With the calendar reaching spring, if you're looking for a little fun and excitement for the whole family look no further. On the first weekend in May, people all across the country become horse racing experts as they anticipate the annual Run for the ATM Machine, the Kentucky Derby.

Or as it's known to horse racing enthusiasts from South Jersey, Saturday.

Locally, if you're looking to bet on the big race and experience part of the Kentucky Derby atmosphere, the approval of a bill years ago allowing off-track betting sites in South Jersey affords you the golden opportunity to explore the many wonders of Delaware or Philadelphia.

But we put such bitterness aside today because we come to the park to have an enjoyable day and take in the rich traditions of the Derby .It draws nearly 150,000 spectators to Churchill Downs in Kentucky about twenty of whom can be seen through cigar smoke, and is viewed by millions more at home on television. And with racing's recent emphasis on attracting a younger crowd, the average age of a racing fan had dropped to 67.

No, actually, racing fans are slowly getting younger. No longer are the only hip people at the track the ones requiring hip replacement surgery. Racetracks now even provide entertainment for the kids such as playrooms, face painters, and video arcades. Some arcades now offer the simulated horse racing game, "My First Trifecta," which children can play if Dad ever leaves.

And big events like the Derby always bring out an eclectic assortment of fashions among their patrons. Senator Hillary Clinton attended the 2001 Belmont Stakes in New York demonstrating the current Tweety Bird the canary fashion craze with her yellow outfit, while husband Sylvester tagged along, hoping to place a show bet on the right two-legged filly.

After you're done observing the other ladies wearing large hats which represent the Battleship New Jersey, in order to learn more about the horses you will be watching, it is recommended that you try the Official Drink of the Kentucky Derby, the mint julep Or two. This drink consists of bourbon, fresh mint sprigs, bourbon, granulated sugar, water, and crushed ice.

And if you find that some of your early race selections aren't faring so well, you can always try a generous portion of bourbon with your drink. Or three.

You'll find this kind of thorough handicapping research necessary so you can make your choices for the big race. Many of the aforementioned 150,000 bettors at Churchill Downs are also television viewers. With the biggest race of the year twenty feet away, they sit in front of a monitor with their fifteen volume set of Derby handicapping materials spread out in front of them.

These will shortly land on the floor as their "can't miss, lock of the day" selection comes in twelfth.

At your local track we are forced to watch the Derby from a simulcasting monitor. Tracks now offer about 375 simulcasts of races on the off chance that you might have an extra $10 remaining on your $10,000 credit line. You can choose races to bet from any part of the country, with a different race going off at least every 3.7 seconds.

But at this point you want to concentrate on betting the Derby. Because with so many champions running, you have many possible ways to win money. And remember what your mother told you many years ago If you don't take a gamble sometimes, then you'll always be a piece of loose change underneath the cushion of the sofa that is life. I know it was either her or your bookie.

So the next thing that you need to do is to study the past performance lines in your daily program. To the uninitiated, these may appear to be a random sort of numbers which were drawn up by Arthur Andersen. But seasoned racing fans know that all of those numbers are needed to tell you the position your horse was in at various stages of a race, his time in getting there, his speed figures, and your blood pressure numbers after studying these for ten minutes.

After completing your extensive research, you finally come up with a wagering system you can call your own. Which is to bet on the gray horse. Or the brown. They always win.

And your bets with the best potential for earning large amounts are called exotic bets. These include daily doubles, quinellas, salmonellas, exactas, and trifectas, which allow you to spend approximately $400 to box ten horses of a twelve horse race in order to receive a $10.20 payoff.

In this case I use a system which I consider flawless. It involves two steps: 1) Take your wallet to the car.

2) Lock the door.

But maybe it will be your lucky day. As long as you bet with your head and not over it, youand your family are sure to have a good time at the races. And the Kentucky Derby just might be the most exciting two minutes of your year.

Hopefully that will not be confirmed by your wife.

Bob H

We’ve reached that time of year again when everyone’s political focus turns to the 2008 Presidential campaign. To this point we’ve seen approximately 325 candidates and their grandmothers announce that they are now candidates to become the next President of the United States.

Personally, I’m wondering whether or not that is a good idea. It seems that all of our prospective candidates so far share a common ailment which turns off registered voters from red and blue states alike: they are politicians. And no good can come to our country if we choose to elect another one of those.

After considerable thought for a minute or two, I have come to realize that this country needs a candidate who is motivated, but yet fully disconnected from high places and can relate to small town America.

