Did you ever think you'd seen everything there is to see on the Internet? Think  again.

 

Bob H

I've been doing a lot of driving lately. That, vacation season, and South Jersey traffic are not the ideal combination. Some of the information listed below may be adapted to your own area's highway situation.

One of the poet Robert Frost's lesser known works is titled "The Road Not Taken." He probably couldn't take that road because the right lane was closed for construction on the Atlantic City Expressway.

Everyone is aware that our national system of highways requires constant upgrading in order to ensure the optimum level of gridlock. But now comes the release of the results of GMAC's drivers' test about basic knowledge of rules of the road, and New Jersey comes in 48th out of fifty states.

I can't imagine how that happened. I'm sure all of the insurance companies who bailed out of New Jersey a few years ago obeyed all the rules of the road on their way out. If GMAC had conducted their study while driving on New Jersey highways, they would have seen how truly polite and knowledgeable our drivers are, just before we ran them off the road into a ditch.

No, that's not true. But some of the GMAC test questions needed to be adapted to life on the highway in New Jersey. For example:

When you see someone in the breakdown lane changing a tire, you should:

A:) Pull over and offer assistance.

B:) Stare at them while they are changing the tire, tying up traffic behind you for three miles.

C:) Always help the driver to change the tire before you rob them and carjack them.

Road rage among New Jersey drivers is considered:

A:) A myth

B:) An urban legend

C:) A religion

Test results also indicate Americans do not understand how to properly interpret road signs. When coming to a "Yield" sign upon approaching a highway we should:

A:) Slow down and look carefully at oncoming traffic before merging.

B:) Put the accelerator to the floor to safely decrease our chances of being hit by the approaching SUV.

C:) Remember the moves you learned from watching the latest NASCAR time trials.

Also, 29 percent of drivers who drink said they would drive while they were over the legal blood alcohol limit "if they felt okay," indicating a lack of concern about the dangers posed by drinking and driving. But GMAC never reported the 25 percent of New Jersey drivers who admitted that they would get off the road immediately if they drank enough to make them try stunt jumps over road construction barrels.

Other highway rules exclusive to New Jersey are:

1.) If you are traveling in the left lane and the driver behind you flashes his high beams at you, you can be assured that the driver in front of you will be doing twenty MPH.

2.) Speed limits mean nothing, they are just creative suggestions. The guy passing you driving ninety MPH in a 45 MPH zone and making you look like you're standing still will not be pulled over, but you will if you bump it up to fifty.

3.) Potholes are auto quality control features which have been strategically placed on New Jersey highways to test your car's suspension and anti-lock braking system.

4.) New Jersey drivers are courteous enough to allow the driver in front of them at a red light a full TWO SECONDS to begin moving before they lean on their horn. And when the light turns back to red, they often stop making left turns before the seventh car passes.

5.) Turn signals are actually optional features of your car which serve no useful purpose whatsoever, and can be detached and returned to your automobile dealer. He will gladly replace them with XM radio equipment, a thirty disc CD changer, an Internet system, and an interior George Foreman grill, along with a rebate consisting of your very own authentic former GM employee, all available on a five year lease.

6.) Twenty percent of all electronic traffic warnings telling you that your exit is closed will actually appear BEFORE you reach your exit.

And getting back to those road construction issues, highway repair doesn't always have to be a painful experience for everyone involved. About a year ago, the Illinois Department of Transportation tried a different method to inform the public about its ongoing roadwork. They used a billboard campaign depicting their workers as "road doctors."

On one billboard, a construction employee is wearing a lab coat and a stethoscope, saying he is "working on a cure for rush hour." On another billboard, another worker is performing "open highway surgery."

Four billboards were erected on the Kingery Expressway, where said surgery is taking place, two in each direction along the three mile construction zone.

The cost of renting billboard space for approximately three months of laughter will require quadruple bypass surgery on Illinois taxpayers' wallets: $48,000.

Anyway, it wouldn't hurt for any licensed drivers to brush up on the rules of the road. But the nation's most knowledgeable drivers, from Oregon, wouldn't stand a chance on I-295. And if GMAC wants to revise their test for New Jersey drivers, when they reach the road not taken, I hope they try to jump the construction barrels.

Enjoy your summer. Safely.

Bob H

I've always been somewhat of a coffee achiever in my time. This little discussion is dedicated to those of you who thrive on your daily over the counter caffeine kick. You know who you are. And it's especially for WP, who faces a nine-hour road trip on a regular basis. She knows who she is.

It seems like the debate about whether or not coffee is healthy for you has been going on forever, and it's time that I offered my own views on the situation. But I find that I am unable to form opinions, or even syllables for that matter, until after my third cup of coffee.

That's because everyone knows that a quick fix of coffee can keep us alert, sharpen our concentration, and improve our job performance. But we've also been told that caffeine is a drug. The proper way to use it is to learn how it affects our cognitive reasoning, and not allow ourselves to become too anxious, nervous, or wired. At that point we will find that too much caffeine can keep us alert, sharpen our concentration, improve our job performance, and cause us to repeat ourselves.

