What Your Star Sign Really Says About You: Cancer

Cancer, the crab, is naturally defensive, frightened of being hurt. Trouble is this causes a sinister inferiority complex which can lead to misunderstandings, scheming and, ultimately, stabbings. Intuitive, shrewd and resourceful, Cancerians can also be kind, sympathetic and sensitive. Cancer are the first to fly the flag at times of war and crisis, especially if they have made the flag themselves out of loose rags or pieces of tissue. You tend to be overemotional, highly sensitive, unstable and gullible. This is a classic Bunny Boiler star sign. During the occasional moments of emotional downtime, you know instinctively when to help others and when to withdraw into your protective shell. However, you can be worried needlessly by the motives of those who do the shopping in your house and can take some of their decisions personally, such as 'what are they trying to tell me by buying watercress or ready to cook carrots?'

What the heck is wrong with me? Gastric disorders, stabbing heartburn, chronic indigestion, obesity, ulcers, hat raising flatulence. Your opposite star sign: Capricorn Friends: Cancer, Taurus, Virgo, Scorpio, children with pet rabbits, Ronald McDonald, God. Beware of... Pisces, Sagittarius, Scorpio, Libra, Gemini, Aries, pastry chefs, train drivers, ticket collectors. Lucky brick size 19' x 26' Lucky musical instrument Violin Best Day Off Work Lie Waiting for the plumber to arrive. Best Chewing Gum Flavor Rabbit.

Bob H.

And the fastest-growing stupid sport is…

A recent study finds that drinking 6 cups of coffee a day over 20 years is not harmful, and may in fact, help you live longer.

Top Ten Signs You're Drinking Too Much Coffee


10.) Your blood type has been reclassified as "espresso"

9.) Every morning you go for a quick 47 mile jog

8.) As soon as California legalized gay marriage, you got engaged to Mr. Coffee

7.) Your after-shave? Hazelnut non-dairy creamer

6.) You're tapping your leg like Larry Craig in a men's room station

5.) A Starbucks just opened in your basement

4.) Your last words before bypass surgery: "Tell Juan Valdez I love him"

3.) Average 80 blinks per minute

2.) You named your kids "Tall," "Grande," and "Venti"

1.) Unable to sleep, you actually watch "The Late Show"


Bob H

Most people come to a point in their lives when they become dissatisfied with their jobs. They feel unfulfilled, and become unhappy because they believe a career change would be more rewarding.

They have to come to grips with the fact that not everyone has the qualifications to become a carrot juice technician.

But there are a number of other jobs out there which you probably never knew existed. Allow me to pick your brain right here to find out exactly which one would pique your interest.

Actually, that would not really be a good idea. Because a brain picker doesn’t exactly do what you might have expected.

I’m afraid the brain picker works in a slaughterhouse, and extracts the brains from animal heads. Various animal delicacies have become popular in many cultures, but I’m still not inviting the person who takes this job over for drinks and dinner.

In more pleasant animal news, another occupation allows the qualified employee to explore the wilderness and study animals which he will bring back and give a nice home.

Their home will be on a farm. An ant farm.

The ant catcher is responsible for filling up those ant farms you had as a youth. Perhaps there’s a job opening for someone to make the tiny lassoes they must use to catch the ants.

Moving on to the field of farm animals, there are still avenues in which a person may expand their horizons. Another career option in working with animals would be to become a chicken sexer.

The qualified candidate here will be smart enough to leave his Victoria’s Secret catalog at home. The chicken sexer determines whether a baby chick is male or female, then sorts them out accordingly.

Of course, many people enjoy working with animals, preferably the domestic types. They like to do something to keep their pet doggie happy.

These people become dog food testers. They taste and carefully analyze samples of dog food, then write reviews on their results.

Granted, when these reviews appears in the New York Times, your more upscale dogs would prefer to go on the paper rather than read it.

There are still plenty of jobs you won’t find in your local paper’s employment section. Maybe you’d enjoy doing work which benefit’s the environment. Then you want to become a gum buster.

Through the use of special steaming tools, the gum buster removes gum which is stuck on sidewalks, trees, street benches, your hair, and all those unwanted places you put it back in 1972.

Now if they could only do something about Skittles.

Gum is not the only product which needs to be checked carefully. The potato chip inspector looks over assembly lines at potato chip factories to make certain that your favorite chips are not overcooked, defective, or clumped together.

Everyone knows that chips need to be analyzed just perfectly in order to provide consumers with those ten extra fatty pounds they receive in each bag, even in the smaller sizes.

Continuing with employment in the food industry, perhaps the office which sits next door to the chicken sexer is occupied by the egg inspector, who likely came first.

The egg inspector examines eggs for cracks and other irregularities before they are graded and stamped for approval. They must stamp them awfully hard, because those are the ones in the cartons I buy at my local supermarket.

In the office at the far end of this same building is the egg breaker, the evil arch enemy of the egg inspector.

The egg breaker breaks eggs and then pours their contents into a device that separates the yolks from the whites. Someday we all hope to live in a world where egg breakers and egg inspectors can co-exist peacefully.

Many people would enjoy combining business with pleasure in a new career. After you finish playing eighteen holes at your favorite golf course, then you can begin your new job as a golf ball diver.

The golf ball diver searches all of the water hazards you know so well at the course to find lost golf balls to finish and resell.

If they can only get those old guys you find roaming the beaches with metal detectors to search the sand traps.

Other people like to gamble for their recreational pleasures. After their done playing their favorite games at the casino, then they can start working as a dice inspector.

The dice inspector checks casino dice for lopsided angles, corporate angles, miss potting, and other blemishes which may cause errors during gambling dice games.

The smarter employee will balance his work earnings with his gambling losses properly and not need to remortgage the house.

So if your next goal in life is to become a skyscraper window washer, wait no longer. Be all that you can be. Even if it be a whisky ambassador, a knife thrower’s assistant, a foot model, or an odor judge. Remember, the world can still be your oyster.

Unless there is a job vacancy for someone to fill oysters.

Bob H