We live in a very different age.

 

Dear Mr. Kringle:

Let me first express my sincere appreciation for your long, arduous and selfless service to children around the world. That you are a genuine hero and a beloved global icon makes our current challenges all the more dismaying.

As you know, since our corporation acquired Christmas, we have sought to preserve this cherished cultural institution while making it more competitive in the global economy. As a world traveler, you don't need to be told that we are losing market share to holiday icons produced with cheap labor in China and India. Simultaneously, we must grapple with the Internet, which has scrambled the toy acquisition and distribution paradigm as more and more children find it (to quote from our recent survey) "inefficient" and "time-consuming" and "a little bit weird" to sit on your lap at the mall.

Thus we have been reviewing our entire holiday structure, top to bottom, inside and outside, North Pole to South. In so doing, we have turned up a number of troubling quality-control issues, none of which, I should note, is explicitly your fault, so far as our attorneys have determined to date. But please consider the following:

1) Jason Yagnebbler, 7, asked you on December 12, 2005, for, and this is a direct quote, "a Raytheon C-295 military transport plane." Our records indicate that you delivered to the residence of Master Yagnebbler a 12-inch plastic toy airplane at 1:05 a.m. on the subsequent December 25. But the young man explicitly wanted a real aircraft, full-scale and fully operational. He complained to his parents, who consulted their lawyers, which is why we are now facing protracted litigation. Our generous settlement offer -- of a functioning F-117 stealth fighter -- has been rejected by the family.

2) Shellie Scabworth, 4, asked for "Accountant Barbie," yet somehow received a Bratz doll dressed in thigh-high boots, hot pants and halter top. Again, the parents have sued, citing, and this is exact language from the court document, "irreversible psychic scarring from the very moment she opened the box with the whore-doll."

3) Lawrence Tweg, 3, appeared on the list of boys who had been good, even though a subsequent investigation showed that he is a chronic yanker of pigtails and a recidivist paste-eater.

4) Blitzen, the reindeer, failed a random drug test for the 17th consecutive year. Meanwhile, there are unconfirmed reports that Dasher and Prancer have taken their chummy relationship to a level that is more appropriate to San Francisco than to a highly conservative community such as the North Pole.

5) We have taken note of a widely circulated poem about your exploits, largely favorable, but with a troubling line: "He was dressed in all fur, from his head to his foot." We fear a PETA-led boycott.

6) Another line from the same poem: "The stump of a pipe he held tight in his teeth/And the smoke it encircled his head like a wreath." Obviously, we're not in the business of inspiring young people to take up a carcinogenic habit.

7) Chimney destruction rates show an alarming rise -- from 2,378 chimneys in 1977 to 38,991 chimneys in 1992 to an astonishing 4,127,645 chimneys in 2004 -- that can plausibly be attributed to your well-documented weight gain.

8) Recognizing that your gesture was well-meaning and big-hearted, we must note the failure of your effort earlier this month to resolve the Iraq civil war with an airdrop of candy canes, sugar cookies and Christmas cards. As we've told you before, that part of the world is not projected to be a growth area for the brand.

9) We had already been reeling from the "60 Minutes" expos? showing that you have, at times, resorted to using a fake beard, but we became quite alarmed by the more recent revelation, apparently also a surprise to you, that your mother is Jewish. Obviously a delicate matter.

10) It is becoming impossible to keep a lid on news coverage of the ongoing protests outside your workshop by elves who want you removed from your position because, as they put it, "He's not elf enough."

In sum, we have multiple problems that have prompted us to rethink our long-term holiday business model. Thus, we hereby make you a one-time buyout offer with generous benefits, a pension and a commemorative plaque thanking you for your work. We ask only that you sign a binding noncompetitive agreement.

Also, we keep the sleigh.

Merry Christmas,

E. Scrooge,

Chief Executive Officer, Christmas Inc.

