It's that time of year again. And people are always going to ask, aren't they? "Are you going anywhere on vacation this year?" Of course they just got back from spending two weeks in Hawaii, while the last time you had any time away from work your high point was that Hawaii-Five 0 marathon you watched all weekend on TV Land.

Well, this year it's going to be different. You've gotten that itch to travel. I know it was either that or poison ivy. You want to explore some foreign territories, this time besides the ones in the back of your refrigerator.

Yes, this time you really want to get back to nature. Upon further investigation you learn that nature is located outside, which would involve you getting off of the couch. But you don't let that discourage you.

You remember that the nearest vacation spot to you which you can visit is your local service station. All of them host the newest U. S. tradition, the Running of the Bulls**t. Wealthier people than you can still find plenty of prime vacation property available in the pockets of the big oil companies.

Leaving all of that bitterness aside, you decide that what you need is to bring everyone together for a pleasant outing which will be thoroughly enriching, mentally stimulating, and fun for the entire family. As long as it doesn't cost more than $6.50.

Actually, you can find fascinating vacation spots or tourist attractions which won't implode your life savings all across the U.S. And these spots are not likely to be as crowded as those "trendy" vacation sites that all of the "wealthy" people visit. Granted, they are usually less busy for a good reason.

That's not going to stop you now. In the South Jersey area like myself, you may want to make that extensive twenty minute journey into Philadelphia to visit a market where you can buy exotic chocolate.

Chocolate by Mueller is not your standard chocolate retailer. Yes, they do have chocolate gifts for every occasion. But the chocolate heart you buy for Valentine's Day tends to take on a new meaning when you give your true love the anatomically correct chocolate heart, available for $11.95.

Also available are chocolate brains, lungs, lab rats, dentures, and onions. For those people whose hearing isn't as sharp as it used to be, they can send the one they love the chocolate gift of a dozen noses.

Such tasty souvenirs are always nice, but you're a person who enjoys activity, and the thrill of exciting interstate athletic competition. Since we couldn't find any of that, what better event is there to attend than the Interstate Mullet Toss, an annual festival which takes place in Pensacola, Florida.

Don't worry, incredible brute strength is not necessary here, because you won't be throwing around a guy with a bad haircut. A mullet is a one pound dead fish which is thrown from a ten foot circle in Florida across the state line into Alabama.

After each tosser throws their fish, he must retrieve it and return it to a water bucket. The record for a mullet toss to this point is 159 feet. This popular event attracts a lot of local celebrities and all age groups, and has an extremely strong fan base among hungry seagulls.

Speaking of hungry, every September the residents of Mission Mountain Montana hold a festival to celebrate one of their favorite hometown meals. For devotees of exotic gourmet foods, you may, or may not, want to attend the Mission Mountain Testicle Festival.

The festival features live music, bullchip throwing contests, a rodeo, and strangely enough, considerable amounts of alcohol.

But residents are merely enjoying a peaceful celebration of their Mission Mountain Oyster Organ treats. And they will be the first people to tell you that the bull's testicle is made up of more than seventy percent protein.

An exhibit which can be found in Alexandria, IN is no bull either. This town's claim to fame began with a regular one pound baseball. A house painter named Mike Carmichael decided to paint this ball one day. And he's been painting it for twenty-nine years since using over 17,300 coats of paint, creating the World's Largest Ball of Paint.

Mike has painted this ball in twenty different colors, with blue being the most common with 2,029 layers. Mike graciously accepts e-mail requests to have a layer painted in your honor.

Actually, prior to this paint ball, the town's sewer system once coughed up a two hundred pound hairball, and promoted it as one of the world's largest.

So the legend continues. Alexandria: a town with balls.

But you may prefer something a bit more cultural in your vacation outing. Being an aficionado of the arts, you can share your art experience with your whole family at Barney Smith's Toilet Seat Art Museum in San Antonio, Texas.

Mr. Smith has painted theme toilet seats in his spare time for thirty-two years. He uses damaged seats from plumbing supply houses along with discounted seats for his craft.