Most of the older population learned all about the drug experience from our experiences during the 1970s. We learned that it was really a blast, aside from the missing years we have from about 1974-1977.

But we grew out of that phase because it was unhealthy. We were maturing, and we had no time for addictions. We traded in our drugs for Folgers' Crystals. We were not baseball fans, but hung posters of Joe DiMaggio up in our bedrooms. As we got older we considered naming our first born son "Mr. Coffee". And now scientists are telling us that coffee is the cause of everything from heart disease, osteoporosis and cancer to eczema, seborrhea, and the heartbreak of psoriasis.

I'm sorry, but I'm not going to be able to listen to that. Not that I have any prescription drug type need for coffee, but I've learned over the years that it provides drinkers with some of life's basic nutrients which everyone needs to start their day. Like a pulse and a personality. Pretty soon you'll have to ask your doctor whether Mocha Cappuccino is right for you.

Actually, the newer Mocha Cappuccino Frappucino Latte with steamed milk and whipped cream hold the caffeine type drinks are the ones which are bad for you. They are unhealthy because the guy behind you in line, usually me, wants a steaming twenty ounce cup of high octane, unleaded, fresh house blend mud, preferably extra strong.

That used to be the way you ordered coffee. Sometimes it tasted nearly as good as fresh, three-day old bath water, only containing less caffeine. And you loved every drop of it.

Older people did their best in trying to adjust to the newer trendy drinks. I gave up the French Vanilla blend when the war began.

But thankfully there is a company who is only thinking of the welfare of the true coffee addict. You know, the person who was watching five DVDs in fast forward one evening and then needs a pot of coffee the next morning to remember his name. The people from Shock have created a coffee which contains fifty percent more caffeine.

They are talking about 200 mg. of caffeine per six ounce cup or two ounce espresso shot. This blend of coffee bean can kick the butt of any bean Juan Valdez has to offer.

The big coffee with the big attitude comes in latte or mocha, along with TRIPLE latte or mocha, available in a case of twenty-four eight ounce cans for $37.95.

The people at Shock don't recommend that night shift workers operate any heavy machinery after putting down a few of these in one sitting. Their theory about Shock coffee is a simple yet important one: Sleep is overrated.

But that brand of coffee is not for everyone. It is intended for the hardcore coffee drinker. Research tells us that there are five sure signs that you are drinking too much coffee:

1.) You spend most of your vacation time at Maxwell House.

2.) You can pick up XM radio through your ears.

3.) You live in California and don't notice the earthquakes.

4.) Starbucks is your home mortgage company.

5.) People use your hands to blend their margaritas.

If you think that you might have a coffee addiction, you should consult your doctor. If you spend your entire appointment pacing around the outer edge of his office and then spinning around in his examining chair, chances are good that he'll agree with you.

So the smartest way to consume coffee is to look at your own health situation as opposed to scientific theory when deciding upon how much coffee you can drink. This way you'll find that you are a more alert and sharper carbon based life form with an improved job performance who can even form syllables. But don't make that kind of important decision until after your third cup of coffee.

Bob H

I live in southern New Jersey. That means when you plan to drive anywhere, your day begins and ends with road construction delays. If you're lucky, those electronic signs that warn you your exit is closed will appear a full fifty feet after you've passed your exit. It's been said that the state animal is a sawhorse, while the state bird is...far from extinct across the US too. 

But this time I decided to help the cause. I contributed to these  people. It's always nice to make a difference.

When you're traveling, everyone hates to visit the gas station. I understand that many of today's graduates are expected to move on to successful and challenging careers as gasoline price changers.

Not everyone is unhappy about the service stations. I heard about one particular customer who is perfectly satisfied. He always demands full service, and they call him Casanova.

On this day I needed to visit the supermarket. I live right around the corner from a Shop-Rite, which happens to have the lowest prices in the area. Their parking lot often shows the results of that. It normally resembles the latest NASCAR race, and clerks are usually out in the lot offering deals on how we can save a bundle of money on our car insurance.

In this parking lot I found the result  of cases which are often overlooked in today's society. Of course, I gave generously. Thanks to us it's working. 

When you enter a crowded supermarket, food shopping often becomes a chore. Especially when you run into that person with their cart turned sideways in the middle of the seafood aisle while telling someone on a cell phone that they're having a two for one sale on halibut. Luckily, I carry this.

I really need to get out more. Have a nice day.

 

Bob H

 

It's that time of year again. And people are always going to ask, aren't they? "Are you going anywhere on vacation this year?" Of course they just got back from spending two weeks in Hawaii, while the last time you had any time away from work your high point was that Hawaii-Five 0 marathon you watched all weekend on TV Land.

