The Poetry of Bodily Functions

Most children love blood, gore and guts.

They never fail to be entertained by burping, farting and snot.

But what many disgusted parents and their teachers overlook is that this fascination can in fact be a useful learning tool.

North London GP Nick Krasner, has harnessed the fascination for all things "icky" to entertain and educate.

In 'Oozing Medical Poems' he tackles the issues of bugs, appendicitis and personal hygiene through 11 poems aimed at seven to 11-year-olds.

"There is education there, but it is not rammed down their throats," Dr Krasner explained.

IF YOU KEEP PICKING YOUR NOSE
If you keep picking your nose, my child,
The finger will come to the brain, my child,
There's just a small plate,
A tea strainer or grate, that separates your brain from your nose, my child

"It gives them an interest in their bodies.

"I have been writing for many years now, and I wanted to write something that would make going to the doctor easier for children.

"I wanted children to see doctors as somebody they can speak to, someone more like an uncle or a friend than a man in a suit."

'Boils and pustules'

Dr Nick said that his nieces, Charlotte and Francesca, had regularly asked him questions about the old favourites such as mucus and ear wax, but he had not been able to find any books that could adequately explain why they occur - so he decided to pen his own.

In one of the poems "A thank you from a healthy bug", Dr Nick observes how a germ gets from Mark's dirty skin to Deborah's eye, Michael's nose and Joe's glands.

And "Bradley the Bear" tells the story of an animal whose personal hygiene is so poor that he becomes home to mice, lice and vermin and ends up with cracked paws, boils and itchy fur.

Children are citizens in their own right and deserve more explanation, says Professor Mayur Lakhani, chairman of the Royal College of GPs.

But bodily functions are definitely the big obsession, with three poems centring around 'snot' and one on burping, ear wax and bottoms.

"I have tried to make them entertaining, but factually correct as well," said Dr Krasner.

The book also comes with a CD of the poems so that the children can hear how the author intended them to be read.

Professor Mayur Lakhani, chairman of the Royal College of GPs, said work like this really helped.

"Generally we do not do enough to explain health issues to children in terms that they can easily understand.

"Children are citizens in their own right and deserve more explanation.

"This publication appears to be a way of doing this in an appealing and fun way."

It takes all kinds.

Bob H

This is the true story of a Midwestern company and its pet blockhead who can fix cracks in your home's foundation, and in your wardrobe. I was contacted by the company president after posting a bit about them in a previous article.

These days the signs of spring are everywhere, as long as it's not raining. The temperatures are beginning to get warmer, people are starting to take down their Christmas decorations, and you can now fill your gas tank on a five year, low interest installment plan.

And when these signs of spring are in the air, everyone knows that a young man's fancy turns to...foundation cracks.

Oh sure, you thought I was going to talk about love and marriage. But how can any young couple expect to cement a solid relationship when the first spring rain might cause the hard slab that is love to show shrinkage?

And you know that older couple who might have snow on the roof won't be able to keep that fire in the furnace going if they have water in their basement.

So what can you do when your home's foundation begins to spring leaks, aside from moving or buying a lot of buckets? Well, a little company based in the Midwest called the Crack Team has begun to receive a groundswell of support due to their unique advertising campaign. At least I think it was a groundswell, or else the sound of water entering your basement.

You could tell right away that the Crack Team wasn't about to run your average, run of the mill advertising program. Most companies would want to stress how people have been calling on the Crack Team since 1985 for all of their foundation repair needs.

But not the Crack Team. They prefer to extol the virtues of company mascot Mr. Happy Crack, mostly because his milk shake is much better than yours.

Any successful business operation always needs a high level marketing campaign. And after years of intense and arduous advertising research and much medication, the company created Mr. Happy Crack.

Mr. Happy Crack is a cracked block of granite in full work gear from the highly fashionable 2007 Crack Team fashion line who has a physique like a...well...block of concrete.

And he was not a mere overnight success. Mr. Happy Crack built his reputation traveling the United States and Canada, usually on the back of various bus lines during their overnight routes, telling everyone the company motto; "A dry crack is a happy crack!"

Sure, go ahead and make your snide little jokes. Courtney Love never acted this way during her brief marriage to Mr. Happy Crack. What you need to do is to get your mind out of the gutter and back into the basement where it belongs. The Crack Team's approach has allowed them to open up businesses in Kansas City and Chicago, along with their main office in St. Louis. They are well on their way to their goal of opening one hundred offices in the US and Canada and/or world domination, whichever comes first.