 Here's an old Dave Barry classic which bears repeating:

 

'Twas the night before Christmas

Or Hanukkah or Kwanzaa or whatever religious holiday your particular family unit celebrates at this time of year via mass retail purchases

And all through the house

Not a creature was stirring

Except Dad, who was stirring his third martini in a losing effort to remain in a holiday mood as he attempted to assemble a toy for his 9-year-old son, Bobby

It was a highly complex toy

A toy that Dad did not even begin to grasp the purpose of

A toy that cost more than Dad's first car

A toy that was advertised relentlessly on TV with a little statement in the corner of the TV screen that said ``SOME ASSEMBLY REQUIRED''

Which was like saying that the Titanic sustained ``some water damage''

Because this toy had more parts than the Space Shuttle

And speaking of space, Dad was now convinced that extraterrestrial life did indeed exist

Because the assembly instructions were clearly written by beings from another galaxy

And these beings insisted on Phillips screwdrivers

And Dad could not find his Phillips screwdriver

In fact, he was wondering who ``Phillips'' was

And why he needed a different kind of screwdriver from everybody else

That was the festive holiday thought that Dad was thinking as he took a slug from his martini and attempted to attach Part 3047-b to Part 3047-c Using a steak knife

But other than that, not a creature was stirring in the house

Although Mom was definitely stirring OUT of the house

Mom was at the Toys ``R'' Us store

In fact, this was the fifth Toys ``R'' Us store that Mom had been to that night

In her desperate quest to find the one thing that their 5-year-old daughter, Suzy, wanted this holiday season

It was, of course, a Barbie doll

But not just ANY Barbie doll

It had to be the new model Abdominals Barbie

The one who came with her own little pink stomach-muscle-exercise device

It was the hottest Barbie doll of all this holiday season

Every girl age 3 through 12 in the entire United States HAD to have it

Or her holiday season would be RUINED

And so of course the Mattel Corporation

Which is run by evil trolls from hell

Had manufactured exactly eight units of this doll

And the very last one in the world was in this particular Toys ``R'' Us

Which means that the odds were against Mom Because on this same festive night thousands of other frantic parents had converged on this same store

Kind of like the flesh-eating zombies in the movie Night of the Living Dead

Only less ethical

The store was a war zone

Mom had to fight her way into the doll aisle

Where, wielding a Tonka Truck like a club She claimed her prize

And then, trailed by a screaming mob of rival parents

She raced from the store, leaped into her car and roared out of the parking lot

Barely missing the Salvation Army person

She raced back to the house, burst through the front door and staggered into the family room

Where she found Dad

Actually she found Dad's feet

The rest of Dad was under the sofa

A strange gurgling sound was coming from down there

Dad, now on his fifth martini

Was trying to strangle the dog

Which, Dad was convinced, had eaten Part 8675-y

And just at that very moment

Out on the lawn there arose such a clatter

That Dad let go of the dog

And he and Mom went to the window to see what was the matter

And what to their wondering eyes should appear

But Santa Claus, yelling the names of reindeer

"Now Dasher! Now, Dancer! Now, Vixen! Now . . . Umm . . . Now . . . Dancer!''

"He already said Dancer,'' observed Dad

"He can't remember them all,'' said Mom

"I think one of them is Pluto,'' said Dad

"Wasn't Pluto the guy who was always fighting with Popeye?'' said Mom

"You're thinking of Bluto,'' said Dad

"Now . . . Umm . . . Now Flicka!'' said Santa

"Flicka was a horse, that I DO know,'' said Mom

"Do you think the reindeer are wrecking the lawn?'' said Dad

"They're going up on the roof,'' said Mom

"Like hell they are,'' said Dad, who had recently spent $875 on shingle repair

But before he could yell at St. Nicholas to stop Down the chimney the jolly elf came with a plop

He had a broad face and a round little belly

That shook when he laughed like a bowlful of jelly

Which was pretty gross

"What's so funny?'' asked Dad

"You two,'' said St. Nick. "Why are you getting all upset about toys? The holiday season isn't about material possessions!''