Since I lack the motivation to find such a person, I am here today to announce that I am forming an exploratory committee, which will explore the prospects of throwing my hat into the ring as a Presidential candidate.

Since I’ve never been able to fit into any kind of stylish hat comfortably in my lifetime, I firmly believe that the chances are good that the committee will tell me to toss in that baby.

As far as my qualifications are concerned, I can begin by discussing the issues. I mean, does anyone realize what it’s like to have a head so misshapen that you can’t fit into any kind of hat? I was called “Lima Bean Head” at one point in my life. My head is shaped in a manner in which you would expect that white stuff to come out of the top if you squeezed it.

Besides, back in the days when this country was making steel, people wore their hats with the brims facing the front. Chances are that George W. Bush wore a Texas Rangers baseball cap backward around that time in the early 1990s when he was part owner of the team. This trend continued, and this was about the time when the USA began to lose respect around the world.

Hats are a leading cause in France receiving the abuse that it takes. What kind of self-respecting Presidential candidate could surrender wearing a beret? Have you ever looked at those things?

Since we’ve now sufficiently covered the vital issues, I think it’s time to plan when I will actually launch my campaign. The head of my exploratory committee, former Iowa Governor Thomas Vilsack, who dropped out of the presidential race due to lack of funds, recommends that I try no time like the present.

His theory is that I can sneak into the presidential campaign while the furor over Vilsack’s leaving the campaign is still taking place.

Next, most people realize that any worthwhile campaign needs a carefully crafted and well thought out strategy. Instead, I plan to begin this way.

You should always enter a campaign for office while the country is preoccupied with current headlines like Anna Nicole, Britney, Imus and Jet Blue. When my wide array of personal skeletons is uncovered, I will still look better than these people.

Eventually the public will merely see me as number 326 on the list of candidates for President, if they should happen to look at the ballot at all. Also, when I sneak into a campaign quietly, all of my outstanding warrants and subpoenas are likely to be overlooked.

On the campaign trail, it’s common knowledge that to have the best chance at success with the largest number of voters, you need to appeal to as many different groups as you can. So in order to pander to the maximum amount of people possible, I am fully prepared to select a deranged astronaut as my running mate.

I need such a highly qualified and resourceful partner, because this will be a long, tough campaign. It will involve a lot of bus travel from state to state, where there will be little time available to rest.

And I intent to spend every moment of this campaign on my couch watching it on television, unless 24 is on. The diapers figure to come in handy in case I run out of beer.

We plan to run this campaign on the merits of my political slogan: Bob: How Much Worse Can It Get? Voters will realize that the bar has been lowered once I finally take the oath of office.

In order to take the oath, Governor Vilsack has informed me that it requires money to fund a Presidential campaign. I asked him if it was possible that we could both declare bankruptcy in order to raise funds for necessary hush money, but he said that wouldn’t work.

I had thought there would be a groundswell of support for my election after I invited three-quarters of the US population to a keg party on the White House lawn after my inauguration.

So unfortunately, I am here today to announce my withdrawal as a candidate for President of the United States due to lack of funds. It was a long and hard fought battle, at least for a couple of minutes. We bled, we sweat, and we paid the price. That’s because the price of beer is going up again.

And as I leave this glorious campaign trail, allow me to offer the following words of farewell to my legion of supporters: If any members of the exploratory committee expect to get paid for their services, they are crazier than that damn deranged astronaut. Thank you and God Bless America.

Bob H

In order to earn a living these days, many people find themselves stuck working at jobs they find boring or tedious. They are not in a position to unleash any hidden talent or creativity they may possess.

But then once a year income tax time rolls around.

It seems that when some people get around to preparing their tax return, they adopt the philosophy of George Costanza: "It's not a lie if YOU believe it." Admittedly, the 99 percent of taxpayers who are not receiving a significant tax cut are still bearing a large financial burden. But a few of the returns we've heard about in past years would make James Frey envious for having not written them.

There have been many cases where lawyers and doctors are required to attend "continuing education programs." To be able to claim such a deduction, the IRS says these seminars have to last a reasonable length of time, like about an hour each day. And they must improve the attendees' professional skills.

Of course, the lawyers and doctors are forced to suffer through their training courses at expensive golf resorts. The lessons are all available on videotape, and the members can watch an hour of them every morning before tee time.

A lot of people have to deal with such hardships. A tax planner once called the IRS to see if he could claim a casualty loss deduction. He wanted to claim his late wife's ashes as a write off because the funeral director managed to lose them. Although it would have been interesting to see the monetary value the man placed on his late wife, the IRS said no.