Well, this year it's going to be different. You've gotten that itch to travel. I know it was either that or poison ivy. You want to explore some foreign territories, this time besides the ones in the back of your refrigerator.

Yes, this time you really want to get back to nature. Upon further investigation you learn that nature is located outside, which would involve you getting off of the couch. But you don't let that discourage you.

You remember that the nearest vacation spot to you which you can visit is your local service station. All of them host the newest U. S. tradition, the Running of the Bulls**t. Wealthier people than you can still find plenty of prime vacation property available in the pockets of the big oil companies.

Leaving all of that bitterness aside, you decide that what you need is to bring everyone together for a pleasant outing which will be thoroughly enriching, mentally stimulating, and fun for the entire family. As long as it doesn't cost more than $6.50.

Actually, you can find fascinating vacation spots or tourist attractions which won't implode your life savings all across the U.S. And these spots are not likely to be as crowded as those "trendy" vacation sites that all of the "wealthy" people visit. Granted, they are usually less busy for a good reason.

That's not going to stop you now. In the South Jersey area like myself, you may want to make that extensive twenty minute journey into Philadelphia to visit a market where you can buy exotic chocolate.

Chocolate by Mueller is not your standard chocolate retailer. Yes, they do have chocolate gifts for every occasion. But the chocolate heart you buy for Valentine's Day tends to take on a new meaning when you give your true love the anatomically correct chocolate heart, available for $11.95.

Also available are chocolate brains, lungs, lab rats, dentures, and onions. For those people whose hearing isn't as sharp as it used to be, they can send the one they love the chocolate gift of a dozen noses.

Such tasty souvenirs are always nice, but you're a person who enjoys activity, and the thrill of exciting interstate athletic competition. Since we couldn't find any of that, what better event is there to attend than the Interstate Mullet Toss, an annual festival which takes place in Pensacola, Florida.

Don't worry, incredible brute strength is not necessary here, because you won't be throwing around a guy with a bad haircut. A mullet is a one pound dead fish which is thrown from a ten foot circle in Florida across the state line into Alabama.

After each tosser throws their fish, he must retrieve it and return it to a water bucket. The record for a mullet toss to this point is 159 feet. This popular event attracts a lot of local celebrities and all age groups, and has an extremely strong fan base among hungry seagulls.

Speaking of hungry, every September the residents of Mission Mountain Montana hold a festival to celebrate one of their favorite hometown meals. For devotees of exotic gourmet foods, you may, or may not, want to attend the Mission Mountain Testicle Festival.

The festival features live music, bullchip throwing contests, a rodeo, and strangely enough, considerable amounts of alcohol.

But residents are merely enjoying a peaceful celebration of their Mission Mountain Oyster Organ treats. And they will be the first people to tell you that the bull's testicle is made up of more than seventy percent protein.

An exhibit which can be found in Alexandria, IN is no bull either. This town's claim to fame began with a regular one pound baseball. A house painter named Mike Carmichael decided to paint this ball one day. And he's been painting it for twenty-nine years since using over 17,300 coats of paint, creating the World's Largest Ball of Paint.

Mike has painted this ball in twenty different colors, with blue being the most common with 2,029 layers. Mike graciously accepts e-mail requests to have a layer painted in your honor.

Actually, prior to this paint ball, the town's sewer system once coughed up a two hundred pound hairball, and promoted it as one of the world's largest.

So the legend continues. Alexandria: a town with balls.

But you may prefer something a bit more cultural in your vacation outing. Being an aficionado of the arts, you can share your art experience with your whole family at Barney Smith's Toilet Seat Art Museum in San Antonio, Texas.

Mr. Smith has painted theme toilet seats in his spare time for thirty-two years. He uses damaged seats from plumbing supply houses along with discounted seats for his craft.

When he opens the stall...err...garage doors to show his displays, visitors will see a piece of the Berlin Wall, volcanic ash from Mt. St. Helens, arrowheads, casket handles, and much more on their toilets. The stall is always open, as Smith has entertained visitors from forty-four countries.

All this activity has made us rather tired, and we want to return to South Jersey. But we should look no further than Ocean City for one final stop. Las Vegas may have gotten her claws in Miss America, but they l haven't sunk them into the Miss Crustacean Hermit Crab Beauty Pageant yet.

The competition becomes thirty-one years old in August 2006. Crabophiles of all ages swarm Ocean City to compete for the not all that highly coveted Cucumber Rind Cup. Next top crab models have elegantly displayed Crabzilla and Cleopatra Crab costumes in past years, so be prepared for anything, as long as they can keep the bright lights of Las Vegas away.

Upon returning home you realize that a good time was had by all, despite the fact that you spent more money on gasoline than on the entire trip itself. You come home happy and healthy, and no one fell out of any palm trees.

This time you return with vacation memories which should stay with you for the rest of your life. These memories will drive you to go away again next year. Hopefully before that time you will be fortunate enough to have a friend who will hit you sharply in the head with a blunt object.

Bob H