“It’s just not cost effective to keep as many numbers on staff during this kind of business downturn. So the restructuring phase of our new marketing campaign will now unfortunately focus on downsizing of our current forces.”

What is your company actually saying there? Either some of us won’t have to do another tour of Iraq during an election year or else we’re being laid off from work.

In this age of incredible forms of technology, we have more ways than ever to communicate ideas with others. But no one wants to get to the point. What am I talking about? I have no idea.

But allow me to explain. You see, while this column demonstrates a vast richness in pedestrian quality, it still is found wanting in the context of substance.

I’ve never been insulted more politely in my entire life.

And the workplace is the most popular place to find the flowering of language.

Perhaps you’ve just received word that your office has been transferred to that area just outside the loading dock.

The good news: You have a lot more space to work. Your new office is roomier and much larger. The bad news: It’s out in the parking lot.

It is never good when this latest office transfer means that the list of different jobs you’ve held there is longer than the company manual. But management will soften the blow by telling you that it’s all part of “corporate realignment“.

Things are even worse when they move your storage locker right next to the trash compactor. You need that locker because that’s where you keep your safety equipment for your job.

Then the company informs you that due to “budget restraints” the safety harness they supply you to use on your reach fork is now being made out of silly string.

You always know that business is bad and layoffs will be coming in increasing numbers when you see your supervisor reading your farewell speech to you from cue cards.

That lack of communication at work becomes evident when they hold the infamous “shift meeting”. These are often held when you’re working in the back of your department.

There have been reports of forgotten employees being locked in the back of the plant for entire weekends. Holiday weekends are even worse.

One time I came back from a scheduled vacation to return to the midnight shift only to find the plant locked up until morning. Communication issues were abounding here.

There once was a time when your level of experience at a job generated much respect. It’s not in your favor nowadays when management asks you whether you were part of the construction crew that poured the concrete into the foundation of the company building.

After that, the company quietly brings in the new kids who will soon take over your position. And the company gives you the responsibility to communicate to the new people what your duties actually are. Without telling you. Even if you never knew what your duties were.

Communication becomes a lot more difficult when you learn that the new kid was born five years after your starting date of working there.

But you realize that management actually does appreciate you. That’s because they tell you there’s no need to hurry back from your scheduled vacation this time.

What they mean is; Feel free to take a little longer. Like a few extra months. Are you compensated for these months? Well, we’ll hold a shift meeting and take that under advisement.

If your job turns out to be that stressful, you will always need an adequate medical plan. There won’t be any need for surgery for the heart attack you have while waiting six months for that meeting. You’ll merely be having “necessary routine treatments” or a “procedure.”

When business is going that poorly, you may find yourself unemployed. During that period you will find that you can’t even watch your favorite television shows. But that’s not because they were canceled.

A given program will instead be placed “on hiatus”, be “pulled indefinitely”, “not renewed”, or find itself merely “off the schedule”.

But don’t worry. Tivo knew all about this already.

So instead of television, you turn to your new high definition radio. And your favorite artist is featured on the “soft rock” station, which is now heard prominently in elevators. You’ve already been bitter about this for years because you know there is no such thing as “soft rock”.

But you are told by your wife that your favorite now appeals to an “older demographic”. No one wants to hear nice words for “over the hill”, so you respond to her that he still kicks ass.

Now be quiet or I’ll hit you with my walker.

If you should happen to work for a restaurant, you may be told that your services are no longer required because the store is “undergoing renovations.”

Translation: They’re looking for a new gimmick which will fool the most people.

Anyway, the paucity of relevant occurrences calling for media intervention has created the circumstances which allowed this dissertation to be expressed.

Yeah, it’s been another slow news day.

Bob H

Income tax time comes at a particularly tough time for the economy this year. Normally, tax time provides a stimulus to the economy, mostly in one way plane trips to Switzerland. Instead, we are about a month away from receiving our economic stimulus checks from President Bush.

There is usually a large growth in the number of jobs in April every year. Most of them come as prison guards because of an sudden coincidental increase in membership. But unless you have chosen this or an airline as your profession, you will likely need a sharp stimulus in your paycheck.

