretion of the individual Santa himself.

Other Santas in Australia still respect the ideas of tradition. An Australian man has won the world Santa Claus championships in Sweden by excelling in his chimney climbing skills and gentle nature with children.

Dave Downey beat out thirty other contestants from around the world to take home the gold medal at the Snoyran Santa Games.

Prospective winners had to battle it out in five sports: chimney climbing, reindeer racing, porridge eating, kick sled racing, and Santa’s Christmas Eve.

Mr. Downey won the gold medal, a diploma, and a hand made sculpture of Santa. Maybe next year the USA can bring the gold back home where it belongs.

Anyway, everyone realizes that Christmas is not what it used to be nowadays. Today the Kringle Towers at the North Pole oversee a vast media conglomerate around the world, and holiday toys now come with leaded and unleaded versions.

But hopefully every denomination can have their own Merry Christmas, traditional or not. And I know a team of short lawyers who need side work in November.

Bob H

Around this joyous time of year, we here at Gift Guide Headquarters always tend to wax nostalgic about Christmases of our past. We remember fondly the Christmas of 1985, which we spent in the emergency room at Underwood Hospital after being trampled at Walmart’s 2 For 1 Nose Hair Trimmer sale display for the holidays.

Memories of the very special Christmas of 2005 bring a tear to our eye also, mainly due to lingering pain. We revisited our many friends in the intensive care unit at Underwood Hospital after being trampled at 2:00AM on Black Friday while standing in line at Boscov’s “Super 48 Hours in 24 Holiday Hell Nextel Cup Spectacular” trying to buy the new Corporate Headhunter Elmo doll.

Such beautiful memories will last a lifetime. Hopefully not the scars. And speaking of lifetime scars, it’s time once again for this year’s Holiday Gift Guide.

This collection of regular, premium, but definitely unleaded gifts is carefully designed specifically for those truly special people in your life around the holidays. Since death threats will bring you a lengthy prison term, you’ll find that our collection of rarities is definitely the way to go for them.

Here at Gift Guide Headquarters, our gifts are subjected to a strict and rigorous testing program to prove the utmost in quality. 1.) They have to actually be available for purchase through the Internet, 2.) They do not come from China, 3.) They are left outside the front door at Best Buy on their 2 AM Black Friday sale when the doors first open, and 4.) They do not bring us death threats.

All right, we may have been a little lax on that last rule. But putting all of that aside, let us begin with this year’s must have list.

In order to receive one of our little prizes, all the little children of the world need to have been good. When we stop to think about it here at Headquarters, perhaps that is why so many kids have been bad.

And he knows if you’ve been bad or good, so be good for goodness sake. We don’t mean George W. Bush this time. We’re referring to Dancing Lumpy, the Animated Lump of Coal, available at www.prankplace.com for $16.88.

Lumpy knows you’ve been bad, and he has written a special little song about it just for you. Just clap your hands and listen to Lumpy’s tune as his mouth moves and he does a little dance.

You may have been really bad, but you need Dancing Lumpy in your home. He’ll find accommodations extremely comfortable in your furnace, and you’ll feel better as you watch Dancing Lumpy ease this month’s home heating bill a bit.

Gifts such as Lumpy make life at your home easier. If you own one of our products, then someone else will be suffering just a little less. But some of society’s most overlooked home wreckers are your neighborhood squirrels.

Www.amazon.com shows you the ten most wanted of these culprits on a tee shirt, available for $17.99.

And remember, if you don’t buy this shirt, the squirrels have won.

Once you have secured your home from such intruders you always want to enjoy the time you spend there, especially at mealtime. But even the finest of dinners can constitute a major effort.

During meals, operating the salt and pepper shakers can often wear you out. Up and down, up and down, haven’t you done enough at work already? Well, remove the drudgery from seasoning your food with “Movers and Shakers: The Self Shaking Salt and Pepper Shakers from www.stupid.com.

All you need to do is position the shaker over your food, pull the ring, and the shaker will tremble away all by itself. Batteries are not included or necessary; the shakers contain a miniature gearbox that operates on a pull of the string.

If you can somehow find the ambition, you can purchase Movers and Shakers for $10.99.

At this holiday season, perhaps you’ll find that you don’t have much ambition. After all, look at you. You’re reading this.

You may be a burned out entrepreneur. You may be a deluded idealist. But one thing you definitely are is bitter.

Then you’ll need this Bitterness Desktopper from www.despair.com for $15.95.

This desktopper comes with a photo of a sand castle being washes away and includes the saying, “Never be afraid to share your dreams with the world, because there’s nothing the world loves more than the taste of really sweet dreams.”

If you dare to dream or have someone on your gift list that truly needs their dreams crushed, get the Bitterness desktopper today. You’ll be glad you did.

Such people are not exactly keeping the holiday spirit. Www.forzieri.com has an item for those people who take bitterness to the next level. What better way to say Merry Christmas than with the Mr. Suicide Bathroom Plug, selling for #29.95.

This plug, first designed in 2000, features a dead Mr. Suicide, a little yellow character who floats to the surface whenever you take a bath.

Festive holiday gift wrapping is also available when you purchase Mr. Suicide.