Besides, Mr. Happy Crack was not the Crack Team's first choice for a mascot. To really emphasize the potential for leaks into your basement, the research department first designed Leaking Larry, a concrete character who looked like an incontinent Maytag repairman, only more lonely.

Also rejected were the characters Oven Crack, Spongebob Squarecrack, and The Artist Formerly Known as Mr. Happy Crack.

Then in 2002, Mr. Happy Crack was introduced to the world, and people began to sit up and take notice. Or look at him funny. As explained on mrhappycrack.com, Mr. Happy Crack was voted to Mascot Age Magazine's Power 50 mascot list last November, at less than two years of age. He became the youngest Power 50 recipient since Belgium-based Shemp the monkey was named in 1977, six months after his debut.

Mrhappycrack.com also reports that Mr. Happy Crack has become very involved in the political scene. Although he possesses a solid foundation for a write-in campaign, Mr. Happy Crack is not interested in the Presidency. But he has been nominated for Contracting Digest's Mascot of the Year.

He faces solid competition in Ugly Eugene of Eugene's Repairs and What Nots, and Uncle Izzy of Izzy Gonna Show Up? contractors.

The chairman of The Committee to Elect Mr. Happy Crack, Mr. Sidney Crackstein, Esq., fresh off his successful run as Howard Dean's speech writer, invites all of Mr. Happy Crack's supporters to attend his $10,000 a plate fundraiser. He also reminds all attendees to bring their checkbooks, or they can forget about their Cabinet positions.

And if foundation crack repair wasn't enough, the Crack team has created their own clothing line. Yes, the profile of Mr. Happy Crack on tee shirts, sweatpants, and boxers has graced catwalks from London to New York to Monkey's Elbow, Kentucky. Most items are reasonably priced between $18 and $20, a bargain in any open air flea market.

But the Crack Team would prefer not to brag about their accomplishments. They asked me not to mention that if your current place of employment isn't all it's cracked up to be, maybe you'd like to join the Crack Team. They have home service franchises with formal training, marketing and promotional support.

They also don't want me to remind you that more information is available through info.thecrackteam.com, so I won't. You could have contacted Randy Hove, Director of Franchising, or the reclusive Mr. Robert Kodner, company President, Raconteur, Bon Vivant, and all-around Man About Town, or his spokesman, Mr. Sidney Crackstein.

Perhaps you're wondering why you should trust a company which doesn't take itself too seriously like the Crack Team with something as serious as securing your home's foundation. So is the Crack Team. Frankly, they'd like to know just what you're thinking.

They hope you're thinking about their reputation for cost-effective quality repair work for your foundation cracks. And that you're thinking about spicing up your wardrobe for your next appearance at company events, important social functions, or the Jerry Springer show.

So think about calling the Crack Team before the spring rains (or snows) begin in earnest. If you act now, Mr. Sidney Crackstein will personally come to your home and help you take down your Christmas decorations. Thank you.

Bob H

Between 1946 and 1964, there were 78 million baby boomers born in the United States. They quickly became the epitome of hip and happening, and they were responsible for many important achievements during their formative years. I would tell you what they were, but it’s hard to maintain a train of thought when you’ve fried this many brain cells over the years.

All right, one of them was LSD.

After so many years our memories begin to fade. Actually baby boomers were well ahead of their time. They were destroying brain cells in their early days before it became fashionable later to do so through old age. Frankly, considering what you’ve been through, it’s amazing that you’re still here today. That in itself is an accomplishment considering all of the obstacles you have had to face. For one, LSD.

Actually, it all began with your parents. They were The Greatest Generation, you know. It has to be true. Tom Brokaw said so in a book.

So what does that make you? Right out of the womb the bar was set incredibly high for you. You were the sequel to the greatest generation. You became My Generation, and often stuttered a lot. That started when you learned of everything your parents had already done.
I just remembered another of the baby boomers’ most significant accomplishments. Whining.

Actually, our generation has gone from LSD and PCP to DVDs and HMOs. But as the boomers age and begin to deal with these issues, they have developed the ability to adapt to them. That is mostly due to a bad HMO.

You will deal with many different medical plans as you advance in age. When you were younger you turned to HMO late at night because your parents would never order you the Playboy Channel.