When he opens the stall...err...garage doors to show his displays, visitors will see a piece of the Berlin Wall, volcanic ash from Mt. St. Helens, arrowheads, casket handles, and much more on their toilets. The stall is always open, as Smith has entertained visitors from forty-four countries.

All this activity has made us rather tired, and we want to return to South Jersey. But we should look no further than Ocean City for one final stop. Las Vegas may have gotten her claws in Miss America, but they l haven't sunk them into the Miss Crustacean Hermit Crab Beauty Pageant yet.

The competition becomes thirty-one years old in August 2006. Crabophiles of all ages swarm Ocean City to compete for the not all that highly coveted Cucumber Rind Cup. Next top crab models have elegantly displayed Crabzilla and Cleopatra Crab costumes in past years, so be prepared for anything, as long as they can keep the bright lights of Las Vegas away.

Upon returning home you realize that a good time was had by all, despite the fact that you spent more money on gasoline than on the entire trip itself. You come home happy and healthy, and no one fell out of any palm trees.

This time you return with vacation memories which should stay with you for the rest of your life. These memories will drive you to go away again next year. Hopefully before that time you will be fortunate enough to have a friend who will hit you sharply in the head with a blunt object.

Bob H

"I go from stool to stool in singles bars hoping to get lucky, but there's never any gum under any of them."- Emo Phillips

"I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything specifically."-Stephen Wright

"You can only be young once but you can be immature forever."-Dave Barry

"Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac."-George Carlin

"Only the good die young, but pricks live FOREVER!" -Lewis Black

"Some people say that I must be a terrible person, but it?s not true. I have the heart of a young boy. I keep it in a jar on my desk" -Stephen King

"Not only is life a bitch, it has puppies."-
Adrienne Gusoff

I know a man who gave up smoking, drinking, sex, and rich food. He was healthy right up to the day he killed himself.-
Johnny Carson

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.-
Mitch Hedberg

If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.-
Robin Williams

Fall is my favorite season in Los Angeles, watching the birds change color and fall from the trees.-David Letterman

Probably the worst time in a person's life is when they have to kill a family member because they are the devil. But otherwise it's been a pretty good day.-
Emo Philips

?If God had wanted us to vote, he would have given us candidates?-Jay Leno

I bought a dog the other day...I named him Stay. It's fun to call him...'Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!' He went insane. Now he just ignores me and keeps typing. He's an East German Shepherd.-Steven Wright

* I'm so ugly...My mother had morning sickness....... AFTER I was born.- Rodney Dangerfield

You know, a lot of girls go out with me just to further their careers...damn anthropologists.-Emo Phillips

Bob H

I've always been a big fan of the news. But I prefer the ones which have been somewhat overlooked, or "fallen through the cracks" as Lewis Black would say. I haven't been too good at Five Friday Fun Facts, but here are five of my favorite news stories of the past week. First, in alternative energy news which I can fully support:

Chocolate Generates Electrical Power

Willy Wonka could have powered his Great Glass Elevator on hydrogen produced from his chocolate factory.

Microbiologist Lynne Mackaskie and her colleagues at the University of Birmingham in the UK have powered a fuel cell by feeding sugar-loving bacteria chocolate-factory waste. "We wanted to see if we tipped chocolate into one end, could we get electricity out at the other?" she says.

The team fed Escherichia coli bacteria diluted caramel and nougat waste. The bacteria consumed the sugar and produced hydrogen, which they make with the enzyme hydrogenase, and organic acids. The researchers then used this hydrogen to power a fuel cell, which generated enough electricity to drive a small fan.

Naked Woman Stops Downtown Traffic

A woman stripped naked and sprinted into Downtown traffic Thursday morning after trying to shoplift a bag of peanuts from the Smithfield News, police said.

The incident apparently began at the Greyhound Bus station on Second Avenue, Downtown, just before 8 a.m. when the woman spit on someone and two other women tried to restrain her, partially ripping off her shirt in the process.

