I hope everyone has a good weekend. Let's see how those of us at Headquarters forecast things to go for you:

 

Aries (March 21 - April 19) Tomorrow when you wake up, many small objects on the carpet will bring you to the alarming conclusion that you have a live rabbit in the house. Search though you may, however, you will be completely unable to find hide nor hare of it... Taurus (April 20 - May 20) You are about to invent a night light in the shape of a chess piece, which you will name the "Nighty Knight." You should be ashamed of yourself. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Good day to learn a new trick for dealing with people who come by your home to try to sell you something. Open the door v..e..r..y slowly, and squint at them. Then resume sharpening a large kitchen knife, while they are talking at you. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) A man with a mystical yet somehow tortured expression will stop you on the street, today, and ask you for a name brand of prepared mustard. If you carry a jar with you, and surprise him, you will make his life seem worthwhile. Leo (July 23 - August 22) You will have trouble with the telephone, in which, no matter what number you call, you reach "Mo's Leather Emporium." Don't take it lightly. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Your plans for a do-it-yourself replica medieval catapult will arrive today! Soon, your neighbors will become nervous (but you can explain that their fears are groundless -- you couldn't possibly hit anything that close with it). Libra (September 22 - October 22) Oh boy! Today you will find some cool shoes that you'd forgotten all about, in the back of your closet. Oddly, they no longer fit, and are at least 3 sizes too large. This may worry you. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Excellent day to pretend to have various infirmities. Pretending to have a hunchback is my personal favorite, and is often favorably combined with a drooling problem. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Excellent day to get involved in one or more conspiracies. If you can hold secret meetings in darkened rooms, so much the better! Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) You'll be feeling tired and discouraged today, but will be able to raise your spirits by pretending to be a cartoon character. ACME products may be featured, as well. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Today you will find a small speckled egg, shimmering a little, in the fireplace. If you keep it warm in a 350 degree oven for 3 weeks, it will hatch into a small dragon, and then eat you. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Good time to be logical and willing to admit error. This will amaze and confuse everyone, and some of them will be so flustered that they'll try it themselves. Just don't keep it up for too long - you might get "stuck" like that, and go through the rest of your life like some kind of freak!   Bob H

Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

Why is the third hand on the watch called a second hand?

Why isn't there a special name for the tops of your feet?

If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON stick to the pan?

Why is it considered necessary to nail down the lid of a coffin?

Why is it that rain drops but snow falls?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Why is the man who invests all your money, called a broker?

Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?

Why isn't there mouse flavored cat food? There is fish flavored!

Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?

Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darken our skin?

Why is it that to stop Windows, you have to click on "Start"?

If all is not lost, where is it?

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive?

Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?

Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime?

If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?

Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there?

You know how most packages say "Open here". What is the protocol if the package says, "Open somewhere else"? 

If a 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?

Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?

Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?

Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it's called cargo?

How did a fool and his money get together? 

How do they get a deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

Why is there an expiration date on my sour cream container?

What's another word for thesaurus?

What do they use to ship Styrofoam?

When you choke a smurf, what color does it turn? 

Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

Why do they call it a TV set when you only get one?

If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?

Can you be a closet claustrophobic?

Do hungry crows have ravenous appetites?

If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound? 

If the cops arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

If you're cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?

Why do people who know the least know it the loudest?

Is it possible to be totally partial?

When it rains, why don't sheep shrink?

Should vegetarians eat animal crackers?

How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

If Superman could stop bullets with his chest, why did he always duck when someone threw a gun at him?

Isn't Disney World a people trap run by a mouse?

Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it?

What's another word for synonym? 

Is reading in the bathroom considered Multi-Tasking?

Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery is dead?

Any other questions?

 

Bob H

 

1. "The Lion Sleeps Tonight"
2. "Baby Back Ribs" jingle from Chili's Restaurant
3. "Who Let the Dogs Out?"

Call it the playlist from hell. But the real No. 1 song that gets stuck in our heads is different for each of us, according to University of Cincinnati marketing professor James Kellaris. He's done so much research on this odd and annoying phenomenon that he has coined a term for it: earworm.

He told The Associated Press that earworm is unexpected and insidious. It might be the first song you hear on the clock radio that wakes you up. It could come from an elevator or the CD playing in the cubicle next to yours. "There are certain tunes that we would describe as catchy that are more likely to become one, but just about anything can become an earworm," he told AP. His personal earworm is Byzantine chants, which he suspects has something to do with his wife's job as a church choir director.

Stuck songs have these traits in common:

• They are relatively simple.
• They are repetitive.
• They contain an element that surprises the listener, such as an interrupted pattern or something that violates expectations of what comes next.
• The most common culprits are songs with lyrics.
• They stay stuck in our heads for a few hours on average.

