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Unskilled and Mediocre
Wednesday April 15, 2009
WASHINGTON, D.C. - Bo Hussein Obama, the Portuguese water dog whom President Barack Obama will introduce today as his nominee for First Dog, faces "a real dog fight" when Senate confirmation hearings begin, according to one prominent senator.
"This dog isn't going to sail through the nomination process just because he's black-and-white and cute," said Senator Arlen Specter (R-PA), ranking member of the Committee for Companion Animals.
Senator Specter is "particularly concerned" by the recent discovery that Bo's middle name is Hussein.
"This raises disturbing questions about Bo's allegiances and his suitability for White House service," said the senator. "When did he get the name Hussein, and how well does he know it?"
Bo's nomination prospects may be hampered further by the fact that he was a gift to the Obamas from liberal Massachusetts senator Edward M. Kennedy, who owns three Portuguese water dogs—Huey, Dewey, and Louie. Senator Kennedy is suspected of brokering a secret White House meeting between the six-month-old Bo and the Obama family a few weeks ago.
"We need to know the dirty details of that meeting," thundered Rush Limbaugh on his nationally syndicated radio program yesterday. "I'm told that Bo Hussein went to President Barack Hussein immediately and followed him wherever he went—almost as if two of them knew each other already."
Limbaugh, like other conservatives, is concerned about the fact that Bo "has already failed" with one adoptive family.
"What went on in Bo Hussein's first home?" asked Limbaugh. "Was that a legitimate adoption or was it really an indoctrination camp where the dog was taught anti-American attitudes under the radar before being transferred to the White House?"
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| | | Posted by RHolt at 10:38 AM - | |
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In case you may have forgotten, we have reached income tax time. A lot of people forget. It happens. Others just make simple mistakes, some just overlook their obligation.
It depends on who you believe.
Ron Kirk, former mayor of Dallas and recent Obama Cabinet nominee failed to pay taxes on some speaking engagements, and tried to write off a few years of Dallas Mavericks season tickets. Kirk’s nomination as US trade representative has gone through.
A self-employed man in Arizona was not quite as fortunate. He was merely trying to deduct the cost of an important cog in his home office operation. The IRS did not agree that toilet paper was all that vital to his work.
Former Senator Tom Daschle made a simple mistake. And he is deeply embarrassed and disappointed that he forgot to pay taxes for three years after leaving the Senate. Daschle’s forgetfulness cost him the opportunity to run Health and Human Services.
At times an error can be an honest mistake. This next story is not one of those times. In Oklahoma, a taxpayer filed a $2000 deduction in her records for “repairs and maintenance.” That may have been accurate from her point of view, but her accountant did not approve. The $2000 was paid to her gynecologist.
Average citizens like her are not afforded the luxury of forgetting to pay their taxes. But today’s economic climate does make taxpayers try that much harder to be creative when calculating deductions. Especially when including pets.
One pet lover claimed his dog as a dependent, another claimed the family dog as a landscaping subcontractor, while one more taxpayer tried to deduct dog food as an expense for his “home security system.”
Representative Hilda Solis from California was just sworn in as the US Secretary of Labor. But her confirmation date was initially postponed after the news broke that her husband had just paid $6400 in outstanding state and local tax liens dating back sixteen years for his auto repair business. It was decided not to blame Ms. Solis for the mistakes of her husband.
A woman from Texas would offer you a different opinion. Her annual income was around $40,000, and she reported charitable deductions of about the same amount on her return.
It seems that she had just gotten a divorce, and her husband said he was sending a moving van to their home to divide their assets. She decided to make that chore easy for him. She loaded up everything her husband might want from their belongings and donated it all to Goodwill.
Her accountant informed her that she was only allowed to deduct fifty percent of her adjusted gross income.
Then there was the case of the Arizona woman who suffered from arthritic hips. So she enrolled in Arthur Murray Dance Studio and deducted over $8000 in lessons the first year. This was allowed by the IRS.
In the second year, the woman totaled over $35,000 in dance lessons and $18,000 for gowns and travel expenses for her and her instructor. Yes, at the time her instructor was in his twenties and she was 85. Her return preparer considered calling this a theft loss, but instead called adult protective services.
Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner knows how it feels to make mistakes. He failed to pay payroll taxes for four years in a row. His Cabinet nomination was pushed through, and he is now in charge of the IRS, helping them to make sure taxpayers learn from his mistakes.