Despite occasional tall tales like these, it seems that most American taxpayers do not advocate cheating. The Tax Oversight Board says that 62 percent of people surveyed would turn someone in if they knew that person was cheating on their taxes.

88 percent of those surveyed said it is "not at all" acceptable to cheat on income taxes, a number which has increased by seven percent since 2003. According to my records, five percent were undecided, while another seven percent said "maybe" and were in the process of relocating to Switzerland.

Before the mid 1980s it was easier to slide under the tax radar to find questionable deductions. That was when the IRS required people to supply a Social Security number for their children on their IRS form to claim them as dependents. The population had previously been many millions higher. People were deducting their pets.

Despite that, animals can still change your tax bracket. One creative genius wanted to attract wild cats in order to keep snakes out of his scrap yard, so he was allowed to deduct cat food as a business expense. Another man depreciated the cost of his earthworms.

In 1986, an Arkansas governor named Bill Clinton took a charitable contribution for donating used underwear and running shorts to Goodwill. There is still no report on what Monica got for the dress years later.

Meanwhile, the former neighbors of Mr. O. J. Simpson took a $751,000 "casualty loss," arguing that for some reason a retired football player's "notoriety" had lowered their home's "property values". The IRS told them to supply $292,000 in back taxes.

Another model American citizen, Aldrich Ames, argued that he was unfairly being asked to pay taxes on $1 million he received from the KGB between 1989 through 1992, because the Soviets had set the money aside for him in 1985, and the IRS wasn't disputing his tax return from that year. Tax Court told him "Nyet."

And the IRS is enlisting your help in their battle against tax cheaters. In your financial position you may be entitled to one phone call, so they have a toll-free number(1-800-829-0433) you can use if you suspect someone of cheating on their taxes. When you make this call, the IRS wants you to provide the following information:

1. Your name (or alias).

2. The address of the person being reported.

3. The years the tax fraud has taken place.

4. The Social Security number or Employee Identification number of the person being reported.

5. Financial records related to the fraud.

6. Substantiating documentation of the case.

7. The date of birth of the person being accused.

8. Form 109876-URA-RAT.

9. Should I just bring him in for you, too?

If the IRS recovers money from receiving your information, you may be entitled to between one and fifteen percent of the money recovered up to a maximum of $10 million. But do not spend a lot of time waiting for the Publisher's Clearing House truck to pull up to your house. And remember to report what they give you on next year's return or you may be turned in for cheating.

One time a judge was required to determine whether a woman from Detroit was cheating or not when she tried to claim a medical deduction to advance her career. Chesty Morgan, a stripper, wanted to be paid for her breast implants.

The judge...uhh...busted Chesty on that one, but allowed her to write them off as an unreimbursed business expense. Business deductions only need to clear two percent of her earnings to qualify as a write-off.

IRS officials suspect that all of the recent financial scandals have made taxpayers reevaluate their own honesty and integrity. Because when it comes to tax cheats, the IRS is always willing to put in their two cents to stop them. Or in Chesty's case, dollar bills of large denominations.

Bob H

1. If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide is that considered a hostage situation?

2. Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.

3. If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?

4. Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?

5. So what's the speed of dark?

6. After eating, do amphibians need to wait an hour before getting OUT of the water?

7. Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?

8. Do they have reserved parking for non-handicapped people at the Special Olympics?

9. Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?

10. If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them?

11. Isn't Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse?

12. Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"?

13. Since light travels faster than sound, isn't that why some people appear bright until you hear them speak?

14. If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?

15. Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery is weak?

16. Since Americans throw rice at weddings, do Asians throw hamburgers?

17. Why are they called apartments, when they're all stuck together?

18. Why do banks charge you a "non-sufficient funds fee" on money they already know you don't have?

19. If you got into a taxi and the driver started driving backward, would the taxi driver end up owing you money?

20. If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it, do the other trees make fun of it?

21. Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?

22. Do fish get cramps after eating?

23. Why are there 5 syllables in the word "monosyllabic"?

24. Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors?

25. Why do scientists call it research when looking for something new?

26. If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?

27. Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.

28. How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a chair at him?

29. If "con" is the opposite of "pro," then what is the opposite of progress?

30. Why is it lemon juice contains mostly artificial ingredients, but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons?

31. Should you trust a stockbroker who's married to a travel agent?

32. Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?