According to our research department’s highly scribbled out calculations, the cost of living rose approximately 289 % last year. Meanwhile, our current employer’s cost of living raise added up to three percent.

Tax breaks would help to boost the economy. Here in New Jersey, you can get ideas by studying your tax booklet. It contains a message from Governor Jon Corzine, which reads “One of my goals as governor has been to help make New Jersey a more affordable place to live.”

Most state residents will be reading this message during their drive to Florida in a U-Haul with all of their belongings. If they are lucky, they avoid hitting a bridge abutment after reading that. So the first thing we learn in New Jersey is that we are encouraged to put a few jokes in our tax return.

Because if you can use your creativity to get a bigger tax refund on your own, you will be creating your own stimulus to the economy. Don’t even look at it as cheating. And thereby saving President Bush and our poor overworked government the extra effort.

Do-it-yourself tax forms would be of much greater benefit to the economy than a mere $600 stimulus check. Taxpayers will use that check to buy a day or two’s worth of groceries, or to buy one textbook for Junior’s upcoming college semester.

New Jersey’s income tax form contains a large number of charitable funds for which taxpayers may receive deductions. They include Endangered Wildlife, Breast Cancer, Drug Abuse Education, Literary and World Trade Center Scholarship Funds among many others.

Fortunately there is no mention of a New Jersey favorite: Politicians Pocket Expansion Funds.

The tax book also contains a card a taxpayer can use if they want to become an organ or tissue donor. Organ donation is a very valuable service, because of the large numbers of people waiting for life-saving organ transplants.

The IRS always seems to forget that these donations only take effect upon the donor’s death. The arm and the leg the IRS requests by April 15th just tends to hurry that moment along.

If you cannot find the answer to these questions in the tax booklet’s instructions or online, you should call the IRS for assistance. You will not be charged for the call unless it requires more than three numbers to complete. Normal IRS hours of operation are Monday from 7:00 AM to 7:02 AM, local time.

If you owe the IRS money, please press one. If you are expecting a refund, please hang up and call again. Then please press 666. Your operator will be the person with the Darth Vader voice. And remember, at the IRS, customers are our number one asset.

Whether you realize it or not, the taxpayers do have a Bill of Rights. The IRS must respond to taxpayers’ questions within a reasonable time period. That time period is generally the twenty year prison sentence you are serving while you are on hold.

Also, notices of taxes and penalties due must clearly identify the purpose of the notice and must contain information about appeal procedures. And the IRS is required to immunize the pack of wild dogs they unleash upon you to collect said penalties.

These taxpayers can stimulate the economy on their own. Most taxpayers have the creativity to elaborate on their tax returns and submit them to a publishing company. Your local bookstore contains extensive mystery and fantasy sections. The wildest ideas which are submitted to receive a large tax refund will make any new James Frey release pale in comparison.

I would like to have a stimulus rebate check in the form of the millions of dollars spent to send a notice to taxpayers that they are getting a stimulus rebate check. Most citizens who happen to own a television are aware that they are getting this money. And they just spent it on last month’s rent check.

The real way to stimulate the economy is to have the “factors involved” benefit the common workers.

The majority of taxpayers don’t find their incomes stimulated because they are in the wrong line of work. Their hardship cases are not as important as those posed by the oil companies. They say the profit margins they have seen do not account for the other “factors involved” in the oil business.

The real factors involved include your take home pay divided by the cost of living. And the fractions keep coming up negative.

I knew there was a reason I never liked math. Or the IRS, for that matter.

Bob H

Woman crashes into water, saves coffee

OAKLAND, Calif. - A woman is safe after losing control of her car and accidently driving into the waters of the Oakland Estuary. But on the upside, she saved her morning coffee.

Authorities say the car went into the water a little after 6 a.m. Thursday after its 22-year-old driver apparently lost control of her car while reaching for a cell phone.

After the car became lodged in stilts under a home on the water, the driver was able to get out of the car and make it back to shore.

Onlookers say she came ashore still cradling her coffee cup.

Bob H