In New Jersey, our high rates of taxes makes us prone to making mistakes. These mistakes are often the ones we make from expanding our imagination.
A local taxpayer wanted to deduct a $100,000 swimming pool for medical reasons. Swimming relaxed the man so he could earn more money, which would then be taxable. His accountant didn’t agree.
A woman in Cleveland tried to deduct her Jacuzzi hot tub for the same reason. She might have had better success if she had omitted the small details about the mood lighting, the in-tub stereo, and the underwater speakers.
A note from her doctor about her arthritis did allow for a partial deduction.
Anyway, if there are enough Cabinet nominees who have not paid their back taxes, having them agree to pay after they are appointed becomes a solid plan to cut into the federal budget deficit.
Then you have the people who were cheated by Bernard Madoff, who are expected to pay taxes on money they never received. And if the company formerly known as AIG is now eighty percent owned by taxpayers, can’t the IRS just take our taxes out of the AIG bailout funds?
Just who can we believe here?
Our taxpayer dollars are hard at work bailing out corporations. We won’t be waiting up for a bailout if we forget to pay ours.
| | Posted by RHolt at 12:24 AM - | |
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Friday February 13, 2009
Many of us have always been a bit superstitious. When Friday the 13th arrives, some people lock themselves in their houses and hide under the bed. As long as they get out from the bed on the same side they went under, they are confident that they won’t be cursed that day.
But many people will swear on a stack of Bibles and knock on wood that superstitions can actually come true. I didn’t realize how bad things could get until I heard a few of these:
Many hospitals have no room number 13.
It’s bad luck to open an umbrella in the house, especially in a home where a child is running with scissors.
That knock on wood reference means you are expected to knock three times on wood after you mention something good so the evil demons won’t take it away.
Be careful about knocking on wood in today’s housing market, because you might not be as lucky as you thought you were.
In Italy they omit the number 13 from their lottery. In New Jersey they omit the winning Powerball number from every Megamillions ticket I buy.
You can’t step on a crack on a sidewalk or walkway unless your mother has premium health insurance coverage.
If you see a penny and pick it up, all the day you’ll have good luck. If you see a folded up $20 bill laying on the sidewalk, someone thinks they are funny. But if you make a wish and drop that penny into a fountain, your wish is supposed to come true.
These days people wish for scuba gear so they can clean the rest of the money out of that fountain.
A dime or a penny tied around your ankle will ward off evil spirits. A $100 bill tied around your ankle will ward off Exxon for a mile or so.
Everyone has heard that an itchy palm means money is coming your way. When you live in New Jersey, you transfer it to your other hand and deliver it to the property tax collector.
A Greek money superstition says you should always carry even a little cash in your pockets, purse, or wallet. Along with banks, even today’s pickpocket imposes a service charge if there isn’t a certain minimum there.
If 13 people sit down at a table to eat, one of them will die before the end of the year. It may depend on who is doing the catering, but that has to be the true meaning of the Last Supper.
If a black cat crosses your path you will have bad luck. If you were in a car, you can block out the bad luck by making an X on the windshield. If you crossed Spike Lee’s path, he will criticize your moviemaking ability, despite the DVD release of your Dirty Harry film collection.
When a cow lifts its tail, it is a sure sign of rain. It’s also a sure sign you need to keep a shovel handy.
If you catch a falling leaf on the first day of autumn, you will not catch a cold all winter. This is true, and you will find it strictly detailed in your HMO plan. Your HMO representative, a three legged rabbit, will explain it all to you.
And a red ribbon is to be placed on a sick child to keep the illness from returning. Along with that lucky rabbit’s foot and an apple a day, that is the basis of your current health care policy.
If you have 13 letters in your name, it’s said that you will have the Devil’s luck. Charles Manson has issued a full denial of this one.
And the superstition says that if you blow out all the candles on your birthday cake you will get your wish. If I don’t blow out all the candles on my birthday cake, I would wish for the nice insurance payment on my house from setting it on fire.
Now I realize that many of you believe that superstitions are no more than old wives’ tales. But reliable sorcerers report that fifty percent of couples are getting divorced these days, and there aren’t a whole lot of old wives left. So they must know what they’re talking about.
No, breaking a mirror does not equal to seven years of bad luck. Your bad luck will coincide with the length of the payment plan you chose when you bought the mirror from Ikea.