"Do you have kids?'' asked Mom

"Well, no,'' said Santa

"Hah,'' said Mom

"But I am beloved by children the world over,'' said Santa

"Well,'' said Dad, "you won't be beloved by our son if I can't assemble this toy''

�What seems to be the problem?'' said Santa, coming over to have a look

"I'm stuck on Step 824,'' said Dad

"Who wrote these instructions?'' asked Santa. "Martians?''

"Apparently,'' said Dad

"I used to be pretty good with tools,'' said Santa. "Hand me that steak knife''

"Sure,'' said Dad. "Care for a martini?''

"Heck yes,'' said Santa

And so he went to work

And after a while Mom and Dad, exhausted, went to bed

Leaving old St. Nick in the family room

He said some pretty unsaintly words

But he eventually got Bobby's toy assembled

And although he spent so much time that he was unable to visit the rest of the little boys and girls in North America

Not to mention South America, Europe, Asia and Africa

This particular household had a very happy Christmas morning indeed

When Suzy came downstairs and saw Abdominals Barbie

And Bobby came downstairs and saw his incredibly complex toy

Which he broke in under four minutes

A new holiday record

But it was still a festive day

Especially when Mom and Dad told the fantastic story of their late-night visitor

Which, at first, the kids did not believe

In fact, even Mom and Dad were not 100 percent sure it had happened

Until Dad got out the ladder

And one by one they climbed up to the roof And there they saw it . . .

As real as life . . .

A Holiday Miracle . . .

Reindeer poop.

(And $1,097.36 worth of shingle damage.)

Bob H

 

 

Judging from the holiday decorations which are popping up all over, the Christmas lights now illuminating your neighborhood, Christmas music in the air right after Halloween, the fourteen mile backup at your local mall, and the people scalping primo $100 parking spaces at the front of that mall when you finally do get there, it's evident that the holiday shopping season is well underway.

But the holidays have been different in recent years, boys and girls. Using the term "holiday" shopping season is one of the differences.

Santa Claus Inc. is now a colossal, year-round enterprise. Santa currently has a headquarters in Los Angeles and New York. The LA version of Santa has had numerous Botox treatments due to being two thousand years old. And he is never photographed without sunglasses, because of media speculation on the reasons for his red nose.

In New York, Santa has had a bit more trouble getting his empire off the ground due to the difficulty in finding three wise men to run marketing and development. Claus can generally be reached by appointment only through his website, www.trumpclaus.com where he is still accepting gift orders until December 21.

Don't be surprised to see Donald Trump's name in the website listing. He bankrolled Claus in 2003 when Santa was forced to declare bankruptcy due to media backlash he received after making off-color ethnic remarks to reindeer Blitzen.

Anyway, Santa Claus has always needed help in the art of gift giving. Everyone but him seems to realize that there are only six Playstation 3s available in the known universe, and they all have to be shared and regifted among all of the planet's children.

That's where we come in here at Gift Guide Headquarters. Again this year we have compiled a list of gifts that no one could ever live without, as long as they had just entered rehab due to prolonged use of controlled substances.

The items we have listed are guaranteed to thrill, amuse, and bring severe intestinal discomfort to those truly special people on your gift list. Our quality control department has tested these products to meet our strictest of standards at Headquarters: the designing companies agree not to sue us.

So let's get started. This year we'll begin with an item which should prove to be very useful around holiday time. If you plan to be doing any holiday entertaining which may happen to involve the ingestion of choice beverages with names similar to Amstel, you'll want to make sure your guests are served properly and don't wind up down under the table. But good old Uncle Earl always seems to go that extra mile every year because be has that special relationship with the porcelain bus.

The best way to control him is to purchase the gift from Down Under, the Kangaroo Paw Bottle Opener from www.ozstrain.com for $28.95.