The woman, whose name was not released, then walked toward the Allegheny County Jail, where someone spotted her and called police. By the time officers arrived, the woman was at the Smithfield News, which she entered while waving a hubcap in the air, said clerk Diana Jackson.

"She was acting really weird and she tried to steal some peanuts so we asked her to leave, but she kept coming back in," Jackson said.

Finally, the woman walked outside, removed all her clothes and dashed into traffic on the Boulevard of the Allies, startling motorists.

"Traffic was completely stopped and everyone was just staring at her," Jackson said. "I've never seen anything like that."

The woman ran off before police arrived, but was caught in Market Square, Jackson said.

The woman was admitted to the Western Psychiatric Hospital, said Pittsburgh police spokeswoman Tammy Ewin.

The Big Cheese? Flint's Guinness Record Not So Notable

FLINT - Something stinks.

The record books say Flint is home to the sixth largest piece of cheese ever made.

Then why is the history of this cheddar so full of holes?

No one it seems remembers the accomplishment or where the 10,615-pound block of cheese ended up. That's especially heartbreaking since the 50th anniversary of the feat is approaching.

The 1960, 1961 and 1962 editions of Guinness Book of World Records says "the largest cheese ever made was a cheddar of 5 tons 615 pounds from the pooling of milk of 6,600 cows owned by 367 farmers in Flint, Michigan, in January of 1957."

According to the 2003 edition of "Top 10 of Everything," the Flint cheese now ranks as the sixth biggest in history. Like any good tall tale, the size of the cheese had increased over the years; the "Top 10" listing had it at 11,815 pounds (maybe it grew moldy).

Clearly, though, this wondrous mass of soured milk curds hasn't gotten the respect it deserves. Some wonder if it happened at all.

An extensive search of Flint Journal archives and other records kept by the Flint Public Library, Library of Michigan and even the Michigan Milk Producers Association couldn't fill in the holes of this story.

Still, there it is, right in Guinness.

The local cheese is listed in the book as the record holder for the first three years of the 1960s. That was before some folks in Wisconsin (you know, the cheese heads) beat it in 1964. The Wisconsin Cheese Foundation made a 34,951-pound cheese that stayed in the record books for 24 years.

"The Top 10 of Everything" book repeated the cheese record from Guinness.

So, lots of questions still remain: If there's a shred of truth to this tale, where was the cheese on display and who moved the cheese? Did anyone eat it? Dare we ask, how did it taste? Maybe we'll never know.If it was a marketing ploy to help put Flint on the map it certainly didn't work.

Yes, New York City is the Big Apple, New Orleans is the Big Easy, but for some reason the name - "Flint, home of the Big Cheese" - never stuck.

Court Bars Man From Seeing Dog

MADRID (Reuters) - A Spanish court has ruled that dogs should not be treated like children with allocated visiting rights when it comes to divorce cases.

A Spanish man was originally given permission by his wife to visit Yako, a golden retriever, when they separated but he appealed to a lower court when she stopped him from seeing the dog. The court ruled in his favor and set up visiting hours.

But the provincial court of Barcelona then overturned that decision, saying it set a precedent for pets to be treated like children in divorce cases.

"This sort of litigation is rare, given that common sense and reason dictate that people should not take such cases to court," said court papers obtained by Reuters Friday.

Swearing Parrot Escapes The Chop In Israel

An Orthodox Jew was threatened with divorce after blowing several thousand dollars on a parrot that swore like a trooper, Israel's mass-circulation Yediot Aharonot said today.

After he brought his feathered friend home, the man's religious household in the Tel Aviv area was bombarded by insults such as "son of a bitch" and "homo" from the bird.

When its owner sought rabbinical advice, the rabbi recommended that the parrot be slaughtered - or have its tongue cut out for being foul-mouthed.

But the horrified pet owner's wife threatened divorce if the bird went for the chop, and the parrot finally found refuge in a zoo.

We're going to try to end this on an up note here.

Man Frees Puppy From Gator's Grip
Puppy Treated For Cuts, Puncture Wounds

CORAL SPRINGS, Fla. -- The phrase "you lucky dog" took on new meaning in Coral Springs, Fla.