And if you spill salt these days, that will leave less salt you can use to flavor your food and help to clog up your arteries.
My worst superstition is my fear of straining my tongue from trying to pronounce paraskevidekatriaphobia, the fear of Friday the 13th. I used to stay in the house on that day, but I’ve grown out of those silly superstitions I always followed. I plan to go outside at will this year. Please cross your fingers that nothing happens.
Bob H | | Posted by RHolt at 10:43 AM - | |
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Tuesday January 20, 2009
The crowd at Barack Obama’s momentous inauguration will include a number of special guests, including the Tuskegee Airmen and the crew of US Airways Flight 1549. Inaugural guests have a checkered history that dates all the way back to Andrew Jackson’s inauguration in 1829, when thousands of guests flooded the White House for a celebration of the populist leader that quickly devolved into a debauched riot. Since then, there have been a number of notable guests at inaugurations, some more welcome than others. Here are a few of our favorites:
1. Dead pigeons
Richard Nixon didn’t want his 1973 inauguration to be marred by a bunch of annoying pigeons. He requested that tree branches along the parade route be treated with a chemical called Roost No More, which would supposedly make the birds’ feet itch so they wouldn’t want to perch above Tricky Dick’s motorcade. The inaugural committee spent $13,000 to comply with this anti-pigeon policy, but Nixon got a bit more than he expected. The pigeons didn’t just sit on the branches, they wolfed down the Roost No More, which proved to be highly toxic to birds. Instead of dealing with the minor hassle of live pigeons roosting in trees, Nixon’s parade was marred by the macabre spectacle of dead and dying pigeons littering the route.
2. A handful of poets
Having a poet read at the inauguration is a relatively new tradition that didn’t begin until John F. Kennedy called on Robert Frost to give a reading at his 1961 inaugural. Although Kennedy initially asked Frost to recite his poem “The Gift Outright,” Frost decided to jazz things up by writing a completely new poem, “Dedication,” for the occasion. Frost’s plans went awry when he got up to read his new work, though. The 87-year-old poet no longer had the greatest eyesight, and the bright sun that morning totally obscured the copy of the poem he was trying to read. Ever quick on his feet, Frost pulled himself together and simply recited “The Gift Outright” from memory.
Despite Frost’s triumphant performance, the tradition of poetry reading didn’t catch on. In fact, Frost’s was the only reading until Bill Clinton pulled on poetic star power in 1993 when he tapped Maya Angelou to read “On the Pulse of Morning,” and in 1997 he honored his roots by asking Arkansas poet Miller Williams to read. (While Williams’ poem was good, more people probably know his famous daughter: Grammy-winning singer-songwriter Lucinda Williams.) The last two inaugurations haven’t included poets, but Elizabeth Alexander will try to reestablish the practice when she reads at Obama’s inauguration.
3. Chuck Norris
George W. Bush’s 2001 inauguration obviously came with some political controversy, but it also had its share of cultural intrigue. Traditional patriotic anthems sung by a choir of Kentucky youths supplanted the poetry reading, but cultural critics seemed more interested in reveling in the relatively low-wattage guests the Bushes rounded up for the event. The New York Times dryly noted that celebs like Chuck Norris and Meatloaf were slotting in where Hollywood’s A-listers had been during the Clinton years. (If the President had needed a roundhouse kick or a melodramatic power ballad, though, he would have been in great shape.) The guest list also included Rick Schroeder, Norm Macdonald and David Spade.
4. Jonathan Lipnicki
Bush’s second inauguration in 2005 wasn’t a complete turnaround, either. While some pundits debated the propriety of throwing an inaugural bash while the country was at war, admirers still flocked to Washington to take part in the hoopla.
Again, though, the celebrities didn’t quite show up en masse. The Creative Coalition’s Inaugural Gala sounds like it would be a star-studded affair, right? That really depends on how highly you rank Jerry Maguire child star Lipnicki, Joe Piscopo, Ernie Hudson, Gary Busey, and Joe Pantoliano on your list of stars.
Bob H
| | Posted by RHolt at 10:20 AM - | |
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Wednesday December 24, 2008
It was a beautiful winter day at the North Pole toy factory. It was 75 degrees in December due to global warming, and winds were E/NE at 5 to 10 MPH. The elves were all snuggled in their tanning beds, with visions of stimulus checks dancing in their heads.