This genuine product has been harvested and processed in accordance with Australian rules and regulations. Kangaroos may be subject to Australian government protection, but your holiday guests will be protected from becoming thirsty when you break out the Kangaroo Paw Bottle Opener. Accessories to furnish the spare room for Uncle Earl may be purchased elsewhere.

Overindulgences from such people can be prevented if you keep enough snacks around to encourage guests to eat a little more. Better yet, have them eat a whole lot more with the Great Big Hamburger from www.greatbigstuff.com.

Actually, you can't eat the Great Big Hamburger. But this is no weenie, Jack. It is fifteen inches high and one foot wide, which is nearly as large as the average burger today.

This resin burger contains rippled lettuce and juicy tomato slices which appear to be garden fresh. Its burger meat looks cooked to artery-clogging perfection.

You'll make a Whopper of an impression on Uncle Earl when you show him the Great Big Hamburger, available for $64.

As long as your in-laws are spending time with you over the holidays, it's only fitting that you find room for another fearsome predator who even the children will enjoy. Let that be the Remote Control Shark from www.aquatech.com for a mere $149.95.

This full function remote controlled eating machine moves up and down, left and right, and forward and backward. He is over two feet long, and he simulates all the life-like, fast swimming action of your father in law in front of the dinner table.

The radio controller is water resistant, and can be used in and out of the water. Jaws will drop all over your house when the kids show off their new Remote Controlled Shark.

Of course, maybe your child isn't like all the other kids. He may require his own special toy. That toy just might be the Avenging Unicorn Play Set from www.stupid.com for $11.99.

The Avenging Unicorn Play Set comes complete with everything you need to harness the power of the unicorn to rid your life of its obstacles. You just pose the unicorn on a flat surface and impale one of three tall, soft vinyl figures. They include the businessman or boss, a new age lady, and of course, a mime.

You'll have hours of fun with the Avenging Unicorn Play Set. Be sure and let the children play with it too.

The kids will need their gifts, because you'll be busy spending all of your time with the gift that keeps on giving from www.skymall.com. That would be the upside down tomato garden, available for $69.95.

This planter takes the toil out of tomatoes by elevating the planting bed so vines grow downward. Hanging vines will ripen in the air where they won't rot.

There's always room for complementary plants like basil and your favorite wild parsley to be planted on the top also.

But a lot of people don't like gifts you have to purchase from reading a magazine that you would only be looking at in an airplane. So they wrote their own catalog book of items which you can't actually buy, but most of us really need. The book is called Sky Maul by Kasper Hauser, available at www.amazon.com for $14.95.

This book contains such useful items as the Pepper Self-Spray, the DaVinci Code Decoder Ring, the Adultery Detector, and the Reality Canceling Headphones.  

This week's featured product is the Cow Charger, for those mornings when it's cold and your cow won't get up. But don't forget the Crack Pipe Chess Set and the Llamacycles. I need these items badly.

But do you spend too much time stressed because of things like these you might need? Other people have felt that kind of stress in recent years. Like CEOs. CEOs of Enron in particular.

These masters of fuzzy math raked in millions, and put their name on a $300 million stadium, Enron Field. But certain investors didn't care for their mathematics, and their accounting scam was finally revealed.

All that remained in Enron Field was our next item. That is the Squeezy Enron Stress Balls from www.stupid.com.

Squeeze the tension away with these foamy Enron Stress Balls. Pay tribute to Kenny Boy and contribute to corporate excess for only $3.99.

Perhaps you'd prefer to arrange your own corporate scam...err...project. Here at Headquarters we are always on top of current trends. And we have determined that the next big thing in the communications field is the Zuse toaster from www.scifi.com for $50.

This toaster allows you to burn custom images right into your toast. Text messaging has already become outdated, so make way for toast messaging. Or you can create your very own Elvis or Baby Jesus image which you've always wanted for years. To sell on E-bay.