A bigger problem for the baby boomer as he advances in age will be his place in today’s working world. Fortunately the job market is continuing to grow, and the prospects of a boomer’s employment in the future are brighter than ever. Unfortunately those prospects begin in India and Mexico, so you‘ll likely be needing cab fare.

That’s because if you happen to be over the age of forty, and boomers know that they are, you’re not wanted in your current place of employment. Even though they made larger profits during the last quarter than Exxon.

It doesn’t matter how much you know or even whether you run the company. You make too much money and you need to leave. You’re draining the company of its resources by insisting that all you’re trying to do is feed your family. You’ll never be a team player. You are a selfish cretin.

The company’s work will get done much quicker as soon as they begin hiring recent high school graduates to take your place. At a much lower pay scale, of course.

You remember today’s high school graduates. They’re the kids who were still wet behind the ears when you and your college friends were finishing off that beer bong the night before final exams. Now they have brought their cell phones and lap tops with them, and they plan to become the wave of the future.

In the meantime, what are you going to do? Are you just going to sit there and let some snot nosed kid take your job?

Of course not. During your many years of experience in the workforce you’ve gotten to know plenty of guys named Bruno who are really handy with a tire iron. But most likely you will be collecting disability payments from the seizure that you faked after you first saw the high school grad.

When the business is performing slowly, many companies will resort to layoffs. They’ll tell you that the situation hasn’t called for that yet, but for the present time they’ll merely be downsizing. After that they may turn to reorganization. After that, the company may decide to restructure their assets.

If these technical terms are becoming too complicated, most companies use the following system in their business practices, which can be explained in the following chart:





Layoff Layoff
Downsizing Layoff
Restructuring Layoff
Reinventing the company Layoff
Shuffling the deck Layoff
Hiding the salami Layoff
Outsourcing your job Your company has been purchased by a roving band of gypsies.
Mission accomplished Termination


Should you become the unfortunate victim of a layoff, at least nowadays most companies will show enough tact to make things easier on the affected person.

Companies now are required to give the employee formal notice of a coming layoff a full TWO minutes before the end of his scheduled shift instead of one on the employee’s final day.

And if you receive early enough notice, the company will continue to treat you as the special individual and employee you are, who has always meant so much to them. Supervision will occasionally apologize to you after they step over you while gracefully placing a knee into your ribs in order to water the plant located above your desk. It’s just their simple acknowledgement of the fact that you do indeed exist which makes the whole working experience worthwhile.

That kind of communication has always been a key issue in the workplace. Your more successful companies will always be in constant contact with its most valuable resource, the employee, and they have an idea of which ones make the finest contributions to their efforts.

They will tell the employees that in order for their operation to have a full and lasting lifetime, all of its organs need to be functioning at maximum efficiency. Management of course, are the brains.

Your well known top selling products are the lifeblood and the pulse of the company. The clients who buy them are the heart and soul, while the engineering department represents the muscle.

You represent the mop and bucket found just below the kidneys. But don’t worry. Your function is every bit as vital to the company’s image as the ones already listed.

SUPERVISOR: In recognition of your thirty years of devoted service to our company, this month’s Attaboy goes to Phil from manufacturing.

BOB: My name is Bob.

SUPERVISOR: Our company would never have been quite the same without all of your contributions. Unless we had hired someone else.

BOB: Thank you.

SUPERVISOR: So on behalf of upper management, all the way down through the upper trachea and lower bowels of our company, we proudly present this Attaboy to you, Brian.

BOB: My name is Phil.

That’s just one of the many ways a company proves that they value your kind of experience.

Attaboy.

Bob H

Daylight saving time is here already, weeks ahead of the normal schedule, rousting us from bed, speeding up an already accelerated existence. By government edict, the sun does not rise when it should, and you must emerge from your comfy bed in predawn darkness. The moment when the clocks move forward by an hour has been moved back by nearly a month. Forward: back. Confused? Temporally discombobulated? Can you honestly say what time it is "right now"?

No. You're not allowed to know. Under the Energy Policy Act of 2005, the correct time is not determined by the spinning of Earth, but by the Office of the Vice President.

He lives at the U.S. Naval Observatory, where they keep the Master Clock. The vice president spends a lot of time in the Master Clock control room, playing with knobs. When he's in a really bad mood, he makes noon into midnight.

Daylight saving time is traditionally an artifact of spring and summer, and indeed is called "Summer Time" in Europe, but this year it arrives in winter. The Gregorian calendar was confusing enough before this latest change. For ages, scholars have tried to figure out why the dates of Easter and Passover change every year, but the Fourth of July is always celebrated on the same day.

