I had planned to write a tribute to labor in America on Monday, but instead I went to some anniversary party. After crawling away from the monitor of this %$#@!! computer at 5 AM, I was too lazy to write anything while recovering from that affair. Instead I'll list some of the best quotes from the laziest worker I know, Wally, from the comic strip Dilbert. There is much wisdom to be gained from cartoons:

 

"I'm in charge of office relocation. This is Wallyville. It's two floors of luxury housing, shopping, and gambling. It may seem like an abuse of power, but what other reason would there be to have power?" 

"This week I discovered that the demands for engineers exceeds the supply. I responded by incresing my insolence and decreasing my productivity. Equilibrium has been restored."

"To the untrained eye it might look as if I do no work. But inside my head is a raging sea of knowledge management and strategic thinking. Did you hear that gurgling sound?"

"Remember that when you reach for the stars they're too far away, so it's hopeless. Besides, if you could reach a star it would burn your hand clean off."     

"Have you ever noticed thar the things that don't kill you make you weaker?"

"Great minds don't think alike. If they did, the patent office would only have about fifty inventions."

"I started getting suspicious when I cried over spilt milk and the cashier took it off my bill."

"To balance my work with my personal life, I take the zen approach of having no friends and doing no work. Hence, perfect balance. I used to read, but it's faster to make up stuff."

 

Bob H

 

Top Ten Potential Katie Couric Signoffs

10. Do I look fat in this outfit?

9. Just what is the frequency, Kenneth?

8. Put down the damn remote. You wouldn't like me when I'm angry. 

7. I'll be back.

6. No more jibba jabba.

5. Nothing comes between me and my Calvins.

4. Head On- Apply directly to the forehead.

3. I said put down the remote. Do you feel lucky, punks?

2. T-t-th-th-th- that's all folks!

1. They're real, and they're spectacular.

  

Bob H

A few friends have given me the privilege of working at a local tribute to our fallen soldiers on Saturday, September 9. I realize that a lot, or perhaps all of you don't know these people and will be unable to attend this event. But I hope you'll read this in the spirit in which it is intended, and understand what we are trying to do. Thanks.

People who enter into military service come from all walks of life. Some of them come from off the streets, others are children who are barely out of high school, while many enlisted in search of finding some direction to their lives.

There is one thing that those forces serving in Iraq and Afghanistan all have in common. They are aware that anyone who sets foot in Iraq has a chance to die. But they go in anyway, moving forward at all times, and they are prepared to lay down their lives for duty and their country.

Because of this, the military requires that these soldiers make out wills, and they also leave behind letters, videos and mementos for their families.

The remaining family tries to steel themselves for the day when a government car makes a stop at their house, but they are never fully prepared. War robs parents of their children, it takes away husbands and fathers, and more increasingly wives and mothers. Suddenly a home faces a loss of love which can never be replaced.

The members of the Children of Fallen Soldiers Relief Fund, Inc. believe they can relieve some of the hardships on these surviving families. Their organization was formed in 2003 to honor our service men and women who have dedicated their lives to fighting for the freedom which our country has long enjoyed.

The CFRSF provides college grants to the surviving US military children who have lost a parent in the Iraq or Afghanistan wars.

Everyone knows that the two income family has become a way of life in the US these days so families can maintain a reasonable standard of living. When one of those incomes is lost, it often places an unbearable burden on the surviving family members.

It's hard enough when a parent has to tell a child that Mommy or Daddy won't ever be coming home again. Then later the child's own dreams of scholastic excellence may be shattered due to the loss of income from the deceased parent. Then the child's future forever changes.

First year applicants of the CFSRF have received over $44,000 in assistance. This money has provided financial aid to five families with eight children, and college awards to six surviving spouses and two surviving children.

Everyone has their own opinion about the war these days, but there's one thing on which just about all of us agree. We appreciate our fighting forces tremendously, because these men and women are a special breed. They are heroes and true patriots. And some artists from the South Jersey area are putting their own operation into action in order to express their gratitude.

They're calling it Operation Appreciate Freedom. On Saturday September 9th from 6 to 9 PM there will be a benefit for the Children of Fallen Soldiers Relief Fund on the patio of Emjays Cafe in Mullica Hill.