The possibilities know no boundaries. With the Zuse toaster you can burn your toast and eat it too.

But it's hard to think of Christmas gift giving without turning to those in need. Like the poor, and those people who are currently out of work. One of those unemployed people is featured as the Donald Rumsfeld twelve inch action figure doll from www.talkingpresidents.com.

For $29.95, you can hear Rummy say 28 different phrases when you press his buttons, kind of like the media. The sayings include, "I believe what I said yesterday...", "The only choice one has is to proceed...", "is not a question I can answer...", and "Oh, it was your rhetoric that made us do it."

Have hours of fun playing with the Donald Rumsfeld action figure. He doesn't know what he said, but he knows what he thinks. He assumes that's what he said.

Mr. Rumsfeld may have highly approved of our next item. It's the BunkerBound USB Missile Launcher from www.crowdstorm.com.

This Missile Launcher is perfect when the work is piling up on your desk because your lazy co-workers are busy taking extended breaks. If you don't like your boss or your other fellow employees, try this handy office weapon of mass destruction for $54.99.

Our next item is purely for your own recreational use. And actually it is still being perfected by its inventors. But you won't get a better investment than the Sky Yacht Aircraft Inc. Personal Blimp from www.personalblimp.com.

The Personal Blimp is not the best way to beat rush hour traffic, but it is an efficient and successful skyrider. And it doesn't need to be stored in some expensive hangar when not in flight like those weasels from Goodyear.

Houston will have no problems at all when you take off in your own Personal Blimp.

Of course, you'll need to be on time for your impending takeoff. You'll never oversleep with your own Flying Alarm Clock from www.newlaunches.com.

The Flying Alarm Clock takes off and flies around the room, making a really annoying noise like a mosquito. The only way to shut it up is to wake up and catch the damn thing, then put it back on its base.

If you hit the snooze button and don't wake up, the Flying Alarm Clock will take off until it runs out of power and may fall on you. You'll wake up on time every morning when you raid your wallet for $35 to own the Flying Alarm Clock.

This of course, is another example in people's lives due to advancements in technology. One more is the widespread use of the cell phone. Our next gift takes that usage one step further.

Everyone has that special person on their gift list who is waiting for their Mothership to come calling. Well, you can help them find it with the Cell Phone Charm That Detects UFOs from www.neatorama.com.

This charm works in two modes: in the automatic mode it monitors your area 24/7, and in the manual mode you just press the big button and this UFO detector will tell you if there is a UFO anywhere near you.

You can finally come out of the closet as the space alien you really are, sent to Earth in search of the Holy Grail , with this special charm for $18.

And nothing says Christmas like the spirit of giving to folks like that who have beamed onto your gift list. They've earned their position there because of their character, who they are, and what they mean to you. But you never know.

You can be sure when you buy a loved one the De-FIB-ulator, Truth/Lie Probability Detector from www.scientificsonline.com.

The DeFIBulators use voice tension technology to measure varying degrees of vibration in the voice. The vibrations are caused by the user going from a state of calm into nervousness which is caused by lying. The DeFIBulator has been shown to have a 65% accuracy rate.

To train the DeFIBulator to the human voice, you ask your subject three yes or no questions and record their voice. Then ask the real questions and watch in glee as your victim turns into Satan. No lie, from now on you'll have the best Christmas ever because you will always keep track of the silverware at family parties with the DeFIBulator for $39.95

 And you too can have the best Christmas ever if you just order any of these fine products we have for you today. Here at Headquarters we have operators who are standing by 24 hours a day. They are making a do-not-call list and checking it twice, and will be more than happy to accept your call and transfer it to our branch in Bombay, India, where they hopefully do not understand consumer fraud.

As always, this year we again are offering our Lifetime Super Service With a Smile Some Of Our Departing Contestants Receive a Year's Supply of Rice-a-Roni The San Francisco Treat Guarantee: If for any reason whatsoever in the entire universe you are not completely satisfied, downright ticked off, or in a hissy fit about one of our gift items: Please get in touch with Donald Trump. We currently have a bad case of severe intestinal discomfort.