33. Is boneless chicken considered to be an invertebrate?

34. Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

35. What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?

Bob H

This year’s 1040EZ tax booklet states, ”Paying taxes is a unifying experience fundamental to democracy and the rule of law. The IRS seeks to help people understand and pay their taxes as easily as possible.
More than half of all taxpayers file their taxes electronically. But many still prefer this year’s new and simplified tax form:

2006 State of New Jersey Income Tax-Resident Return

1.) Last name____ First name____ Most recent alias____ Name in Pig Latin____
2.) Most recent address____ Address of most recent Swiss chalet____ Include total from Line 10A or 14B, whichever is greater.
3.) Height____ Weight____ Sex: Occasionally____ Twice a year____ During the last lunar eclipse____
4.) Filing status: Single____ Double____ Triple____ Four to a room____ Married____ Divorced____ Klingon____ Dweeb____ Married filing single return____ Married filing joint return____ Married to a widow filing single return____ Head of household in spite of what your wife says filing joint return____ Smoking medicinal joint while filing separate return because your wife shaved her head and went into rehab____
5.) Include hat size or shoe size, whichever is greater.
6.) Deceased( Also include Schedule 911Z and sign)
7.) Exemptions: Regular____ Yourself____ Spouse____ 65 or over____ Deaf____ Dumb____ Blind____
8.) Number of your qualified dependent children____
9.) Number of your qualified personalities to be included( maximum of 3)
10.) Number of your qualifying imaginary friends____
11.) Names of dependent children who lived with you during the past year or moved back home just like you told them they would because they had always been irresponsible____
12.) Add total from lines 8 to 11. ____
13.) Lather, rinse, repeat____
14.) Do you wish to designate $1 of your taxes to the Gubernatorial Elections Fund? Yes____ No____ A maximum of 17 cents____ You might as well designate it because they’re going to get your last red cent anyway.____
15.) Have you ever seen a red cent? Yes____ No____ On crowded days at Atlantic City beaches____
16.) Wages, salaries, tips, bribes, pay-to-play money, hush money, and general skimming off the top____
17.) Enter the amount from the worksheet on page 237 or add $500,000, whichever is greater____
18.) Include all of your W2 forms and apply directly to the forehead____
19.) What about that damn jar of cash you have buried in your backyard?____
20.) Gross influx____
21.) Acid reflux____
22.) New Jersey gross income____
23.) This is quite gross____
24.) Tax. Use the amount on Line 17 above to find your tax on the tax table on pages 337-338 of this booklet. Then head immediately to Atlantic City and bet the entire contents of your wallet on red.____
25.) Check if tax came from tax table____ Tax Rate Schedule XXX____ 38DDD____WD40____ Your favorite fortuneteller____
26.) Total tax paid____
27.) Federal income tax withheld____
28.) If line 27 is greater than line 26, tough noogies____
29.) Subtract line 17 from line 27____
30.) Add your first born male child____
31.) Insert a Quick Pick Lotto selection____
32.) If line 29 is greater than line 31, stop cheating and start over____
33.) Pensions, annuities, and IRA withdrawals taxable amount received____
34.) You don’t plan on keeping all that, do you?____
35.) Alimony and separate maintenance payments____
36.) Amount you paid the slimy lawyer to make her leave____
37.) Medical expenses (Worksheet and instructions on page 137 do not include use of defibrillator from filing last year’s return)____
38.) Qualified conservation contribution____
39.) Qualified SUV contribution to 2006 Exxon Profit Fund____
40.) You know it was more than that____
41.) Net gambling winnings____
42.) You’re forgetting the Number 7 horse from the 8th race at Monmouth last year____
43.) Total property taxes paid____
44.) Fill in amount if your total is greater than your annual salary____
45.) Property tax deduction____
46.) If above total is greater than 0, please enclose a check for $2000____
47.) Add lines 22 to 47 and multiply by 7, then add this to the sum total of lines 12 to 17 and multiply by 37. Don’t forget to carry the 2. Include a check for this total and Schedules I-95, Rt. 73, 98.6, 1045Z and 56789Z with your return. These are your total payments_
48.) Do you want to allow another person to discuss this return with the IRS? Yes____ No____ If I pay him off first____
49.) Sign here____
50.) Your name is not Donald Trump, sign here____

Under penalties of perjury, I declare that I have examined this return, and to the best of my knowledge and belief I have no more red cents left in the house, the deed of which I will surrender to the IRS immediately. This return is true, correct( more or less, with about a 97% margin of error) and accurately lists all amounts and sources of income I received during the tax year. Really. I mean it this time. Please leave my children alone.

Bob H