Everyone knows that the scariest holiday of the year is right around the corner. That's right; Election Day. I stole..errr...found this piece which I want to share from a gentleman named Joel Achenbach.

 

My Fellow Citizens:

In just a few short days, the people of this great nation will go to the polls and make a fateful decision. My opponent represents the party of weakness, doubt and defeatism. I represent the party of delusion and utter lunacy. The choice could not be clearer.

For many years, I have had the honor to serve you in the halls of government, the backrooms and, when necessary, the lavatories. There is no place I will not go to fight for you, your family, your community, my campaign contributors, their business partners and their associates in foreign capitals and offshore banking operations. When you say, "Sink," I say, "How low?"

Anyone who has worked with me over the years knows that I cannot be bought. I can only be leased. Twelve-month minimum. Ask about our discounts.

I do not believe in negative campaigning and have ignored the ugly name-calling by my opponent, who is a criminal, a cretin and a foul-smelling lush. But I have been dismayed in recent days as my opponent has repeatedly tried to divert public attention to such tawdry matters as my voting record. That is the kind of gutter politics I thought we had moved beyond.

I am proud that I managed to funnel $200 million for the construction of an eight-lane suspension bridge linking two uninhabited islands that are part of a national wildlife refuge. Lots of jobs and profits, no actual cars, no furry critters get hurt. Everyone wins!

While naysayers squawked, I continued to fight for procurement of the $500 billion Lockheed-Northrop-Boeing-Rockwell XJ-77 fighter jet that in a tragic oversight was designed without wings. Let's not blow that out of proportion. True, the plane won't fly, but our enemies will still be deterred by the possibility that we could add wings later.

When our troops were in harm's way without sufficient body armor, I was the first to suggest that we airlift them extra aluminum foil. I have consistently argued, in the face of criticism by the hand-wringers, that the Geneva Conventions should be amended to permit use of the rack, the gibbet, the iron maiden, the noogie and the wedgie.

When others caved to the wimp lobby, I stood firm to defend our Second Amendment right to carry concealed flamethrowers.

My opponent contends that I am too cozy with powerful lobbyists. That is absurd. The record will show that when Jack Abramoff asked for a mulligan on the 17th hole at St. Andrews, I refused on principle. He triple-bogeyed. Jack is still sore about it.

My opponent claims that, if I am reelected, we will see more war, more political division, more economic inequality, more erosion of our social fabric. But notice that he never says why that would be a bad thing. His rhetoric is empty.

Critics have claimed that I have character issues. That is a lie. I have never, to my knowledge, made a mistake of any kind that I could not plausibly deny. I have always worked diligently to meet the high standards that I set for myself and which are required by my probation officer.

It is not true that a vote for me is a vote for "more of the same," as my opponent claims. No, a vote for me is a vote for much, much more of the same. Like, the same deluxe. The same with cheese on top.

In fact, that would be a good campaign slogan. Fits on a bumper sticker. The Same With Cheese! That, my friends, is who I am and what I'm all about. May God bless America!

 

Bob H

Here in South Jersey, the signs of fall are all around us. Often people let the change in seasons dampen their spirits. But when the weather gets colder and the yuletide decorations start springing up, it can only mean one thing: it's almost Halloween. And I've discovered that many people have ghosts and spirits in their very own home which need busting, dampening, and outright removing.

One thing these homeowners can do is to contact the Turnersville-based non-profit group known as South Jersey Ghost Research for all of their spirit removal needs. This group is celebrating its fiftieth anniversary this year, dating back to 1955 as Ghost Hunters of America in Burlington County.

According to www.sjgr.com their mission is but a simple one: to research a situation, and provide people with information and understanding to create a livable resolution for the person and the spirit. So today even ghosts are in counseling for their issues.

But the researchers take their work seriously. They receive two to three calls a day and provide free investigations. Many such mysteries of the supernatural are taking place in the South Jersey area.

South Jersey Ghost Research has needed to visit the Masonic Lodge in Woodbury three times. Lodge members have reported seeing ghosts in the building, hearing banging noises, smelling smoke, and seeing the lights go on and off by themselves. Now I realize that back in the day a lot of lodges often saw the spirit of mean old Jack Daniels running around.

The researchers have extensively studied the electronic voice recordings of the case. South Jersey Ghost Research investigates these buildings with the finest in modern research equipment, and finally reassures their clients.

Later I read the rather unsettling news that South Jersey Ghost Research had worked on a case in my hometown of Mantua. The residents in this private home reportedly heard their names being called, saw ghosts and shadows, and heard footsteps. They also claimed to have felt touches and had their hair played with. At least today's new breed of metroghost appears to be a friendly spirit.

But the researchers reported two temperature changes during their visit. Temperature changes occur when spirits use the heat energy in the air to survive and cause cold spots. Such evil, demonic spirits obviously have no concerns over the costs of heating oil.

I must admit that I'm somewhat intrigued by things of the supernatural. I once tried to send a psychic message to Jennifer Love Hewitt of The Ghost Whisperer. Later that night I got a vision of a restraining order.

But I'll bet aside from ghosts you probably always thought the scariest thing in your home was your wife or husband when they first got out of bed in the morning. As Halloween inches even closer, we might consider the existence of another demonic spirit, the vampire.

That's because www.vampire-church.com gives us the comforting information that real vampires do indeed exist. But contrary to the normally reliable reports found in sci-fi television and comic books, they cannot be stopped by garlic or wooden stakes.

At least today's modern day vampire has learned to mind his manners. They do receive their strength from the blood of others, but they never drink their blood without their donor's consent, or the expressed written consent of major league baseball.