Thank you and have a Merry Christmas.

 

Bob H

 

Since its holiday time, your travels may involve consumption of mass quantities of your favorite beverages. A few years ago a comic named Larry Miller, who really needs to get back to stand up comedy, offered this piece of advice about controlling your drinking: 

LEVEL 1:

It's 11:00 on a weeknight, you've had a few beers. You get up to leave because you have work the next day and one of your friends buys another round. One of your UNEMPLOYED friends. Here at level one you think to yourself, "Oh come on, this is silly, why as long as I get seven hours of sleep (snap fingers), I'm cool."

LEVEL 2:

It's midnight. You've had a few more beers. You've just spent 20 minutes arguing against artificial turf. You get up to leave again, but at level two, a little devil appears on your shoulder. And now you're thinking, "Hey! I'm out with my friends! What am I working for anyway? These are the good times! Besides, as long as I get five hours sleep (snaps fingers) I'm cool."

LEVEL 3:

One in the morning. You've abandoned beer for tequila. You've just spent 20 minutes arguing FOR artificial turf. And now you're thinking, "Our waitress is the most beautiful woman I've ever seen!" At level three, you love the world. On the way to the bathroom you buy a drink for the stranger at the end of the bar just because you like his face. You get drinking fantasies. (like,"Hey fellas, if we bought our own bar, we could live together forever. We could do it. Tommy, you could cook.") But at level three, that devil is a little bit bigger....and he's buying. And you're thinking "Oh, come on, come on now. As long as I get three hours sleep...and a complete change of blood (snaps fingers), I'm cool."

LEVEL 4:

Two in the morning. And the devil is bartending. For last call, you ordered a bottle of rum and a Coke. You ARE artificial turf! This time on your way to the bathroom, you punch the stranger at the end of the bar. Just because you don't like his face! And now you're thinking, "Our busboy is the best looking man I've ever seen." You and your friends decide to leave, right after you get thrown out, and one of you knows an ...after hours bar. And here, at level four, you actually think to yourself, "Well....as long as I'm only going to get a few hours sleep anyway, I may as well....STAY UP ALL NIGHT!!!! Yeah! That'd be good for me. I don't mind going to that board meeting looking like Keith Richards. Yeah, I'll turn that around, make it work for me. And besides, as long as I get 31 hours sleep tomorrow ....cool."

LEVEL 5:

Five in the morning. after unsuccessfully trying to get your money back at the tattoo parlor ("But I don't even know anybody named Ruby!!!"), you and your friends wind up across the state line in a bar with guys who have been in prison as recently as...that morning. It's the kind of place where even the devil is going, "Uh, I gotta turn in. I gotta be in Hell- at nine. I've got that brunch with Hitler, I can't miss that." At this point, you're all drinking some kind of thick blue liquor, like something from a Klingon wedding. A waitress with fresh stitches comes over, and you think to yourself, "Someday I'm gonna marry that girl!!" One of your friends stands up and screams, "WE'RE DRIVIN' TO FLORIDA!!!!!"- and passes out. You crawl outside for air , and then you hit the worst part of level five- the sun. You weren't expecting that were you? You never do. You walk out of a bar in daylight, and you see people on their way to work, or jogging. And they look at you-and they know. And they say..."Who's Ruby?" Let's be honest, if you're 19 and you stay up all night, it's like a victory like you've beat the night, but if you're over 30, then that sun is like God's flashlight. We all say the same prayer then, "I swear, I will never do this again (how long?) as long as I live!" And some of us have that little addition, "......and this time, I mean it!"

Bob H

 

Don't look now, but Christmas is right around the corner. According to local retail stores it has been around the corner since about July. And in today's different day and age, we need to take extra precautions to make sure the holiday runs smoothly.