Jasmine, a 6-month-old golden retriever, was on a morning run with her owner, Michael Rubin. The dog ran ahead to the edge of a pond, where it met up with a hungry alligator.

Rubin heard the dog cry. When he went to check on her, he saw the puppy's head inside an alligator's mouth.

The intrepid Rubin jumped right into the water and started beating the gator with his fist. The reptile refused to let go and started rolling in the water with the dog still in its mouth.

Rubin estimated the gator was about 7-feet long.

He eventually pried the dog loose.

"I thought she was dead," Rubin told the South Florida Sun-Sentinel. "But at that point I wasn't going to let him have my dog."

At a local animal hospital, Jasmine was treated for cuts and puncture wounds.

He said the puppy is back home and doing fine.

Bob H

We're just at the beginning of the summer concert season. Recently Belle posted a music quiz, and Lucy has been busy loading up the Summertime CDs. In going through the show listings, when I spotted Cheap Trick, The New Cars, Blondie, and Earth, Wind and Fire I thought I had somehow wandered off into 1977. I may have been relevant then, but my memory isn't what it used to be.

But although I've been 31 years old for over twenty years now, I still have the desire to get out there with the grandkids and "kick up my heels" on occasion, hopefully without my back locking up.

Well, imagine my surprise to see that the concert scene is dominated by a number of these 70s acts from my generation.

Yeah, I'm talking about my generation. People try to put us down, just because our dentures give us speech impediments. But that has not stopped these 70s artists from trying to tell the world that their message is still hip, despite the numerous hip replacement surgeries that have taken place in their bands.

Concert promoters have brought together acts like the James Gang, Bruce Springsteen, Paul Simon and Steely Dan for appearances in this area. Last year they even brought back Lollapalooza, which featured acts like a new version of Jane's Addiction and Queens of the Stone Age, not to be confused with the ongoing Rolling Stones tour.

Most younger fans don't understand 70's music. Many of them use it as cell phone ringers. You see, we're well aware that we are not Grandmasters, but we're not all grandparents.

And the kids nowadays think of the Beach Boys as those old guys they saw patrolling the Wildwood beaches with their metal detectors. Granted, sixty-year old men should not be singing songs like "In My Room" anymore, unless they're referring to the particular ward in the home they may have wandered away from.

I've been paying attention to the music scene since many of these bands arrived, some dating back to the mid sixties. I knew immediately that they had something important to say, because they named themselves Strawberry Alarm Clock, Daddy Dewdrop, and the 1910 Fruitgum Company.
Established stars like the Beatles broke down the complexities of a relationship with the deep, heartfelt lyric, "I don't know why you say goodbye, I say hello." And the band Steam eloquently continued, "Na na na na, hey hey-ey, goodbye." Actually, considering the events of the original Woodstock, casual observers might have somehow gotten the idea that people were using pharmaceuticals a mite stronger than Advil.

Of course, times changed and musical tastes continued to evolve.
And mosh pits continue to abound, consisting of rebellious youngsters performing pile drivers, figure-four leg locks, and other Texas Death Match wrestling maneuvers on each other.

But through it all, classic rock artists have survived. And when I say classic, I am by no means referring to classical. As long as people have tried to put my generation down, the worst insult came when they turned Stairway to Heaven by Led Zeppelin into elevator music.

That was just another way of radio telling us that we couldn't rock anymore. After we turned up our hearing aids, we answered that we hate easy listening music. Time may not be on our side anymore, but we know there's no such thing as "soft" rock. Many classic rock fans have long held the desire to hear some kind of evil elevator shaft music station, featuring songs like Slow Ride by Foghat and Enter Sandman by Metallica in their dentist's office.

So I'm grateful to see that 70s music has a message which is still considered relevant, important, and not necessarily incontinent. I mean, today we've just gotten word that Paris Hilton plans to release a hip hop album. We are very near the end of civilization, but I do look forward to the videos.