There will be a special ceremony to honor those from New Jersey who have given their lives in Afghanistan or Iraq. The benefit will also feature a book signing by Vietnam veteran John Campbell, who also wrote the book "They Were Ours", a tribute to the 43 people from Gloucester County who lost their lives in the Vietnam War.

Special events are being planned for the show, and there will be live music from South Jersey legends Dom, a singer/songwriter and hard folk artist along with the Essentials, who play only the finest in original rock music.

The CFSRF's goal is to make a difference in the lives of those families who have been denied a future with their loved ones. Their wish is to provide financial assistance and educational grants for the surviving family members, in order to honor the men and women who have made the ultimate sacrifice so we can continue to live our lives in freedom. More information about the Children of Fallen Soldiers Relief Fund can be found at www.cfsrf.org.

People from all walks of life seem to agree with their mission. Many of them from the South Jersey area will be coming to Emjays Cafe, which is located at 2 South Main Street in Mullica Hill. And maybe with enough help, many of these families will still have a chance to see a brighter future. Like the ones their sacrifices have allowed us to have.

 There's no reason to be surprised at this anymore but I always am. You may have seen a fat b*****d with a beard rollerblading down your nearest boardwalk recently.

 

Christmas elbows its way into summer

Already, visions of sugarplums.

 It's that special time of year again, when the first plush Santas, singing snowmen and blown-glass Christmas ornaments begin to appear on store shelves.

 You know. August.

 What, you find it hard to muster yuletide spirit when you're wearing a bathing suit?

 Well, too bad.

 At T.J. Maxx in Norristown, two-foot-tall Santa figurines are already watching over a clutch of silver stocking-hangers, wooden-soldier nutcrackers and glittery tabletop trees. A few doors down, at the Dollar Tree, Frosty snow globes wait near the cash registers, not far from a selection of red-and-green ornaments.

 At the Cracker Barrel Old Country Store in Plymouth Meeting, a full-size Christmas tree is up and shining. Below its boughs, a toy Santa blows a saxophone, though it's hard to hear his version of "Santa Claus Is Coming to Town" while a nearby mechanical snowman is crooning "Jingle Bells."

 "It's a retail mentality that you need to be first out of the gate, and people keep making the race longer and longer," said William Cody, managing director of the Baker Retailing Initiative at the University of Pennsylvania's Wharton School.

 Labor Day, Columbus Day and Halloween, much less Thanksgiving, are now mere speed bumps on the highway to Christmas, folded into the 115-day month of Septoctnocember.

 Researchers call it "Christmas creep." That's shorthand for the ever-backward march of the holiday retail season.

 "It burns me up," said Carter Lee, who is raising two daughters with her husband, Peter Maas, in Haddonfield. "It makes me want to go the other way. It makes me not want to buy anything."

 It's not that area malls are decked in garlands. If last year is a gauge, that won't happen until Nov. 1, followed three weeks later by the arrival of Santa and his crew. It's that Christmas accoutrements - so far, no Hanukkah goods have been spotted - are being set out while people are still slapping mosquitoes.

 Hallmark stores have offered ornaments for weeks - puppies peeking from woolen mittens and Eskimos fishing from ice floes. Some Hallmarks are displaying collectible Byers' Choice cloth-and-clay carolers.

 "It's over the top," said Claire Daniels, of Springfield, Delaware County. "I would never, ever, positively never buy a Christmas item in September or August. On principle."

 She spoke from Avalon, where people were on the beach enjoying their summer vacations.

 The pitch for other holidays comes early, too. Halloween candy has been in grocery stores for weeks, raising the question of why anyone would want to serve, much less eat, a three-month-old Snickers bar.

 But experts say the Christmas season starts earliest because it's crucial to retailers.

 In 2004, shopping malls took in $227.8 billion - 28 percent of their annual sales - in November and December, according to the International Council of Shopping Centers. If a retailer can boost its take by getting customers in the holiday mood earlier, it's worth it.

 The question is whether the jump start results in increased sales - in which case Rudolph may someday appear arm and arm with the Easter Bunny - or whether it only spreads the same dollars over a longer period. No one has a definitive answer.