When many of us were younger, Christmas was all about a gingerbread house and a magical snowman who came to life one day. But things have changed today, children.

Santa Claus' gingerbread house has been repossessed by his new personal trainer, and Frosty the Snowman is acknowledged as a pipe smoker who is also allegedly battling a substance abuse problem. The authorities have their dogs sniffing around Frosty's old silk hat, trying to determine exactly what kind of "magic" it contained.

That's a rough way to treat a legend like Santa Claus, but today people are asking him to clean up his act. We've recently heard a spokesman from the Ministry of Fun say that a secret summit of Santas has designed guidelines for Santa Claus' code of conduct.

James Lovell's agency fills about five hundred Santa positions every year. His guidelines report that Santa should have a bushy white beard of no more than six inches long, and a girth of at least 46 inches and no more than 48 inches. Lovell adds that Santa must not smell of drink or body odor and his Ho Ho Ho must resonate deeply.

The Ministry of Fun's standards seem a bit harsh. Some companies just might spot alcohol on the breath in the pre-employment interview. But other people have been unhappy with Santa Claus in recent years.

About seven years ago, a lawyer from Cincinnati filed a lawsuit in US District Court claiming that establishing Christmas as a holiday violated the separation of church and state.

Yes, the Grinch Who Sued Christmas.

A federal judge threw out Ganulin's case a year later. But the way things are going today, there are more than a few people who might consider a class action lawsuit against Santa Claus. Their reasons might be as follows:

1.) He violates FAA regulations, and laws about breaking and entering.

2.) He crosses state and country lines without a valid passport, and often violates international airspace.

3.) This "sees you when you're sleeping, knows when you're awake" business violates laws prohibiting stalking.

4.) He breaks state traffic and environmental laws by parking on rooftops, and does not scoop up after his reindeer.

5.) His "naughty to nice" behavior color chart(1. Naughty: red, 2. Bratty: orange, 3. Impish: yellow, 4. Precocious: blue, 5. Nice: green) is merely subjective, and causes terror among children worldwide.

6.) He seems to practice identity theft by having aliases of Kris Kringle and St. Nicholas, and appearing in Wal-Marts all over the world at the same time.

But even a 250-year old dog like Santa Claus can learn some new tricks. In Denmark about a year ago, the Danish air force had to pay about $5000 in compensation when two of their fighter jets caused one of Santa's reindeer to die of heart failure.

The animal, oddly named Rudolf, was grazing at the farm of part-time Santa Olavi Nikkanoff when the F-16 jets passed overhead, causing him to collapse and die.

This time Santa Claus was the one who wrote a letter. Nikkanoff asked for and received compensation for the reindeer and his veterinary expenses from the Air Force. The good news is that Nikkanoff planned to use the money to buy another reindeer.

People like that still respect everything that Santa Claus has done for Christmas. They probably still leave milk and cookies for him on Christmas Eve. But if you don't want to see a team of seven tiny elf lawyers leading you into a courtroom with a lawsuit for making him fat, the Center for Consumer Freedom suggests that you leave a Christmas Cookie Liability and Indemnification Agreement on the cookie plate.

This agreement, which can be downloaded at www.consumerfreedom.com, contains various "clauses" which protect people from legal liability. They include:

1.) Your failure to provide Santa with nutritional information and ingredients about the cookies;

2.) Your failure to offer healthier cookie alternatives such as tofu bars;

3.) Your failure to notify him that eating too many cookies can lead to even greater levels of obesity. This is known as the Sanity Clause.

Yes, we realize that Santa has been forgetting more and more stops as he gets older, like the poorer areas. And he leaves the sleigh's left blinker on in the fast lane a lot more often than he did when he was younger.

But with these few added precautions, people can still enjoy any kind of holiday celebration they choose to have. Just don't haul Santa Claus into criminal court if he doesn't fork over your new Playstation 3.

 

Bob H