There is no cure, but these treatments sometimes will work to rid your brain of the repetitive earworm:

• Don't worry about it. (If you take this advice, just don't listen to Bobby McFerrin's "Don't Worry, Be Happy" or you're sure to trade one stuck song for another.)
• Listen to different music.
• Distract yourself with another activity.
• Try singing the entire song--and not just the snippet that's stuck in your head--even if you can't quite remember all the lyrics.
• If that doesn't work, go find the forgotten lyrics. Kellaris theorizes earworm is the brain's attempt to resolve missing information. By finding out the complete lyrics to a song, you might be able to "unstick" it.
• Erase the offending song by singing the theme from "Gilligan's Island." (We have no idea why this would work, but if you're desperate...)
• There's even a folklore cure: Chew on cinnamon sticks.

Fun facts about earworm:

• Women experience more irritation and frustration than men do from earworms.
• People who are constantly exposed to music suffer from it more frequently.
• There may be a connection between earworms and a person's level of neurosis. (Uh oh.)

I don't know about those three songs, but if all else fails just remember: Head On: Apply directly to the forehead. Repeat. Repeat.

Bob H

I've had a lot on my mind lately. And according to the looks of today's headlines, America has an awful lot on its collective minds. Like the chances of Britney Spears' child carpooling with Mel Gibson, whether Britney, Madonna, Denise, and/or Heather will still remain friends, or whether or not Ann Coulter will travel to Namibia to deliver her demon spawn from Satan. No wonder so much of the country is stressed.

Well, thank goodness we have numerous media outlets which keep us informed about the latest exploits of our beloved celebrities. You have to realize, no one cares how your day was on your eight to five job unless you're good enough to make the lead story on Entertainment Tonight. Not even your wife. She's watching Oprah.

Middle class people don't equal ratings. Paris Hilton does. The middle class has nothing to say that anyone in the proper demographic wants to hear. Well, neither does Paris, but that is not the point. She equals ratings.

But when you're in the middle of a profound discussion about the wisdom of Paris, other questions tend to get overlooked.

If the economy is doing so well, why do you never see anyone laughing all the way to the bank anymore? Did you EVER see anyone laugh all the way to the bank?

Since Bazooka Joe and his gum are being redesigned, when are they going to redesign the creepy guy in the Six Flags commercials?

Do we really need more American Idols, Top Models, Apprentices, or Big Brothers every year? Is there a shortage of these people?

Why does all of the weight that you gain go to certain spots(your stomach or butt), but when you exercise everyone tells you that you can't spot reduce?

When you take a woman to dinner and she says she doesn't want anything to eat but she'll just have some of your order, should you order two? (Actual answer: Yes, if your hungry. You may only get to eat one-third of your two orders.)

What in the blue hell is jumbo shrimp?

Where in the blue hell is the blue hell?

Why doesn't heavy cream weigh more?

Why do they call them three SQUARE meals a day?

Just what exactly is Gobstopper candy used to prevent? Old retired sailors?

Why are they called a "pair" of pants? Shouldn't there be two pair or one pant?

When someone cuts you off while they are entering a lane of traffic, why do they do so while driving slowly? Why?

Which song lyric is worse: "No one heard at all, not even the chair" or "Hello lamppost, whatcha knowing?" (Actual answer: "Really love your peaches, want to shake your tree.") Extra credit question: Define the "Pompetus of Love." Discuss.

When you reach a certain age and your hair turns gray and begins to fall out, why does it suddenly begin to sprout up in your nose and ears?

Why not repeat, rinse, and lather?

Didn't Michael Jackson used to be a singer?

Are fast food restaurants going to start serving their supersized drinks including life preservers?

When there are already more than enough shady politicians around, why do so many unelected ones show up in your workplace? If you don't know who they are, then it's you.

Why are single people told that they can meet other singles at the laundromat or supermarket when everyone knows they can't? If they do meet someone, how does one go about striking up an intelligent conversation between the avocados?

How did we survive in the 1970s without cell phones? (Actual answer: By using telegraph, two tin cans tied together with a string, and smoke signals.)

Since smoking is now outlawed in so many areas, will we soon see cell phone- no cell phone areas?

Why do you have to work your fingers to the bone to be able to afford a medical examination, but it still costs you an arm and a leg? And if you complain to your insurance company, who is making money hand over fist, why do you always get the cold shoulder?

Larry David, Anderson Cooper: Is the "first name, then last name" process for naming children really that hard to understand?

Is a Pat Robertson: Legs of Steel instructional video in our future? How much weight can Jerry Falwell bench press?

Snooze alarms: What's the point? To add jobs to the employment market after you get fired? Wouldn't they be more effective if you set them to wake you up four hours ahead of time?

Isn't soft rock an oxymoron? (Actual answer: Yes. There is no such thing.)

Why do gas prices go up and down, I'm told that it's my fault, but my driving habits never change? (I know. Actual answer: Because they can.)

Why do people waste other people's time by writing stupid columns which no one wants to read? Actual answer: A.) Check your local entertainment pages B.) Remember to have a profound discussion with Paris Hilton about it.