Christmas bonuses were quite unlikely this year, as all was not well at Claus Brothers Enterprises. Santa didn’t really have a brother, but the southern branch of Claus Brothers was headed up by longtime friend Yukon Cornelius, and was based in Mexico. Cornelius kept a low profile, as he was constantly hounded by rumors of elves in his workforce actually being underage children.
Anyway, Santa’s sleigh was in the North Pole MAACO again, being serviced by Joe the Mechanic elf. Joe rotated the reindeer every 100,000 miles and returned the sleigh to Santa, but it clearly had little mileage remaining in it. The sleigh had never conformed to Environmental Protection Agency standards, and had been recalled several times over the years due to faulty lighting in Rudolph’s nose.
Rudolph was another story altogether. In the beginning all of the other reindeer used to laugh and call him names, and Rudolph was eventually diagnosed with depression, and was treated with Zoloft. Rudolph was warned that if dimness in his nose was to occur for up to four hours he should consult his doctor, but he continued to use the medication.
All of the other reindeer had their own issues, and they were making headlines. Just after the elections Vixen was arrested in California on an alleged prostitution charge, while Dancer and Prancer were looking for a state where they could be legally married. When you add to that Blitzen’s recent stint in Promises Rehab Center for an egg nog abuse problem, you can see why no one was rocking around the Christmas tree this year.
Elsewhere in the toy factory, veteran elf Hermie completed a condensed two-year job placement course during summertime elf layoffs and became certified in dentistry. Other disgruntled elf workers had reportedly been making terrorist threats toward Santa Claus.
And considering his sleigh problems, Santa turned to alternative methods of toy delivery in recent years. Grinch Airlines advised Santa to have his Christmas shipments there by Labor Day at the latest, and airline regulations required that he put all of his toys in clear, plastic bags for delivery, which increased overhead expenses. This always made Claus arrive at Labor Day check-in in ill humor. “You mean they’re playing Christmas music on the radio already?” he complained.
Santa had been feeling the pressure, and his image had been taking a beating. He hired a personal trainer, and had gotten himself down to a lean, mean, buff, cut, chiseled and jacked 6’ 2” tall, and 190 pounds. This upset many of the younger children and their parents and led to steroid accusations, after photos surfaced of Santa balancing toddlers on each bicep.
Meanwhile back at the North Pole, everyone was awaiting Santa Claus’ arrival for his annual Christmas Newsletter: The Audio Version. Reindeer games came to a sudden halt as Santa’s private jet touched down. It had been a gift from CEOs at GM, Ford, and Chrysler, who duped Claus into believing they were the three wise men.
Then one foggy Christmas Eve Santa stepped off his private jet and began to say, “The news this year is not so merry. We will be forced to downsize our employees because the First National Bank of the Island of Misfit Toys has foreclosed on the workshop mortgage.”
“Downsized?” said Hermie. “Aren’t we short enough?”
After firing him, Santa gave the little elf a nice severance package and continued. “Unfortunately we are behind in the War on Christmas. The axis of evil; Walmart/Toys Backwards R Us/ Costco are outselling us due to our high shipping prices. And if we can’t reduce expenses, corporate toy stores have won. All we are saying, is give Claus a chance.”
Claus concluded his speech, then extended his arms and gave everyone the double peace sign. Then he boarded his jet and returned to Mexico.
Earlier, due to equal opportunity laws at the North Pole, Santa had been required to hire one more elf. It was clear from his first day that this elf was not like all the other elves. He brought hope and optimism to the workshop, and all of the other elves seemed to like him.
“He’s got a deep voice for a little guy too,” said Hermie.
“This hope and change business he speaks of, does it make sense?” asked Santa.
“I don’t know,” replied Hermie. “But people feel better having something to believe in. A lot of people still believe in you, so why don’t you give him a chance?”
“I guess you’re right,” answered Santa. “By the way, didn’t I fire you?”
“Lighten up, will you?” said the elf. “It’s Christmas! And we’ll see you in the office for a cleaning in six months.”
“In that case, I guess there’s only one thing left to say,” said Santa.
“( Hermie and Santa together) May your days be merry and bright,
And may all your teeth and your Christmases be white.”
Merry Christmas.
Bob H
| | Posted by RHolt at 10:21 AM - | |
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