Today the clock has leapt forward from 1:59:59 a.m. to 3:00:00 a.m., but there will be no explanation from anyone in authority about where the missing hour goes. Yes, it pops up again in November, but where is it in the meantime? Do we want an hour on the loose, where it could play into the hands of criminals?

Bad things could happen today. Computers could go haywire, and satellites could fall from space. Roosters may fail to crow. Farmers will be in their fields, plowing the earth, only to realize that they can't see because the sun hasn't risen and they're working at night. Aircraft will take off from runways even as the pilot and co-pilot are still racing on foot toward the departure gate.

Everyone listening to the tolling of distant cathedral bells will wonder if the hunchback remembered to add a toll. The hit show "24" will be missing the crucial hour between 4 and 5 in the afternoon, during which Jack Bauer kills seven terrorists with his bare teeth and conquers Russia.

Why must we endure this nightmare? Because powerful industries want to tamper with Time Itself. There is, for example, the charcoal industry, which wants more barbecues. You can spot its lobbyists because they're covered in soot. There is also the powerful softball lobby, the not-so-powerful but highly influential badminton lobby, the eccentric but oddly lovable croquet lobby, and the subversive and slightly scary lawn darts lobby.

Our government and the special interests who run it will not be satisfied until they've tinkered with the entire space-time continuum. They want control not only of time and space but also of causality, of chronology, of sequence, of the so-called "arrow of time," which they hope to use as a weapon.

Time has always been a philosophical challenge. It is not "real," the way, for example, a clock is real. All we can say is that there are coordinates in space-time that can be described by three spatial dimensions and one temporal dimension. Viewed in this strict fashion, "deadlines" for "columns" have no meaning, even though editors cling to the medieval notion that they should be finished "on time." Dream on.

There is not a person alive who has not, at some point, wondered, "What is time, exactly?" and, "Why are we alive now and not at some other time, like the 37th century, when everyone finally has his or her personal jet pack?" and, "Why are there three spatial dimensions but only one time dimension, and not the other way around, which would allow us to sit in one place, such as the couch, and watch Super Bowls XIII, XXVI and XXXIX simultaneously?"

These are the kind of questions that separate us from the beasts. Homo sapiens is unique among animals in possessing awareness of being late to an appointment. Dogs cannot comprehend past and future, much less Eastern, Central, Mountain and Pacific time. The phrase " '60 Minutes' will follow the game, except on the West Coast" means nothing to a cat.

Time should not be altered seasonally, like the hemlines of dresses. There should be no fashions in time, nothing wobbly or slippery or arbitrary. Time belongs to the people.

And with that thought, let's go back to sleep.

Bob H

Blogstream features all different styles of writing. And Lucy has featured many of us with books in her own book club. Well, over at www.thebookseller.com the voting is now open on the oddest book title of the year.

Industry magazine The Bookseller has opened voting for the oddest book title of the year, some of which suggest that nothing is stranger than non-fiction.

Readers of the magazine's website www.thebookseller.com are being invited to vote on a shortlist of six non-fiction books in its annual Diagram Prize for the Oddest Title of the Year.

The nominations are made by publishers, booksellers and librarians from around the world.

The nominees are:

-- "Tattooed Mountain Women and Spoon Boxes of Daghestan"

-- "How Green Were the Nazis?"

-- "D. Di Mascio's Delicious Ice Cream: D. Di Mascio of Coventry -- An Ice Cream Company of Repute, with an Interesting and Varied Fleet of Ice Cream Vans"

-- "The Stray Shopping Carts of Eastern North America: A Guide to Field Identification"

-- "Proceedings of the Eighteenth International Seaweed Symposium"

-- "Better Never To Have Been: The Harm of Coming Into Existence"

Joel Rickert, deputy editor of The Bookseller, told BBC radio Friday: "It's the only literary prize where the content of the book doesn't matter a lot.

"So, there's still hope for Salman Rushdie or Martin Amis if they're worried about the Booker (prize). All they've got to do is give their books an odd title and they're in with a shot."

Last year's winner was "People Who Don't Know They're Dead: How They Attach Themselves To Unsuspecting Bystanders and What to Do About it" by Gary Leon Hill.

The competition has been running since 1978, when the winner was "Proceedings of the Second International Workshop on Nude Mice".

Bob H