The Vampire Church site contains a chat room, The Black Veil, a code of ethics, and vampirism help. You see, a vampire's life is a solitary existence. It's really hard to maintain a healthy relationship when you outlive your mate by a few centuries. So the Church welcomes personal ads. One of them reads like this:

Hi, I am known to this accursed dominion as Alan the Vampire. I wander the streets day and night in search of scrumptious plasma from the wrists of the willing. My hobbies include drawing mustaches and crazy eyes on people's photos. If you are interested in meeting me, please send a self-addressed onion to me.

Another such Type-O-Negative type guy writes this:

I am a vampire looking for a mortal girl or woman to share life with. I would like someone who is interested in my kind and would like to experience life with an immortal. I am a hopeless romantic and a gentleman and I would like to lavish love and attention on an intelligent, creative weirdo of a girl.

Well, hopefully there is someone out there for everybody. I have my doubts about the existence of vampires, but I'll bet it looks good on a job resume.

And not everyone is afraid of ghosts, goblins, spirits, or even Paris Hilton. But if you feel that your home may have been invaded by vampires or spirits this Halloween, you just might want to call South Jersey Ghost Research. Or else cut down on the Jack Daniels.

Bob H

 

Try the face bra

 

But be warned, as its name suggests, it is not quite the invisible lift-me-up that most women are looking for.

This is the face bra, the latest ingenious device that promises to lift that troublesome sagging jaw line and tighten those tired jowls.

It follows in the footsteps of underwear that mimics the effect of buttock implants and tights that promise to create a whole new figure.

The face bra though claims to offer more permanent benefits than knickers that give a short term booty boost.

Not since Elaine the dizzy secretary on television's Ally McBeal created her own face bra has there been such a bizarre beauty product. But creator Vicki Southard claims her own creation owes nothing to the screen device.

For some women the face bra, which costs £43, does have one rather obvious drawback - its Egyptian mummy style appearance.

Bandages stretch around the forehead, under the chin and round the neck.

The secret of the 'bra' is said to be the minerals the user must soak the soft elastic cotton fabric in before application.

It is then held in place with Velcro straps and worn for 30 to 40 minutes at a time. The user is advised to 'baste' herself with minerals every 10 minutes for maximum effect.

'Women want to age gracefully, and most consider surgery as a last resort,' said Mrs Southard, a US-based businesswoman.

'I was never a fan of cosmetic surgery, so I decided to create a non-invasive system to lift the face and tighten the complexion - a simple procedure that didn't require a visit to a surgeon's office.'

The mother-of-two, 49, came up with the idea two years ago after noticing the effects of aging on her own skin.

'I tried lots of different non-invasive treatments that didn't really work. But I remembered that I had tried a body wrap once before and wondered if I could use that formula.'

After obtaining the mineral formula, the mother experimented until she came up with the face bra.

Speaking from her Florida home, Mrs Southard said skin felt noticeably softer after just one application and after two to six application the skin felt tighter.

She recommends using the device two to three times a week.

'It's a safe, easy, and effective rejuvenation process for the face that really does work,' said Mrs Southard. who ships her face bras overseas.

'Too many people choose surgery or suction as their first option.'

There have been an increasing number of treatments and tools to help women tighten up or improve their curves without resorting to the surgeon's knife.

Earlier this year the underwear maker which gave women the Wonderbra introduced Curves Up knickers, with spongy removable pads to clinch, lift and squeeze the bottom into a more rounded shape.

Meanwhile there is microdermabrasion, peels, fillers and Botox injections - all designed to maintain a youthful look.

As for cosmetic surgery, it too has enjoyed a boom, driven in large part by TV shows such as Extreme Makeover and Ten Years Younger.

An estimated 690,000 procedures will be carried out this year, a 40 per cent increase on last year and 240 per cent higher than 2001.

Total spending this year is predicted to total £539million, while in 2007 this is expected to hit £695million - more than the nation spends on tea.

The face bra may be just the alternative, and if not it might come in useful on Egyptian theme nights.

 

Bob H

 There are no limits.

 

How to make Coke better? Fry it

It must be time again for the N.C. State Fair

RALEIGH - It has come to this at the N.C. State Fair: Deep fried Coca-Cola.

Each year, some carnival culinary innovator with a flair for foods bound to lead to congestive heart failure offers a new foodstuff bathed in gooey dough and dropped in a vat of boiling vegetable oil.

Past fairs have seen candy bars, Twinkies, Moonpies, Oreos, cheeseburgers, sweet potatoes and even green beans fried up and, in most cases, impaled on a stick. South Carolina's state fair even added crispy Ho-hos.

Perhaps the concession operators, these Emerils of the french fry basket, simply ran out of solid foods.

The solution? Mix funnel-cake batter with Coke instead of water. Pour batter into the fryer and cook up a mass of doughy strands. Stuff into a Coca Cola cup, sprinkle with powdered sugar and douse with pure Coke syrup. Top it with whipped cream and a cherry.

"Anything's good when you deep fry it," said Greg Seamster, of the N.C. fair's concession staff, as he served up the Cokes at a fair preview Tuesday.

Seamster's words caught the ear of Wake County Sheriff Donnie Harrison, perhaps wondering if the fat-and-sugar cocktail qualified as a controlled substance: "I heard him say it would give you a `Zing.' "

Mark Parker, an afternoon radio host, indulged with mental images of doctors using tiny balloons to reopen his arteries.

"Do you sell it," Parker asked, "with a little angioplasty on the side?"

 

Bob H

Many people treat their pets just like members of the family. This is fine. But just one thing. Make sure kitty is of legal age and has been away from the catnip before you hand him the keys. Thank you.

 

Bob H