 "To the extent that you, the retailer, are there, and your competitor isn't, you may grab a few extra dollars," said Stephen Hoch, chair of the marketing department at Wharton.

 The danger, he said, isn't just in turning off consumers, but in becoming a prisoner to that promotion. One way retail sales are measured is year against year. If going early brought in extra dollars last year, a store is almost forced to go out as early, or earlier, this year.

 Cracker Barrel put up Christmas displays on Aug. 1. Terry Maxwell, senior vice president of retail of the Tennessee-based restaurant-store chain, compared them to the previews before a movie, a way to offer "just a little hint of the coming season."

 He wouldn't disclose figures, but he said Cracker Barrel has found that having Christmas items out in summer generates additional purchases, not just early ones.

 "We're doing quite a bit better than what we anticipated," Maxwell said.

 Gary Sugarman, chief operating officer of Steve &Barry's University Sportswear, doesn't like stores to haul out the Christmas stock before November.

 It's a marketing crutch, he said, store managers thinking "people buy lots at Christmas, and I want to extend that as far as I can."

 His company, which operates 130 branches, including five in Pennsylvania and two in New Jersey, will begin transitioning to Christmas in early November, "so that by Black Friday we're speaking the vocabulary that everybody's ready to listen to."

 Analyst Stephanie Hoff, who follows big retailers such as Target, Wal-Mart and Macy's for the investment firm Edward Jones, said the economy has forced stores to speak up early.

 Last year Wal-Mart accelerated its start, to early November from late November, and other chains followed. They saw their lower-income customers being battered by rising gasoline prices and home-heating costs, Hoff said, and sought to "capture some spending" before folks were tapped out.

 This year those stores will probably do the same, she said. And others will, too.

 So what's that? You don't want to think about winter yet? You'd like to wait until the back-to-school sales are over?

 Sorry. Get out your parka and pass the eggnog. There are only 116 shopping days left until Christmas.

 

Bob H

Sometimes you just try things.

 

No. 1

Bob works hard and spends most evenings bowling or playing basketball at the gym. His wife thinks he is pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.

The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, Bob! How ya doin?" His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before. "Oh no," says Bob. "He's on my bowling team."

When they are seated, a waitress asks Bob if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser. His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, "How did she know that you drink Budweiser?" "She's in the Ladies' Bowling League,honey. We share lanes with them."

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Bob and starts to rub herself all over him and says,"Hi Bobbie. Want your usual table dance, big boy?" Bob's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.

Bob follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. Bob tries
desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it.

She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every four letter word in the book. The cabby turns around and says, "Geez Bob, you picked up a real bitch this time."

 

 

No. 2

One day an out of work mime is visiting the zoo and attempts to earn some money as a street performer. Unfortunately, as soon as he starts to draw a crowd, the zookeeper grabs him and drags him into his office. The zookeeper explains to the mime that the zoo's most popular attraction, a gorilla, has died suddenly. The keeper fears that attendance at the zoo will fall off. He offers the mime a job to dress up as the gorilla until they can get another one. The mime accepts.

So the next morning the mime puts on the gorilla suit and enters the cage before crowd comes. He discovers that it's a great job. He can sleep all he wants, play and make fun of people and he draws bigger crowds than he ever did as a mime. However, eventually the crowds tire of him and he gets bored just swinging on tires. He begins to notice that the people are paying more attention to the lion in the cage next to his. Not wanting to lose the attention of his audience, he climbs to the top of his cage, crawls across a partition, and dangles from the top to the lion's cage. Of course, this makes the lion furious, but the crowd loves it.

At the end of the day the zookeeper comes and gives the mime a raise for being such a good attraction as a gorilla. Well, this goes on for some time, the mime keeps taunting the lion, the crowds grow larger, and his salary keeps going up. Then one terrible day when he is dangling over the furious lion he slips and falls. The mime is terrified. The lion gathers itself and prepares to pounce. The mime is so scared that he begins to run round and round the cage with the lion close behind. Finally, the mime starts screaming and yelling, "Help, Help me!", but the lion is quick and pounces. The mime soon finds himself flat on his back looking up at the angry lion and the lion says, "Shut up you idiot! Do you want to get us both fired?"

 

Bob H