Yes, we older folks are continuing to prove that we can still "Boogie Oogie Oogie" till we just can't boogie no more. All right, sometimes the message comes out garbled. But right now my strawberry alarm clock says that my generation has been up after 11 PM, so it needs some Ben-Gay and a nap. Good night.

Bob H

Iran just closed one of its newspapers due to the publication of a controversial cartoon. And there have been riots across Europe due to cartoons published in Denmark late last year.With all due respect to anyone's particular religion, I used to enjoy cartoons more when they were supposed to be funny.

Yes there used to be a time when we read cartoons hoping to get a laugh. All right, with the possible exception of Sally Forth, Nancy, and the current Garfield. Well, in the interest of respect for all concerned, we wanted to get back to the drawing board, so to speak, to get some answers. And thanks to the Freedom of Information Act and President Bush's domestic surveillance program, we were able to find out exactly what kind of intentions some of these cartoon characters had.

First, we were able to pull the CIA file of the Bullwinkle Show's top villain, Boris Badenov. Badenov, also known as The World's Greatest No-Goodnik, was born and lowered in Pottsylvania, and graduated magna cum lousy from USC (The University of Safe Cracking), where he majored in bomb throwing.

Little has been heard of Badenov since the end of the Cold War and he has gone into virtual seclusion. He is not considered a threat to our homeland security. We learned that he spends his spare time working on his Fireside Crook Book with his live-in companion, Natasha Fatale. When he was reached for comment, Badenov only replied, "Sharrup you mouth!"

Elsewhere, around the mid 1990s a pair of genetically engineered cartoon mice known as Pinky and the Brain began making a lot of noise at the ACME laboratory. This, of course, was the same firm which supplied many faulty devices to another cartoon super genius, Wile E. Coyote. We intercepted tapes of one of their lab sessions from 1998:

PINKY: What are we going to do tonight, Brain?

BRAIN: The same thing we do every night, Pinky. Try to take over the world.

Putting two and two together, we considered these two a threat to homeland security. Since we haven't heard from Pinky or the Brain for some time, we contacted the ACME laboratory to learn what they were doing these days. We found out that the Brain was semi-retired.

ME: Brain, I was concerned about your past activities because the United States has had a lot of homeland security issues in recent years.

BRAIN: Very interesting. Are you pondering what I'm pondering?

ME: I think so Brain, but we'll never be able to get a trampoline and the Rockettes over here at this hour.

PINKY: Narf!

So the first cartoon characters we contacted appear to have learned their lesson. Although the signs appeared to be good about the intentions of most cartoon characters, we couldn't quite feel satisfied without getting comments from one of the veterans of cartoondom's golden age when cartoons used to be for fun. After considering another one of the top recent news headlines, we contacted Warner Brothers own small game hunter, Elmer Fudd.

Fudd, believed to be 66, is wetired, I mean retired after contracting a severe case of rabbititus on his last hunting trip. We sat down with Fudd in the game room of his Victorian rancher in Florida for a brief discussion.

ME: Have you ever had any accidents similar to Vice-President Cheney's during your days as a hunter?

ELMER: Unwess you count Bugs Bunny tying my gun in a knot, no. And occasionawwy I would forget whether it was actuawwy wabbit season or duck season.

ME: But no incidents involving any other hunters?

ELMER: No. For some weason, no one else ever wanted to hunt with me. But I always fowwowed on cardinal wule to prevent accidents in the field during my days as a hunter.

ME: What was that?

ELMER: He doesn't have to shoot me now, he can shoot me when we get home.

ME: Do you think people should be treating this shooting as a political issue?
ELMER: Not at all. I weawwy weawwy wike it when Wepubwicans and wibewals awike can put their diffewences aside and use pwoper westwaint while using fiweawms.

ME: Finally Mr. Fudd, do you believe cartoon characters are promoting anyone's evil agenda these days?

ELMER: I think people should just weave us awone. We all need to show a wittle towewance. Now I have a question. Isn't Pat Wobertson, who just weg pwessed 2000 pounds, a cawtoon figure now?

ME: I think so.

ELMER: I knew thewe was a good weason I got out of the business.

Bob H