Obviously it is hard to maintain a festive holiday spirit at all times. Especially when people are next to you in public gabbing away on their cell phones.

Www.stupid.com has developed an utterly brilliant but yet evil device that will help you get even with cell phone abusers. It’s Cell Phoney, available for $9.99.

Cell Phoney simulates six common ring tones of popular cell phones. The next time you are out in public you can just press one of Cell Phoney’s buttons and watch everyone scramble for their cell phones.

Batteries are included, and you can use Cell Phoney in meetings, malls, and even at funerals. You can’t torment the guy screaming, “Hello? Where are you?” soon enough.

When you are out in public like that, most people often enjoy bringing a mug of their favorite drink with them. If you are truly a card carrying American, you will fill your mug with coffee. So you need the Caffeine Molecule Stainless Travel Mug from www.thinkgeek.com, available for $12.99.

These mugs have the caffeine molecule printed in black on the front of them. They have a sixteen ounce capacity, and fit into the majority of automobile drink cup holders.

When you just can’t get enough caffeine, just claim you invented it yourself with the Caffeine Molecule Travel Mug.

Other fine inventions have come in the medical fields. And what could possibly be more important than keeping your family healthy? One thing would probably be to listen to a qualified physician as opposed to reading some Gift Guide. But that is another matter for another time.

Right now, our next item is from www.mcphee.com. You can keep your family pet healthy for $34.95 with the Cow Acupuncture Model.

Acupuncture is the ancient science of pressure points. I’m not sure whether it was first designed to aid cows, but this model will give you an accurate guide on just where to stick Bossy. It is a ten inch long hollow rubber model on a wooden base.

Any true animal lover would stick their cow full of needles to make it healthier. Hopefully medical science will have something for you in our next Gift Guide to help you heal faster after you attempt this.

The country needed to do some healing back in the early 1970s. President Richard Nixon was required to leave office due to a misunderstanding about him allegedly stealing office supplies.

But www.talkingpresidents.com prefers to remember a happier time with President Nixon. They have a fine art print they call “On a Roll With Nixon” available for $11.99.

This print consists of Mr. Nixon in mid-delivery on a bowling lane. Any time you visit your local bowling center, remember that a former president may have been there in the past. I just hope that someone had been there to verify his bowling scores.

Another politician who has made a few headlines recently hasn’t had the best of years. He is now commonly known for using a wide bowling stance in a Minneapolis men’s room. Www.stupid.com has immortalized Senator Larry Craig with the Talking Senator Larry Craig Action Figure for $34.99.

Senator Craig stands about twelve inches tall and wears a tee shirt which states emphatically, “I Am Not Gay.” His limbs are actually bendable, so you can put him in whatever stance you choose.

Our next item can commonly be found in Africa, but we need them in the states right now. This is the Fully Loaded Donkey Powered Mobile Business Unit.

This unit is a donkey drawn carriage, fitted with a solar panel that charges a twelve volt battery under the driver’s seat. It becomes an independent source of energy that powers cell phone connectivity, front and rear emergency lights and a small neon tube at night. It also has a water filtration system.

This unit, along with the salt and pepper shakers, is an alternative energy source for the ages.

Now that you’ve saved money on energy and taken care of your family’s health, it’s time to do something for yourself. You want to relax and work outside in your garden. You will have peace and your garden will stand out from your neighbors’ when you add the Big Foot Garden Yeti Sculpture for $98.95.

Www.skymall.com offers this two foot tall monster with his standard big feet. Alleged sightings of Bigfoot have now been reported from the Himalayas to the northwest United States, to your garden.

Amaze your friends and neighbors as they run screaming to the Himalayas with your own Big Foot Garden Sculpture.

This item will certainly add to the décor of your home. But what you really need is something for your bathroom. All of your friends who drink will eventually need to use the facility.

When they get there they will find the Trimmer Dolphin Trio Toilet Seat Cover from www.target.com for $39.99.

This toilet seat cover makes a lovely and truly unexpected bathroom décor touch. What better mood could you set for your facility than the thought that it may be stocked with dolphins when someone lifts the lid? Enjoy one today.

While you’re fixing up your home you’ll find that you need something flashy for the wall of your den or game room. If you just don’t have the ambition to go hunting or don’t believe in it, then you need to try the Inflatable Moose Head from www.prankplace.com.

Why go to all the trouble of hunting when you can just blow a moose up with air? It measures over two feet long and over thirty inches tall when inflated. You can pull a rabbit out of your hat and buy your own Bullwinkle to keep for $19.89.

You can have the most magical of Christmases when you purchase items from our Holiday Gift Guide. Either that or you can make your relatives disappear for good. So get on the phone right now. We have operators standing by 24 hours a day who will personally block your call with Cell Phoney.

And as always, we offer our Guaranteed Made in China Lifetime Customer Service Guarantee: If for any possible reason on God’s green earth you are dissatisfied with one of our products, we will mail you a voucher guaranteeing you first place in line at next year’s Macy’s 2:00 AM Super Everything Must Go And No One Pays Until 2020 Black Friday Sale.

Thank you, and Merry Christmas from the emergency room.

Bob H.